July 5th, 2014 10:54 am
I am thankful for the Fifth of each month let alone the first of the month. Of course the first of each month is a new start for most, a clean slate to not be late for the next utility bill and try to avoid the grocery store on the impeccable first. Yes, the first. But, my heart resonates with the Fifth of the month. Yes, the feverish Fifth. Why? Why love such an odd day out of the month? Without the Fifth I would not be here. Okay, without the Fifth I would not be alive, healthy, and well. Without the Fifth I would not be sitting in front of my Lenova laptop typing this current entry. Without the Fifth I would be six feet under. It is for the Fifth I will be forever grateful.
It was on the Fifth of May 2014 I woke up in a panic knowing that that day would be my last day here on Earth. It was that morning I took X amount of Ibuprofen pills, 49 out of 100 200 mg to be exact, and mixed it with a half bottle of hard liquor. It was also that morning I wrote a will and several letters to my family members and close friends. The weekend prior I blew approximately $200 dollars on bar trips, dinners, and friends. That morning I had $210.89 to my name. Around 10:42 am I made my first call to a good friend of mine to come to my room to “help me calm down”. But, little did she know it was a trap and I wanted her and my five other close friends to witness me die. Around 11:15 am, I was in the fetus position on my bed surrounded by my close friends. They saw the notes around me and I commanded them to read them aloud to me. My goal here was to die to the sound of their voices as they read my heart-felt words. The last time my eyes made one with the black clock sitting next to my bed was 11:26 am and I started to slowly shut down and could feel my heart beat faster but it felt weak. I was beginning to go and knew my time was up. The last thing I remember from that morning on the Fifth was a hug one from one of my best friends.
It was on the Fifth of May 2014 I woke up in a panic in the back of an ambulance truck at approximately 12:33 pm surrounded by paramedics and an oxygen mask on my mouth. I was hooked up to several monitors and an IV. The paramedic told me, “you are lucky to be alive Miss can you hear me okay”. All of a sudden I heard several beeping noises and a woman hollered, “we are loosing her we are loosing her!” My eyes opened and met with the clock at 1:15 pm. I was in a hospital bed hooked up to several monitors. The doctor walked in leaned toward my pale flushed brown face and said, “Miss you are in the hospital, you are lucky to be alive, can you tell me what happened here?” I whispered, “I killed myself.” The words came out so effortlessly and the doctor responded ,” No ma’am you did not, you tried, you did not commit suicide.” I cried. Or tried to cry. I do not remember.
It was on the Fifth of May 2014 I regained consciousness at 4:26 pm and peed for the first time that day, but did not eat. I was transported to the 24 Hour Crisis Watch Room in the hospital where the medical doctor contacted my parents and presented to them the news of what their first daughter tried to do earlier that morning and the state of her current mental condition. There I sat in the Crisis Room talking to the wall about how I loved, fantasized, and obsessed about death and suicide. When the doctor asked me, “who are you talking to?” I turned in my hospital gown and looked him in the eye and said, “Death.” He scribbled on his clipboard and walked away.
It was on the Fifth of May 2014 I changed into my clothes and followed two policemen out to the police car and was transferred to a local Private Mental Health Psychiatric Facility. I was admitted to my third hospitalization at 11:28 pm that night.
It was on the Fifth of May 2014 my journey to recovery and mental stability began when I signed in as an “involuntary” patient but in nine hours I signed in as a “voluntary” patient. It was that night I was given my rights and guide to recovery.
It was on the Fifth of June 2014 I was successfully discharged from the psychiatric facility with a brand new outlook on life; a clearer vision for my future and a new hope for myself. It was on the Fifth of June 2014 my psychiatrist from the mental hospital diagnosed me with the following:
- Major Depressive Disorder (MDD)
- Not Specified (NOS) Anxiety Disorder – show symptoms of Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)
- Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) – also show to have multiple identities.
- NOS Bipolar Disorder – show symptoms of Bipolar Type I and severe mood swings
It is the Fifth of July 2014 and I am proud to say I am healthy, alive, and “somewhat” mentally stable and have come a long way since the Fifth of May. I say “somewhat” mentally stable because I am not fully stable and do not know if anyone can ever be 100% mentally stable. If you are kudos to you and please, let us be friends.I know for me personally I am about 65% mentally stable as of today. It is the Fifth of July 2014 and I have a great support system which includes the following: my loving family, 9 tremendous friends, 4 amazing support people, my wonderful therapist, and Motherly psychiatrist. It is for the Fifth, I thank the people above for standing by my side and being there for me any hour of the day.
It is for the Fifth I applaud myself for coursing through the storm and not letting it consume or destroy me.
It is for the Fifth I smile grandiosely and filled with joy to reconnect with my passions and goals.
It is for the Fifth I thank myself for finding the courage to accept my illness and stand up for mental illnesses around the world.