For the Fifth

July 5th, 2014  10:54 am

I am thankful for the Fifth of each month let alone the first of the month. Of course the first of each month is a new start for most, a clean slate to not be late for the next utility bill and try to avoid the grocery store on the impeccable first. Yes, the first. But, my heart resonates with the Fifth of the month. Yes, the feverish Fifth. Why? Why love such an odd day out of the month? Without the Fifth I would not be here. Okay, without the Fifth I would not be alive, healthy, and well. Without the Fifth I would not be sitting in front of my Lenova laptop typing this current entry. Without the Fifth I would be six feet under. It is for the Fifth I will be forever grateful.

It was on the Fifth of May 2014 I woke up in a panic knowing that that day would be my last day here on Earth. It was that morning I took X amount of Ibuprofen pills, 49 out of 100 200 mg to be exact, and mixed it with a half bottle of hard liquor. It was also that morning I wrote a will and several letters to my family members and close friends. The weekend prior I blew approximately $200 dollars on bar trips, dinners, and friends. That morning I had $210.89 to my name. Around 10:42 am I made my first call to a good friend of mine to come to my room to “help me calm down”. But, little did she know it was a trap and I wanted her and my five other close friends to witness me die. Around 11:15 am, I was in the fetus position on my bed surrounded by my close friends. They saw the notes around me and I commanded them to read them aloud to me. My goal here was to die to the sound of their voices as they read my heart-felt words. The last time my eyes made one with the black clock sitting next to my bed was 11:26 am and I started to slowly shut down and could feel my heart beat faster but it felt weak. I was beginning to go and knew my time was up. The last thing I remember from that morning on the Fifth was a hug one from one of my best friends.

It was on the Fifth of May 2014 I woke up in a panic in the back of an ambulance truck at approximately 12:33 pm surrounded by paramedics and an oxygen mask on my mouth. I was hooked up to several monitors and an IV. The paramedic told me, “you are lucky to be alive Miss can you hear me okay”. All of a sudden I heard several beeping noises and a woman hollered, “we are loosing her we are loosing her!” My eyes opened and met with the clock at 1:15 pm. I was in a hospital bed hooked up to several monitors. The doctor walked in leaned toward my pale flushed brown face and said, “Miss you are in the hospital, you are lucky to be alive, can you tell me what happened here?” I whispered, “I killed myself.” The words came out so effortlessly and the doctor responded ,” No ma’am you did not, you tried, you did not commit suicide.” I cried. Or tried to cry. I do not remember.

It was on the Fifth of May 2014 I regained consciousness at 4:26 pm and peed for the first time that day, but did not eat. I was transported to the 24 Hour Crisis Watch Room in the hospital where the medical doctor contacted my parents and presented to them the news of what their first daughter tried to do earlier that morning and the state of her current mental condition. There I sat in the Crisis Room talking to the wall about how I loved, fantasized, and obsessed about death and suicide. When the doctor asked me, “who are you talking to?” I turned in my hospital gown and looked him in the eye and said, “Death.” He scribbled on his clipboard and walked away.

It was on the Fifth of May 2014 I changed into my clothes and followed two policemen out to the police car and was transferred to a local Private Mental Health Psychiatric Facility. I was admitted to my third hospitalization at 11:28 pm that night.

It was on the Fifth of May 2014 my journey to recovery and mental stability began when I signed in as an “involuntary” patient but in nine hours I signed in as a “voluntary” patient. It was that night I was given my rights and guide to recovery.

It was on the Fifth of June 2014 I was successfully discharged from the psychiatric facility with a brand new outlook on life; a clearer vision for my future and a new hope for myself. It was on the Fifth of June 2014 my psychiatrist from the mental hospital diagnosed me with the following:

  • Major Depressive Disorder (MDD)
  • Not Specified (NOS) Anxiety Disorder – show symptoms of Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)
  • Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) – also show to have multiple identities.
  • NOS Bipolar Disorder – show symptoms of Bipolar Type I and severe mood swings

It is the Fifth of July 2014 and I am proud to say I am healthy, alive, and “somewhat” mentally stable and have come a long way since the Fifth of May. I say “somewhat” mentally stable because I am not fully stable and do not know if anyone can ever be 100% mentally stable. If you are kudos to you and please, let us be friends.I know for me personally I am about 65% mentally stable as of today. It is the Fifth of July 2014 and I have a great support system which includes the following: my loving family, 9 tremendous friends, 4 amazing support people, my wonderful therapist, and Motherly psychiatrist. It is for the Fifth, I thank the people above for standing by my side and being there for me any hour of the day.

It is for the Fifth I applaud myself for coursing through the storm and not letting it consume or destroy me.
It is for the Fifth I smile grandiosely and filled with joy to reconnect with my passions and goals.
It is for the Fifth I thank myself for finding the courage to accept my illness and stand up for mental illnesses around the world.

