An Open Letter to ‘The One I Am Still Alive For’

June 26th, 2014 9:56 pm

Dear ‘The One I Am Still Alive For’:

To be loved, is something I will always forever yearn.
To be liked, is something I have to prove to others.
My heart is only connected to one.
The one.
The one that makes my world go ’round and is the reason I am still alive today.
You.

You were one of the few, one of the last people to see me the weekend before I committed suicide on that dreadful, yet marvelous Monday morning. We went to dinner at one of my favorite restaurants.  We ate and talked for two and a half hours until we both hugged at the corner of the street and went our separate ways. The hug you gave me was not like any other hugs I’ve received and felt before.  My head rested on your chest for 34 seconds and I felt your heartbeat. It was in sync with mine. Your hug felt protective. But little did you know that would have been the last time you saw my smiling face. I wish you did protect me from what happened that Monday morning. But it’s not your fault. You did not see the signs. I did not want to scare you away like I did the other guys I met in college.

It’s all my fault. It’s my fault I cannot find love. But why am I searching? Why do I have to be the one to find the love? I am not talking about the ‘fairytale’ kind of love.

No.
Love!
The act and feeling one gets from someone recognizing that he or she is important to them.
Love!
When will the person I dream of step into my life and tell me “I love you”? You told me “I got much love for ya” not exactly “I love you” but honestly I will take it because I rarely hear the word “love” addressed to me. I’m not going to fight it; I understand our relationship is purely platonic. I am young, but not dumb. Smart, but no genius.  Just an extraordinary woman living in an ordinary world.

I wrote letters to all of the loved ones in my life that Monday morning. I wrote one to you too. I will always remember what I wrote because it came from this broken heart which you did not break. I did. You are so genuine and caring. I need your support and care in my life. But, it won’t be so. We are far away from each other. We keep in touch every now and then. When I was discharged from the hospital I came home to your response to my last text message to you. It warmed my cold heart. You sensed something was not right with me and proceeded to ask if I was alright. Not knowing how you would perceive my response, I had the courage to break my shell and open up to you. I trust you. You are an excellent listener. Something I wish everyone around me would do. You continued to check in with me each morning prior to my outpatient group therapy sessions. When my inbox read 0 messages, you were the 1 who provided me with the courage and hope to recover.

I’ve never felt this way for anyone. This feeling is indescribable. It is not love. Nor lust. It is hope. You gave and continue to give me the hope to make it through each day. And I thank you for being there for me in the midst of it all. You’re the reason I am still alive. I know I am not “girlfriend” material for you or anyone.  Something I’ve been told for several years now and I am okay with it. Now, I am more emotionally aware of who I am. Finally, I can say ‘I accept myself for who I am’.  I love myself.  I am ready to love someone else for a change. Rejection and I do not work well.  So, please have a noose and tree ready in the woods for me if you cannot accept me for my mental illnesses .But you are the first person ever to not reject me. You accepted me; flaws, scares and all.

You are the reason I still have hope. I need you in my life. You continue to motivate me through the eye of the storm. You are the one I am still alive for.

Much love,
Phoenix

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16 thoughts on “An Open Letter to ‘The One I Am Still Alive For’”

  1. Phoenix, this is beautiful. I don’t know how ‘young’ you are, but i promise you will find love, fairytale love, real love, friendship love and love love. We can’t find these things until the moment is right, it has to be perfect, these moments simply haven’t happened yet, which is ok, you have an entire life for these moments to happen. Again beautifully honest letter, i hope you are well.
    Blossom.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Blossom, thank you for reading and for the positive words of encouragement. I am 21 which is still young to find true love but I understand where you are coming from. Sending positive vibes your way.
      Phoenix

      Like

  2. Your post brought tears to my eyes. Many reasons. So honest and straight from the heart. It also provided me insight into what you are going through and at some level, helped me understand what my cousin and my good friend were going through too. I will never know exactly what their thoughts were, but you are a survivor and so you still live to tell your story. I am so grateful. Don’t ever give up. I may not know you personally but be assured that I am praying regularly for you – God is with you, right by your side. Angels are watching over your life. You have been fearfully and wonderfully made for a great purpose. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for taking the time to read this letter. It’s hard to get into the mind of someone who is suffering from mental illnesses since the only thing we want to do is 1.ignore that we have an illness 2. isolate ourselves from the world and 3 keep everything in and to not speak out minds afraid to say the wrong thing. The best thing you can do for your cousin and friend and to be there for them. If they approach you and want to talk about how they are feeling please just listen to them. Try your best to not ask them a million and one questions save that job to a trained professional. Just listen, sympathize, empathize and love them.
      Sending positive vibes your way and to your friend/cousin.
      Phoenix.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m so glad you are able to write openly – it will provide many people with insight and hopefully increase empathy amongst the people who find your blog. I find it helps me to write about my pain – do you find it comforting too? Sorry I didn’t word my comment well – my cousin Lachlan and friend Becky passed on (“Unstuck” is a tribute to them and an attempt to process some very deep grief). I will certainly take your advice and apply it to the others I know who struggle with bi-polar, severe or mild depression etc.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. My heart goes out to you and your family. I am so sorry for your loss.
        Yes I find it very comforting to speak freely and openly about what is going and I really do appreciate the comments people leave on my post.

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  3. It is so beautiful written! Lots of love to you for bringing this to the surface. It is so hard for outsiders to understand how it can feel when you consumed by your emotions. The most important thing is you are talking about it and your are spreading awareness. You will find love, true love. you must learn how to truly love yourself as well with flaws and all.

    Liked by 1 person

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