Depressingly Inactive.

May 18th, 2014 – May 21st, 2014 7:30pm

Feeling tremendously lonely and blue.
The depression, the darkness is clouding over me taking an aim and charge at my head.
I cannot runaway from it because it is apart of me now.
And will always be part of me now and forever…until the day I die.
I’ve spent a good week or so figuring out my triggers and ways to cope with it
but honestly sometimes in the heat of the moment or the eye of the storm
The dark cloud turns deep dark gray and I cannot escape the negativity
that swarms around like a herd of bees.
The bees are surrounding me with their stingers aimed toward my troubles and sorrows.
But this dark cloud is protecting me and won’t let the sunlight in.
I don’t want the sunlight.
I don’t want the heat.
I don’t want the pain.
I just want to drown in the swarms of bees and face the pain.
I just want to be free from the overcast
and this lingering
side cloud called depression and its best friend or side-kick anxiety.
They both seem to double team me and create a severe thunderstorm on certain days without a clear warning.
The storm comes with a strong wind and nickel sized hail
that cut deep into the heart.
I miss the old me and who I used to be before the storm came into my life.
I used to be charming, nice, outgoing, dedicated, level headed, optimistic, loving and goal oriented.
Now…
I am just dark and care-less, heart-less, soul-less
emotion-less.
I can’t feel the pain the storm is causing my body to go numb completely numb.
Breaking each unique organ one by one
it is slowly but surely taking over my life
my mind my body my soul and I am loosing sight
of who I am
and what it is I am supposed to be.
Why me?!?!
Why is this…does this…have to happen to me.
Life is tremendously and utterly too hard for my mind and soul to take.
I need peace and tranquility.
Something light on my heart.
What is it do I have to live for?
The forecast of my future is foggy and cloudy
and I cannot see past the hail stones being darted at my heart every 5 minutes.
I was once normal in another life.
Woke up one fine morning and my life did a 360 on me.
Without a warning.
I wish I could have heard something like this that morning…

Weather alert: Strong depression and anxiety ahead with a degree of 10 on both sides of the scale. Please be on the look out for extreme sadness, loneliness, and severe suicidal ideation.

No warning what so ever. I cannot do this anymore. I just want freedom and peace and place to lay my head down at night knowing that tomorrow will be alright and good.

But tomorrow is NOT promised.

This LIFE is not always promised.

So why on Earth is this body still running and living? Please somebody tell me why am I living? and I am not looking for the petty comments.

Silence everywhere….of course like I’ve always thought.

Silence.

No answers.

No responses.

Just silence like the tears that are streaming down my face so silently.

Nobody can pin point the storm. I don’t want or need eyes on me. I don’t want them to stare at me.

I just want to click my red heels twice and whisper: take me home.


I wrote this post during my last treatment to show the state of mind I was in prior to my recovery. I have come along way. Cheers to happiness and recovery.

 

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24 thoughts on “Depressingly Inactive.”

  1. Oh it’s so amazing to see such a stark difference isn’t it? I know that where I’m at now is so much better than where I was. Thanks for posting this. I’m happy for your progress and am reminded of mine.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thanks for the follow.
    Reading your blog I feel connected to your words, emotions and poetry. I too struggle every so often with my manic depression. I’m glad you have started this blog raising awareness of your illness’. It’s inspiring to see, learn more and know there are people/humans just like myself that can go through this and not be seen as the stereotypical “crazy person” if you know what I mean?
    I like your username also it’s similar to my Instagram name ‘Phoenixce’ I chose it for the same reason you chose your blog name because this year I was reborn! I’d love if you get the time for you to check out my poem on my blog of the same name “I will not lose my way part 2 – the day icequeen died; Phoenix was born!”
    Good luck on your journey to peace hun x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Carley thank for taking the time to read my post. I truly do appreciate your words of encouragement. My heart melts when I meet others who are going through the same thing like me.
      Sending positive vibes your way.
      Phoenix.

      Like

  3. Beautifully written and so expressive. Could relate to so much of what you have written. I hope your recovery continues, I wish you every success. Thank you for following me, I look forward to hearing more from you. Big hugs 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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