I’m Engaged.

June 23, 2014 – June 30th, 2014

Finally after eight years he finally proposed! I dropped hints left and right while we were courting, but you know guys they tend to overlook the signs. He took me to the park. There he placed his grandmother’s handmade quilt on the summer evening grass. We sat underneath two trees. Thank goodness the branches were long enough to protect us from the summertime sun. The picnic basket had all of my favorites: white wine, cheese and crackers, and sandwiches. He would not let me eat until he recited a poem he wrote at exactly 5:22 pm. So, we waited and talked until 5:22 pm. The sun started to set I knew in about three hours it would be dark. I started to get anxious. I did not want the darkness to swallow my pride. He wrapped his arms around my waist and said,

5:22 pm
“My love for you is endless.
It will end tonight.
Together we will become one.
Our hearts will beat as one.
I will be there to protect and guide you through the pain.
I will remove the pain from your life for good.
You do not need anyone else but me.
I love you for who you are.
The scar on your left arm, I love it.
The burn on the right side of your stomach, I love that too.
The thoughts in your head, I am in love with them too.
I love you.
I want to be with you forever now.
Will you marry me?”

5:45 pm
I could not believe my ears. I hesitated to say yes because I knew this would end all of my relations with the pure souls that kept me alive. So, I said yes. We did not kiss. Just sat and stared into each others eyes for 12.5 seconds. We ate our dinner in silence. As I took my last bite, he started to play my favorite song by Sam Smith Lay Me Down. We got closer and cuddled in silence. Dusk was approaching. We watched the sunset in awe. He whispered in my ear, “The sun will not rise tomorrow.” I chuckled and responded, “Yes it will.”

8:23 pm
Nighttime finally fell upon us. We were the only couple left in the park. He reached for my hand and quietly asked, “Now that we are going to spend the rest of our lives together I need you to be honest with me and tell me what you are truly thinking in that little head of yours.” I smiled. Finally, someone truly wants to know what I am thinking. I wasted no time and started to pour out my heart to the man of my dreams.

I am not your typical girl you know. I love to isolate myself from the world, from the people I love, and the things I enjoy the most. I enjoy hurting myself whether it is slashing my thighs or taking a lighter and burning the soles of my feet or the side of my stomach. It feels so good and painless to me. When I do this I think of the ones who hurt me physically and emotionally. The ones who told me “I am no good for them”: slash #1. The ones who told me “I do not care about what you illness you have, do not bother me”: slash #2 and burn # 1. The ones who rejected me and called me “psycho and crazy”: burn #2 & # 3. I love to research but not your typical topics. No. I enjoy researching the top ten methods to kill myself pr the easiest and quickest ways to die. I’ve tried 3 methods so far in my life and was so close to death but I have no idea what happened. I failed. I am so stupid. I can’t believe I failed when I planned for weeks and months. Who knows if I am truly done trying. I hear voices too. Nobody knows that. These voices are like my best friends they guide me through the good, the bad, and the ugly. I have several different personalities. Some people have no idea which personality they are interacting with and I can’t help which one shows up. If you are a guy and I like you a lot but you do not like me, you will most likely interact with the more “aggressive and clingy” side of me. I cannot keep friendships or relationships with others for too long. I start to think people are using me and truly do not like me so I remove myself from the relationship. I cry for no reason. I am highly sensitive so please watch what you say around me I take every single word to heart. Do not tell me you “love me” or say “I will always be there for you” if you truly do not mean it. I have a sixth sense and I can tell when you are lying to my face. I have no motivation to hurt others. So when someone hurts me I do not hurt them; instead I hurt myself.  My weakness is standing up for myself and using my words. I’ve trained myself to wear a happy face to hide my depression. I’ve pretended that everything is happy-go-lucky to hide my manic episodes. So many people around me look up to me. I am a sister, friend, daughter, niece, and a role model to many. But little do they know I am severely troubled on the inside. I cannot hide anymore and pretend to be someone I know I am not. I am ready to let go, be free and open. Please. Listen to me. Listen. I am troubled and I need you to be there for me. I know this rant makes absolutely no sense but you wanted to know what I was thinking right? Well, you got it. This is me. This is the woman you plan to love for the rest of your life.

9:07 pm
Tears were falling from his pale flushed face. He grabbed my hand and told me, “Thank you. I love you. Now come. Come with me. I promise to never ever let you go.” He removed a tan 11 foot thick rope from the honey mustard picnic basket. “The time has come,” he whispered in my left ear. He pulled me up and walked me to the tree by the swings. Behind the tree stood a 10 foot ladder. He climbed up first and jumped up on the still branch and tied the robe to the middle of the branch. The moon shined brightly on his nose. I wanted to kiss it. He looked down at me and yelled, “It’s time for you to come up now. We are getting married.” I climbed slowly up the metal ladder and reached for his muscular arm to pull me up onto the branch. There we sat and gazed at the stars for 18 minutes.

