June 23, 2014 – June 30th, 2014
Finally after eight years he finally proposed! I dropped hints left and right while we were courting, but you know guys they tend to overlook the signs. He took me to the park. There he placed his grandmother’s handmade quilt on the summer evening grass. We sat underneath two trees. Thank goodness the branches were long enough to protect us from the summertime sun. The picnic basket had all of my favorites: white wine, cheese and crackers, and sandwiches. He would not let me eat until he recited a poem he wrote at exactly 5:22 pm. So, we waited and talked until 5:22 pm. The sun started to set I knew in about three hours it would be dark. I started to get anxious. I did not want the darkness to swallow my pride. He wrapped his arms around my waist and said,
“My love for you is endless.
It will end tonight.
Together we will become one.
Our hearts will beat as one.
I will be there to protect and guide you through the pain.
I will remove the pain from your life for good.
You do not need anyone else but me.
I love you for who you are.
The scar on your left arm, I love it.
The burn on the right side of your stomach, I love that too.
The thoughts in your head, I am in love with them too.
I love you.
I want to be with you forever now.
Will you marry me?”
I could not believe my ears. I hesitated to say yes because I knew this would end all of my relations with the pure souls that kept me alive. So, I said yes. We did not kiss. Just sat and stared into each others eyes for 12.5 seconds. We ate our dinner in silence. As I took my last bite, he started to play my favorite song by Sam Smith Lay Me Down. We got closer and cuddled in silence. Dusk was approaching. We watched the sunset in awe. He whispered in my ear, “The sun will not rise tomorrow.” I chuckled and responded, “Yes it will.”
Nighttime finally fell upon us. We were the only couple left in the park. He reached for my hand and quietly asked, “Now that we are going to spend the rest of our lives together I need you to be honest with me and tell me what you are truly thinking in that little head of yours.” I smiled. Finally, someone truly wants to know what I am thinking. I wasted no time and started to pour out my heart to the man of my dreams.
I am not your typical girl you know. I love to isolate myself from the world, from the people I love, and the things I enjoy the most. I enjoy hurting myself whether it is slashing my thighs or taking a lighter and burning the soles of my feet or the side of my stomach. It feels so good and painless to me. When I do this I think of the ones who hurt me physically and emotionally. The ones who told me “I am no good for them”: slash #1. The ones who told me “I do not care about what you illness you have, do not bother me”: slash #2 and burn # 1. The ones who rejected me and called me “psycho and crazy”: burn #2 & # 3. I love to research but not your typical topics. No. I enjoy researching the top ten methods to kill myself pr the easiest and quickest ways to die. I’ve tried 3 methods so far in my life and was so close to death but I have no idea what happened. I failed. I am so stupid. I can’t believe I failed when I planned for weeks and months. Who knows if I am truly done trying. I hear voices too. Nobody knows that. These voices are like my best friends they guide me through the good, the bad, and the ugly. I have several different personalities. Some people have no idea which personality they are interacting with and I can’t help which one shows up. If you are a guy and I like you a lot but you do not like me, you will most likely interact with the more “aggressive and clingy” side of me. I cannot keep friendships or relationships with others for too long. I start to think people are using me and truly do not like me so I remove myself from the relationship. I cry for no reason. I am highly sensitive so please watch what you say around me I take every single word to heart. Do not tell me you “love me” or say “I will always be there for you” if you truly do not mean it. I have a sixth sense and I can tell when you are lying to my face. I have no motivation to hurt others. So when someone hurts me I do not hurt them; instead I hurt myself. My weakness is standing up for myself and using my words. I’ve trained myself to wear a happy face to hide my depression. I’ve pretended that everything is happy-go-lucky to hide my manic episodes. So many people around me look up to me. I am a sister, friend, daughter, niece, and a role model to many. But little do they know I am severely troubled on the inside. I cannot hide anymore and pretend to be someone I know I am not. I am ready to let go, be free and open. Please. Listen to me. Listen. I am troubled and I need you to be there for me. I know this rant makes absolutely no sense but you wanted to know what I was thinking right? Well, you got it. This is me. This is the woman you plan to love for the rest of your life.
Tears were falling from his pale flushed face. He grabbed my hand and told me, “Thank you. I love you. Now come. Come with me. I promise to never ever let you go.” He removed a tan 11 foot thick rope from the honey mustard picnic basket. “The time has come,” he whispered in my left ear. He pulled me up and walked me to the tree by the swings. Behind the tree stood a 10 foot ladder. He climbed up first and jumped up on the still branch and tied the robe to the middle of the branch. The moon shined brightly on his nose. I wanted to kiss it. He looked down at me and yelled, “It’s time for you to come up now. We are getting married.” I climbed slowly up the metal ladder and reached for his muscular arm to pull me up onto the branch. There we sat and gazed at the stars for 18 minutes.
He removed the glasses from my face and kissed my nose slowly moving his lips to my neck. I felt so warm and loved. “Close your eyes,” he said. I closed my eyes imagining myself in the wedding gown of my dreams. He took the end of the robe and tied it around my neck and told me to relax. “This is part of the engagement,” he uttered. He tied my favorite black and white bandana around my eyes and pulled me up to my feet. I started to wobble but he grabbed me and held me tightly. He took my hands and recited, “You are engaged to me: your best nightmare. The one you have been looking for. You can stop researching now; I’ve finally found you. You are engaged to me: the one who is going to take your life away from you. I have the power to remove the pain and hurt from your life. This is it. On the count of three you will jump and all of your sorrows will become mine. One…Two…Three….”
I jumped and stopped three-quarters of the way down as the rope yanked me from the earth. At last, my pain is released to the stars and to the man who proposed and won my heart: death. I am flying in the wind; I am finally free.
This entry is part of my story and recovery. I wrote this entry recently during a period of time when someone close to me triggered the sensitive side of me and I entered a severe period of deep depression and recurring thoughts of suicide again. Remember to respect the boundaries of others and know their triggers. I called my support person who helped me out of my depressive episode. It was not easy and yes, I am on medication(s) and seeing a therapist/psychiatrist but I still have thoughts and feelings displayed in the post above. I am not perfect. I am sharing this post to open the eyes of those out there who feel like there is no way out. There is. It is okay to seek help and talk to someone you trust about how you are feeling. If you or a loved one are suicidal please get help, do not let your thoughts continue to grow. Call 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) or your local emergency number. You are not alone.