Today’s Goal: To Remain Mute

I haven’t said a word to anyone in two days. Nothing. Not even a simple ‘hello’ or ‘I am hungry’. I am clearly hurting on the inside and this time I am not risking the changes to tell someone how I really am feeling today. It will be only lead me back to the one place I secretly do love, but I cannot keep setting myself up for failure. I’m already a failure and cannot add more ‘failed-like’ things to this pile. I would love a phone call from someone instead of a  d   a  u  n  t  i  n  g  text message. I know I am a young adult but I’ve outgrown the excitement I used to get from a SMS. I am mute because I am hiding something. Something tragic I know will hurt the people around me. I think the last thing I can do to the people surrounding me is hurt them again after what happened recently. I wish I was a children’s pop-up book. Easy to read. Entertaining. Two things I am currently not. When I look at myself in the mirror. I see a lost female. I don’t even recognize myself anymore. My family doesn’t even know who I am anymore. My friends acquaintances do not even know I still do exist. So my goal for today and tomorrow and the day after tomorrow and remain mute and sleep the day away. It would be great to sleep the entire day and not awake the next morning. But I tried this and it did not work. I am thinking about shaving my hair off and starting all over again. Drop approximately 100lbs too. Only wear dark clothing. I can’t seem to find what works best for me anymore so I’ll just remain mute for the time being until I find what w  o  r  k  s. Since I am not talking to anyone what am I doing? I am talking to the voices I hear in my head every second. Sleeping. Listening to music. Passing notes to the voices. They seem to be the only ones who truly do understand what I am going through and can sympathize and empathize. Two things I get from n o  o n e  at the moment. Complaining much? Not really. Just stating the facts. “Why aren’t you reaching out to others if this is something that is bothering you?” because they will not accept me and will only say “I am so sorry hear that or see that happen.” I don’t want or need an apology from other people. I just want them to sit down and listen to me. “How do you know whether or not they will you accept you?” Well, for one I don’t and two I am different. I cannot keep pretending to be the person I’ve trained myself to be for the last 8+ years. I cannot keep faking the smile that covers up the tears. I am positive the people who were once in my life before have seen me push them away on purpose and isolate myself to the fullest. Okay, I only did that to protect them. I did not want them to see my break down. Too many people look up to…nobody looks up to me now…but several people considered/looked as me like a sister, friend, role model etc. I was not pretending to be those people I truly am those titles but deep down I was suffering and afraid to be appearing weak. There. Happy? I finally admitted to one of my several fears. I think I’ve said enough and want to curl into a ball.

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