The Rebirth – Stage I : Self-Esteem

July 6th, 2014  2:35 pm

The majority of my viewers and followers know my story and I believe it is now time for me to start the rebirth process of my life and reclaim the following:

  • self-control
  • trust (in my family and close friends)
  • happiness
  • love
  • positivity
  • worthiness
  • self-confidence
  • courage
  • ambition
  • my life

I currently lack all of the qualities and attributes listed above. I should not be too hard on myself since I am still in the early stages of my recovery. I am ready to put the pieces of my life back together, but I cannot do so until I work on the list above. Of course, this is not a one week or one month process. No. This is going to take several months, maybe years, until I feel fully confident that yes I am worthy to live and yes I, too, should be happy. But, focusing on the here and now, I feel pretty “low” and “negative” about myself. Something that I’ve struggled with for several years and finally I’ve received the answers as to why I think, feel, and act the way I do. I was recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). But I am not going to let BPD define my actions and be the reason I cannot love myself and have stable relationships with other people.

The first step or stage in the rebirth of my life is SELF-ESTEEM. I have a very low and poor self-esteem probably the lowest of all esteems one can ever feel about his/or herself.  Here’s a little taste of my self-esteem:

  • Nobody likes me because I am a nerd, weird, and awkward.
  • Amongst my close girlfriends I am the “ugly duckling” and fat. At parties guys do not talk to me because I wear glasses and have a chubby face.
  • I am a disappointment to myself and family because I am not the “normal” child.
  • In order to get people to like me I have to do everything they tell me to do and “buy” them things to get them to like me.
  • I am a failure because I got one question wrong on a test; I am a failure because I will not be graduating with my Bachelors in 4-years
  • I do not deserve this job or acceptance to this University /program because I am so stupid and a complete low-life.
  • My suggestion to the group is pointless, they all think I am dumb anyway.

And the list goes on and on. I say something poor about myself almost once a day. I share my poor self-esteem with others almost every day. (My family hears the core of it every day). Most of the statements above usually end with the following sentence , “…and because of this I am going to kill myself.” My self-esteem is beyond poor to the point where 9 times out of 10 I make suicidal threats and self-harm (cut or burn myself, I usually burn).

Before I reestablish my goals and reclaim my life, I must build up my self-esteem by working on my self-image and creating a stable sense of myself. I’ve never had a positive self-image of myself; I’ve always had a distorted image since the age of 13 hence why I have a history of anorexia. I am not quite sure why my brain tends to focus so much on my appearance, but obviously it is a big factor in my poor self-esteem. Recently, I’ve gained ~20 lbs in the past two months due to my mood stability/Bipolar medication, Seroquel. Every medication has some sort of side effect and of course I am on the one that makes people gain weight rather than lose! The only clothes that fit me are t-shirts, tights, and sweatpants. Sexy right? I feel great, but look absolutely horrendous!

I am planning to return back to school next month in hopes to finish my degree. I want to go back to school feeling better than before: emotionally and physically. So starting this week I will be going on ‘The Rebirth Diet’ which will include the following:

  • Drink nine-8 oz glass of water a day. **Do not drink ice tea! (it’s my favorite)**
  • Eat fruits (include grapefruit) & vegetables daily. **Make a salad instead of eating Doritos**
  • Portion foods : half cup servings and slices instead of whole.
  • Limit daily intake of carbohydrates and starches (especially pasta)
  • Limit sweets & dessert (sorry brownies).
  • No sauces, spices, or dressings.
  • Exercise: walk, jog, run for ~30 minutes four times a week.
  • Use positive reinforcement daily: “great job” “good effort” etc & positive self-talk.

This diet was discussed with my psychiatrist who recommended the following above to combat the weight gain from the Seroquel.

Hopefully I can shed a few pounds and increase my self-esteem during the process.

I am ready to rise from the burning ashes of poor self-esteem.

 

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28 thoughts on “The Rebirth – Stage I : Self-Esteem”

  1. Feeling inadequate is awful: I truly hope you find a way to regain your self-esteem. Your plan sounds like a great one, especially the positive reinforcement. I’m terrible at this: I’ve always been my harshest critic so I’m also having to learn to be nicer to myself. Wishing you all the best on your road to recovery!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks for the wishes.
      I agree with you, I, too, am my harshest critic you can never get anything positive past me but I am trying to work on controlling the negative thoughts.

      Like

  2. I have gained a lot using seroquel. Like 40 lbs. I need to drastically change my diet and exercise routine. I have just recently been struggling with leaving the house. My favorite exercise is Jazzercise which requires me to leave the house. I need to make some good healthy goals for this next week.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. It is so easy and tempting to waste the day away. I am going to make to do lists with alarms. Maybe tomorrow I will be productive. But sometimes when I leave the house I don’t want to go back. It is definitely a catch 22.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. You have a worthy vision and a healthy first plan. I hear you want to be good and kind to yourself because you deserve it as a human being. You’re correct. Courage! Strength! Determination! Laughter! Compassion! Faith! Patience! I wish you all this and more.
    Elouise

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Phoenix, I know it is difficult to increase your self-esteem. I’m going through it. I often give myself negative comments than positive ones.
    I have a tip for you. Have a friend or someone that you can confine in to motivate you to do those things to keep yourself healthy, such as walking or running with your friend or eating a salad during lunch with your friend. Also have a daily routine like always bring a bottle of water with you when you are heading to work. Basically, be creative with your decisions. Good luck!