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64 thoughts on “For the Fifth”

  1. I am glad you are right here. It wasn’t meant to be that you checked out.. You are a good person who listens to everything you think is bad about you.. Now what are the wonderful things??? Tell us:)

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Should you need a comforting shoulder call me 707-387-8257… I’ve watched how things have occurred in your life.. Be good to yourself

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  2. And it was on the Fifth of May 2014 that you took the first step in looking your demons in the eye and telling them “Alright, you sons-of-bitches… let’s dance.”

    I remember the first time I saw my BPD/MDD/PTSD/GAD wife being wheeled out of our house on a gurney. I had not been able to get close to her after the paramedics and firefighters and police officers arrived in response to my 9-1-1 call: my wife has a sizeable wine-stain birthmark on her shoulder than looks, for all the world, like an enormous bruise.
    Cops did the right thing while they were trying to sort things out with a lady who had just taken as many as FORTY Xanax.
    The paramedics were good enough to pause on their way out so I could speak to Liz through her haze:
    “It’s about time, honey. You’ve been hiding from too many things for too long a time, and guess what? They won’t let you do that any more. While you’ve been avoiding them, they’ve been getting stronger.
    “Now it’s your turn to get stronger, and it’s about time.”

    Your post brought back the vivid memory of that night and the turning point it was in Liz’s thriving life.
    You should feel as proud of yourself as so many of us feel happy for you.

    And some of the most stable people I’ve ever known have been the most outwardly loopy lunatics it’s ever been my pleasure to meet.

    Liked by 5 people

      1. Sure doesn’t hurt the rest of us either when you do.

        Mass lunacy does have its good points.
        One of them is that with the right people listening, you can say pretty much anything.

        Thanks for sharing.

        Harris

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  3. ❤ I'm so happy you wrote this, I also feel oddly proud although I've never met you or talked to you. And how you found the courage to write this and say yeah this is what was wrong, and it was bad. Also, you got the diagnostics quite fast 🙂 I'm so glad you're here anyway, even if you're a stranger to me 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

    1. It took them a month to monitor me, I took a questionnaire exam and a verbal interview type thing with several psychiatrists to get the formal list above. This may be way I walked out with some Not Specified diagnostics as well. My current psychiatrist is working closely with me to monitor my bipolar like symptoms and anxiety.

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  4. This is amazing, Phoenix. I really relate to this…and I know how hard it is getting out of that place. Incidentally, my hospitalization was just 3 days before yours. You are very brave and I’m certainly glad you’re here!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. It’s sometimes times like this when you are the lowest of low, at the bottom of the pit, that it takes something like this to happen in order for us to realise that ending our own lives is not what we actually want. We want to just stop the suffering. And whilst it can be traumatic to be so close to death (it happened to me too) and it may cause us a bit of trauma (it did to me), we get a perspective because what we have been through.

    You should be very proud of yourself for all the hard work you are putting in to overcome this and get better. You deserve it. I hope that you continue to feel better and better all the time!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Phoenix, you will continue to rise from the ashes. You know that on some days your wings will not be strong enough to let you soar, but other days you shall. Your courage in writing this is incredible. I like the fifth of July also, because here you are writing to us.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. You’re right regarding no one having 100% mental stability. What exactly is 100% mental stability anyway? More important than 100% mental stability is to obtain a 100% peaceful heart.

    * It sounds like you’ve been well on your way since that fifth of May*

    I’m glad you’re here, I applaud you too. You’re a stranger yes, but just as I would applaud at the end of this story if it were a play I was watching, I applaud you for your humbleness, strength and “putting it out there.” Storms can be scary, depressing, bleak and usually quite dark – I’ve had a few … but sometimes, the bigger the storm, the more cleansing received once it passes. Never stop cleansing ((((((hugs))))).

    Thank you for sharing your pride in yourself – you deserve to be proud!

    Lots of love to you.
    Kimberly

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are so welcome. I am so glad someone else can relate and thank you for the wishes.
      I wish you all the best as well. I am so happy you turned around!
      Sending positive vibes your way ! -Phoenix.

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  8. I love reading your blogs. You are tremendously strong and I am so incredibly amazed by you. You have helped so many people through your passion for helping others and through your writing. You should be extremely proud of yourself. You are saving lives and inspiring others to remain strong! I am honored to know you and to see the wonderful impact you are having on the world. The world is better with you here beautiful 😀

    Miss you and I am glad to see you are doing well!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Thanks for liking my blog post today. I can’t tell you how close I’ve been to it being the 5th for me. but so glad you’re past the 5th July and brighter than the 5th of June and especially 5th of May. I will remember your words. I’ve been there with an attempted and failed suicide, it sucks a lot. I’m glad you’ve come out to see the better side of it that doesn’t suck. Take care, x