9:34 pm
He removed the glasses from my face and kissed my nose slowly moving his lips to my neck. I felt so warm and loved. “Close your eyes,” he said. I closed my eyes imagining myself in the wedding gown of my dreams. He took the end of the robe and tied it around my neck and told me to relax. “This is part of the engagement,” he uttered. He tied my favorite black and white bandana around my eyes and pulled me up to my feet. I started to wobble but he grabbed me and held me tightly. He took my hands and recited, “You are engaged to me: your best nightmare. The one you have been looking for. You can stop researching now; I’ve finally found you. You are engaged to me: the one who is going to take your life away from you. I have the power to remove the pain and hurt from your life. This is it. On the count of three you will jump and all of your sorrows will become mine. One…Two…Three….”

9:56 pm
I jumped and stopped three-quarters of the way down as the rope yanked me from the earth. At last, my pain is released to the stars and to the man who proposed and won my heart: death. I am flying in the wind; I am finally free.


This entry is part of my story and recovery. I wrote this entry recently during a period of time when someone close to me triggered the sensitive side of me and I entered a severe period of deep depression and recurring thoughts of suicide again. Remember to respect the boundaries of others and know their triggers.  I called my support person who helped me out of my depressive episode. It was not easy and yes, I am on medication(s) and seeing a therapist/psychiatrist but I still have thoughts and feelings displayed in the post above. I am not perfect. I am sharing this post to open the eyes of those out there who feel like there is no way out. There is. It is okay to seek help and talk to someone you trust about how you are feeling. If you or a loved one are suicidal please get help, do not let your thoughts continue to grow. Call 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)  or your local emergency number. You are not alone.

 

Advertisements

Oasis

June 29, 2014 12:07 pm

My soul leads me to the place where I first met my illness.
It aches as I take a step closer to the site where my brain and heart became one.
They turned against me and removed the goodness from within.
The goodness turned  into immorality;
corrupting my mind to erase my vision for the future.
Here I am at this place standing on fertile ground,
sinking in the fountain of my youth.
I am standing in the puddle of the tears from the ones I’ve hurt.
I have made contact with my oasis.

The illness is in business with the souls of the meek.
And I am one of them.
It beseeched me to take my life and to shed the treacherous tears of the present;
making contact with the delicate drops of the ones I’ve hurt.
I am sinking in my oasis.

As I continue to walk through the abandoned desert of my life,
I walk on the cracks of my back.
Crushing my internal organs
releasing the effortless tears from my eyes.
They fall through the bare cracks of my heart,
which bears my name.
Cementing the same water-like composition of my teardrop,
it drys the moist hole in the ground beneath my feet
generating a solid earth for my stiff feet to walk on.
My toes make contact with a soft green spot
transferring peace through my veins.
I have found my oasis.

This peace circulates throughout my body
reviving the beat of my heart
re-birthing my mind, body, and spirit.
My soul is caught in a net.
A safety net to protect me from the rigid battles of life.
My soul can now escape the rigor mortis of death.
I am in my oasis.

An Open Letter to ‘The One I Am Still Alive For’

June 26th, 2014 9:56 pm

Dear ‘The One I Am Still Alive For’:

To be loved, is something I will always forever yearn.
To be liked, is something I have to prove to others.
My heart is only connected to one.
The one.
The one that makes my world go ’round and is the reason I am still alive today.
You.

You were one of the few, one of the last people to see me the weekend before I committed suicide on that dreadful, yet marvelous Monday morning. We went to dinner at one of my favorite restaurants.  We ate and talked for two and a half hours until we both hugged at the corner of the street and went our separate ways. The hug you gave me was not like any other hugs I’ve received and felt before.  My head rested on your chest for 34 seconds and I felt your heartbeat. It was in sync with mine. Your hug felt protective. But little did you know that would have been the last time you saw my smiling face. I wish you did protect me from what happened that Monday morning. But it’s not your fault. You did not see the signs. I did not want to scare you away like I did the other guys I met in college.

It’s all my fault. It’s my fault I cannot find love. But why am I searching? Why do I have to be the one to find the love? I am not talking about the ‘fairytale’ kind of love.

No.
Love!
The act and feeling one gets from someone recognizing that he or she is important to them.
Love!
When will the person I dream of step into my life and tell me “I love you”? You told me “I got much love for ya” not exactly “I love you” but honestly I will take it because I rarely hear the word “love” addressed to me. I’m not going to fight it; I understand our relationship is purely platonic. I am young, but not dumb. Smart, but no genius.  Just an extraordinary woman living in an ordinary world.

I wrote letters to all of the loved ones in my life that Monday morning. I wrote one to you too. I will always remember what I wrote because it came from this broken heart which you did not break. I did. You are so genuine and caring. I need your support and care in my life. But, it won’t be so. We are far away from each other. We keep in touch every now and then. When I was discharged from the hospital I came home to your response to my last text message to you. It warmed my cold heart. You sensed something was not right with me and proceeded to ask if I was alright. Not knowing how you would perceive my response, I had the courage to break my shell and open up to you. I trust you. You are an excellent listener. Something I wish everyone around me would do. You continued to check in with me each morning prior to my outpatient group therapy sessions. When my inbox read 0 messages, you were the 1 who provided me with the courage and hope to recover.