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Wow, that is some plan! It looks like the kind of plan I’d come up with and I’m a perfectionist! 🙂 I note you have some excellent mental health referral sites listed on your site and wanted to just check in with you that you and your psychiatrist or someone else you trust have discussed your suicidal ideation and self-harm? This seems so personal a thing to discuss this way but in Australia (where I am) we use the Applied Suicide Skills Intervention Training (ASSIST) model to assist people in knowing how to help someone having suicidal thoughts. The key point being not to ignore someone threatening it. Feel free to tell me to get lost – but my dear, your story is yet to truly unfold and I (and I am sure, lots of other people) want to be sure you are here to both live and write it.

    M only other comment – take it slow and steady – one good new habit per week is better than three unachieved. Wishing you kind self thoughts and calm moments.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi I really appreciate the comment and your willingness to help understand my story, I will not tell you or anyone to ever get lost I am very open about what’s going on.
      Yes to your question my therapist and psychiatrist are aware that I do “burn” myself occassionally but since my discharge I’ve only burned myself twice.. and I do have coping skills to avoid actually doing it again. For my suicidal thoughts/threats my family knows not to ignore it since they are the ones that get the majority of the threats my mom is usually the one to sit me down and hear me out which is great. I usually journal my sucidial thoughts and comments to share with my therapist during our 1:1 appointmetns.
      I am taking it slowly and one day at a time. Thanks for hearing me out and listening!
      -Phoenix.

      Like

      1. That’s great. Thanks for reassuring me that you are safe. Sorry for the mothering! 🙂 It sounds as though you are doing incredibly well to navigate an awful lot. Glad to know your family is being so supporting. Your blog is taking your readers with you on this journey so thank you for your bravery in sharing.

        Liked by 2 people

  6. I really like this writing. It sounds a lot like myself, we should get to know each other text or fb message back and forth for support. I’ve been needing & wanting a support buddy for healthy causes, someone to talk to about my moods without feeling insane and positive thoughts for confidence. I’m Kayla

    Liked by 1 person

  7. You are a healing soul and BPD is caused by trauma.. You suffered that… Don’t be so hard on yourself.. You are a beautiful soul:)

    Liked by 1 person

  8. It is good to be one greatest critic but you have to give yourself some slack. You are quite like Van Gogh in a way…like Veraina..u have a lot of mothers here who believe in you and are watching your back with love…

    Like

  9. I struggle with a lot of the things you mentioned at the start of your post. I look forward to reading about your journey and learning from it too. I wish you all the best. BPD doesn’t rule your life. Yes, it does make some things more difficult at times, but since you’re aware of it, you can find the strengths in it too.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Watch Out – Quetiapine Warning (It should not be taken with Grapefruit) Check this link for detailed cautions for this drug
    http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/brain-and-nervous-system/medicines/seroquel.html
    In my personal opinion Quetiapine works faster than Lithium (or with lithium) but it comes with many side effects. I am also trying to get rid of this drug.

    Also go through it:
    http://www.webmd.com/drugs/mono-8274-QUETIAPINE+-+ORAL.aspx?drugid=4689&drugname=quetiapine+fumarate+oral

    Good luck.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi yes I am aware that it should not be taken with grapefruit but my doctor said in moderation like 1 slice every 2 weeks not an every day thing. That’s why I said the diet should include grapefruit but I know I should not consume it with Seroquel. But I wrote the diet plan as something others could possible do as well. But I don’t like grapefruit so I wont be eating it!

      Hopefully I can get rid of it too!!

      Thanks for checking in and the comment!

      Like

      1. I know. Do you exercise of any kind? Try to include it in your routine, start with simple walking or wandering in evening.. it will not be helpful for physical health only but also gives a healthy stimulation to mind. and going out of home, changing environment always make a way for new thoughts.
        rayan.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I used to exercise a lot before my hospitalization. Since my discharge I just have not found the energy to do so as before.
        I am going to take your advice and start small and start walking around my neighborhood.
        Thanks for the advice Rayan!
        -Phoenix.

        Like

  11. I’m a little late to comment, but I appreciate your honesty in all these posts. It helps me to understand some of my loved ones and their struggles.

    I think your health plan sounds like a good idea, very balanced. That said, it is not a measure of your worth as a human being, nothing outside you is. You are unique, eloquent, engaging, brave and infinitely precious. The world is better with you in it, you don’t have to earn that, it just is.

    Thank you for sharing bits and pieces of your heart and your journey.

    Like

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