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Hello phoeniz42013, thank you for your real-life story. It helped me a lot. It brought back memories. On the SIXTH of November, 2013, I voluntarily admitted myself to psychiatric ward because I attempted suicide. I was trying to overcome an addiction that I have fought for my entire life. I had relapsed one more time. I felt: Oh what’s the use. However, I made it through. This year has been better for me. I have had only one slip since 11/06/2013. Thanks again.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello! Thank you for taking the time to not only read my story but have the courage to share a little piece of you with me. You are so strong and courageous for taking the necessary steps and actions to get help on 11/6/13, It is okay to relapse I relapsed once since my discharge and I wrote about it on my blog. But the thing with relapse is to not let it swallow you and create a deeper ditch for you to sit in for a long period of time but grow from it and slowly come out of it a much stronger person than before. I wish you all the best in your road to recovery. Sending positive vibes your way – Phoenix

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      1. Thank you, Phoenix. You are right. I am a much stronger person since the relapse. It actually uncovered my inner most values that mean more to me than my addiction. I enjoy your writing; it touches me deeply. –Richard

        Liked by 1 person

  11. Now I want to celebrate the Fifth every month with you. Thank you for sharing this. I am glad to know that, though I feel alone, I am at least not alone in these emotions and anxieties.

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    1. Hi! Thank you for taking the time to read an important post to me and commenting . You have no idea how much your words and support means to me. You are not alone and I am not alone together we are never alone. I write to not only speak for myself but speak for you and the other person next to me suffering. I am so glad I could help and will continue to help. Sending positive vibes your way – Phoenix

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  12. I’m so happy you’re here!!! This post is beautifully raw and honest. Thanks for sharing. I battle with bouts depression because of my Chronic Migraine disease. As a result, look forward to reading more of your posts. Take care. Oh and thanks for following my blog :).

    • Skylar

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  13. So happy life gather us! Happy to meet a warrior! Happy to hear a success story!
    I know a bit or two about mental illness myself, I have OCD, my father also, and my beloved one has severe depression and in his family there are two bipolar patients.
    I’m an extremely positive person, that keeps me alive. My thing is to raise awareness on mental illness and help whoever is around carrying hell in his heart. I’ve been there, it’s time for me to give back.
    Welcome to your brand new world, this time, you are in charge.

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  14. Wow. You’re story is amazing. It looks like you have been through a lot. It’s amazing how you can remember certain minute details, such as the exact times during the day and the conversations you had. I’m happy to see you’re doing better and that you have a strong support network (which is always big to have throughout life). I will keep you in my prayers.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I have been there, and I’m glad you are on a healing journey. Someone wise told me that it is not about the destination, but about the journey itself. In an often crazy world, it puzzles me how so many people can be “sane.” I don’t put a lot of stock in psychiatric diagnoses, but there are patterns that reveal themselves. I often think that “mental illness” is nothing more that people’s various ways of coping with pain they’d endured, and unfortunately, the ways we are forced to cope are not always the best for our health and happiness. Genuinely kind and caring people often get targeted by the “not-so-kind” people, who truly do deserve s psychiatric diagnoses. This only compounds our ill-working coping strategies, and makes our lives more miserable. You are blessed to be surrounded by a support system and people who love you. Just knowing that one is loved makes all the difference, and I wish you well.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I applaud you on the honesty of your story. I think your are taking a great step towards your mental recovery and health. I hope this journey that you have begun gives you great insight into yourself and more importantly realization of your self worth and what you offer to your family, friends and those in your life!

    Liked by 1 person

  17. I can really related to this post and brings back memories of my own experiences. I am glad you are in a better place now and spreading awareness of this debilitating condition. Well done for being brave enough to share you’re story xx
    P.S. Thank you so much for liking and following my blog, it means a lot to me. I look forward to reading more of your posts and hopefully connecting with you.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. This made me tear up ;____; I’ve dealt with several bouts of anorexia, and it’s something I have to fight every day. Some days are much easier than others. I know now that I start to spiral downwards when I get into really toxic situations or relationships. I’m working on getting out of those sorts of situations faster because I have a very hard time controlling my emotions and feelings. About two months ago something nearly triggered a relapse into anorexia, and that’s when I knew I had to get out or I was going to hurt myself. I’m doing much better now that I got out of that toxic situation. Everyone processes the world in a different way, but this is how I have to go about things. It’s been awhile since I’ve had suicidal thoughts so I’m thankful for that. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m glad you are doing better now, and I hope it continues. Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Phoenix, thanks fo ryour visit to my personal journey blog (amultitudeofmusings.com). I am so glad you are here and able to share yoru story. Like you are happy for the fifth, so am I for the third, because it was November 3rd, 2007 that I was hospitalized. I still reisde in a psychiatric facility though because I cannot safely live on my own and no supported housing placement has been found suitable yet. Where can I find your journal? I ask because the home page is your introduction and there was only a link to this post.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. You have such a strong and gripping way of sharing your story. I hope you continue to gain strength by opening up to the world through your words. Your story will reach out to others dealing with the same illness and also to those of us who don’t understand. I am confident of that statement because you touched me deeply with your honesty and vulnerability. I think you are still here for a reason…for a purpose that only you can fulfill. I look forward to learning more about your journey to heal.

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