I’ve never felt this way for anyone. This feeling is indescribable. It is not love. Nor lust. It is hope. You gave and continue to give me the hope to make it through each day. And I thank you for being there for me in the midst of it all. You’re the reason I am still alive. I know I am not “girlfriend” material for you or anyone.  Something I’ve been told for several years now and I am okay with it. Now, I am more emotionally aware of who I am. Finally, I can say ‘I accept myself for who I am’.  I love myself.  I am ready to love someone else for a change. Rejection and I do not work well.  So, please have a noose and tree ready in the woods for me if you cannot accept me for my mental illnesses .But you are the first person ever to not reject me. You accepted me; flaws, scares and all.

You are the reason I still have hope. I need you in my life. You continue to motivate me through the eye of the storm. You are the one I am still alive for.

Much love,
Phoenix

Heal My Soul

June 26, 2014 8:34 am

I cannot see.
My vision is contaminated by the
ruthless stares poisoning my eyes.
Spreading rapidly through my veins
interrupting my fragile heartbeat.
Creating a hole in my heart.

Who can make me whole?
And, heal my soul?

I cannot feel.
My mouth is numb and cold
from the jarring words
being inhaled to my lungs.
Breaking the intercostal muscles
cutting off my oxygen supply to my heart.
Creating a hole in my heart.

What can make me whole?
And, heal my soul?

I cannot hear.
My ears are clogged
with the stigma.
Infecting the eardrums.
Rupturing the tympanic membrane.
Damaging the tissue that connects
the beat to my heart.
Creating a hole in my heart.

Who can make me whole?
And, heal my soul?

I can walk.
I can stand.
Stand up for what my heart believes.
I am not broken.
Slightly shattered, but not broken.
I am the glue.
The adhesive paste to connect
the fragmented pieces of my heart
back together again.

I am the ‘who’ and the ‘what’ to make me whole.
I have the power to heal my soul.

The Serenity Prayer

Image

July 24, 2014 8:30 pm

The Serenity Prayer, a commonly recited prayer and adopted by Alcohol Anonymous and several other programs. I was first introduced to this prayer during my most recent hospitalization in early May of this year. When the recovery specialist (RS) entered the room she wrote on the board “Developing Your Safety Crisis Plan.” Now, my current state of mind at this time was extremely low: severely depressed and suicidal, and I did not care about developing a so called ‘safety crisis plan’ because I did not plan to leave the hospital alive: I wanted out. I could not leave the seminar since as an inpatient you are required to attend all groups, participate, and make progress in your treatment plan for the day. So I sat there. Giving the RS the death stare while shaking my left leg which I could not control and biting my nails anxiously as I mapped out my “death” instead of my “crisis plan”. Since these groups are for the patients the RS’s job is to encourage others to participate ,share their story and coping skills to the group. Of course, in my head I’m like “yeah right you are NOT getting a word out of me about my safety crisis plan when right now I just want to hang myself with the sheets in my room.” [this did not happen]

Patients, one by one, started to share their story and open up about what brought them into inpatient. My mood suddenly shifted. The knee shaking stopped, the nail biting, and racing thoughts. My mind started to connect with the other patients in the room and all I could do was cry. Tears started to fall and then all eyes were on me. Now, I do not like to cry in public and having people stare at me is a big no-no. But this time it felt right. I felt like this is the place I can do this. The RS did not single me out but asked if I wanted to share my story. I did not. I just wanted to listen, process, and cry. And, so I did.

We went through identifying our triggers/sensors, the warning signs, identifying coping skills, and things to do for healthy behavior. When it came to identifying things to do for healthy behavior the group was silent. It seemed like nobody knew what to do to maintain a healthy behavior. I did not blame them. How can someone with anxiety, bipolar, or depression maintain a healthy behavior during an episode? A few minutes later, something I will never forget, one of the patients stood and recited The Serenity Prayer.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.

And said, “this is how I maintain my healthy behavior ,by reciting this prayer during my manic episodes.”

While I was hospitalized I lost touch with my faith for many reasons. My family and friends would tell me to pray and seek God. And honestly, during that time I could not for personal reasons but obviously could not tell my loved ones that I did not want to “pray”. I did not want to ask God to forgive me for something I truly did want to happen to me. So,I found peace in this prayer. From that moment, I became one with this prayer and recited it day in and day out until I was discharged.

Today, I have a clear understanding on how to maintain a healthy behavior (i.e. eat, sleep, take medications, attend all appointments etc) during my extreme manic episodes. My faith is not where I want it to be but I am just taking it one day at a time and asking God to help me accept myself first, before anything else, then help me accept the things I cannot change.

Recovery is my permanent vacation spot forever. A place where I’ve finally found peace within myself and the courage to stand up and say,
Hi ! I have a mental illness (several) and I am alive and proud to be here talking to you today.

I am standing up for mental illness are you?