July 6th, 2014 2:35 pm
The majority of my viewers and followers know my story and I believe it is now time for me to start the rebirth process of my life and reclaim the following:
- trust (in my family and close friends)
- my life
I currently lack all of the qualities and attributes listed above. I should not be too hard on myself since I am still in the early stages of my recovery. I am ready to put the pieces of my life back together, but I cannot do so until I work on the list above. Of course, this is not a one week or one month process. No. This is going to take several months, maybe years, until I feel fully confident that yes I am worthy to live and yes I, too, should be happy. But, focusing on the here and now, I feel pretty “low” and “negative” about myself. Something that I’ve struggled with for several years and finally I’ve received the answers as to why I think, feel, and act the way I do. I was recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). But I am not going to let BPD define my actions and be the reason I cannot love myself and have stable relationships with other people.
The first step or stage in the rebirth of my life is SELF-ESTEEM. I have a very low and poor self-esteem probably the lowest of all esteems one can ever feel about his/or herself. Here’s a little taste of my self-esteem:
- Nobody likes me because I am a nerd, weird, and awkward.
- Amongst my close girlfriends I am the “ugly duckling” and fat. At parties guys do not talk to me because I wear glasses and have a chubby face.
- I am a disappointment to myself and family because I am not the “normal” child.
- In order to get people to like me I have to do everything they tell me to do and “buy” them things to get them to like me.
- I am a failure because I got one question wrong on a test; I am a failure because I will not be graduating with my Bachelors in 4-years
- I do not deserve this job or acceptance to this University /program because I am so stupid and a complete low-life.
- My suggestion to the group is pointless, they all think I am dumb anyway.
And the list goes on and on. I say something poor about myself almost once a day. I share my poor self-esteem with others almost every day. (My family hears the core of it every day). Most of the statements above usually end with the following sentence , “…and because of this I am going to kill myself.” My self-esteem is beyond poor to the point where 9 times out of 10 I make suicidal threats and self-harm (cut or burn myself, I usually burn).
Before I reestablish my goals and reclaim my life, I must build up my self-esteem by working on my self-image and creating a stable sense of myself. I’ve never had a positive self-image of myself; I’ve always had a distorted image since the age of 13 hence why I have a history of anorexia. I am not quite sure why my brain tends to focus so much on my appearance, but obviously it is a big factor in my poor self-esteem. Recently, I’ve gained ~20 lbs in the past two months due to my mood stability/Bipolar medication, Seroquel. Every medication has some sort of side effect and of course I am on the one that makes people gain weight rather than lose! The only clothes that fit me are t-shirts, tights, and sweatpants. Sexy right? I feel great, but look absolutely horrendous!
I am planning to return back to school next month in hopes to finish my degree. I want to go back to school feeling better than before: emotionally and physically. So starting this week I will be going on ‘The Rebirth Diet’ which will include the following:
- Drink nine-8 oz glass of water a day. **Do not drink ice tea! (it’s my favorite)**
- Eat fruits (include grapefruit) & vegetables daily. **Make a salad instead of eating Doritos**
- Portion foods : half cup servings and slices instead of whole.
- Limit daily intake of carbohydrates and starches (especially pasta)
- Limit sweets & dessert (sorry brownies).
- No sauces, spices, or dressings.
- Exercise: walk, jog, run for ~30 minutes four times a week.
- Use positive reinforcement daily: “great job” “good effort” etc & positive self-talk.
This diet was discussed with my psychiatrist who recommended the following above to combat the weight gain from the Seroquel.
Hopefully I can shed a few pounds and increase my self-esteem during the process.
I am ready to rise from the burning ashes of poor self-esteem.