S.O.S – What To Do During My Next Suicide Attempt?

July 7th, 2014  11:41 AM

The first thought you may have is something of the following, “what do you mean by NEXT attempt I thought you have  NO reason to make another attempt…” Let’s be frank or let me be frank with you, I cannot predict the future or foresee my next step or action let alone the day I wake up and feel completely not like myself. I cannot promise myself to not make another attempt but I can pledge to live my life to the fullest. And I am doing this everyday. So why am I writing this post? To be the voice for the ones who are currently struggling with thoughts of suicide and cannot speak up about it; I want to open the door and provide the warning signs for a friend/loved one to look out for. But at the end of the day this is for my friends, the people who look up to me and love me, to understand my triggers and know my warning signs. All of my posts are connected to my Twitter account and I only know of 3 people, 3 friends of mine, who read my posts every now and then to understand who I really am. These people make sure to check in on me. A small part of me wonders what the other 150+ people or so-called “friends” with extreme quotation marks think of me and the headlines I post. When I post entries that mean a lot to me and only 3 of my friends take the time  to read them, in my mind, my “messed up” “psychotic” mind,  I just want to suicide again and end my life for good to show those people yes, I am deeply struggling and need support. I need love. I need “friends” to help me recover. I need people to check in, call me, every once in a while to hear my voice and hear the pain or the happiness. Such a big – small favor but means absolutely the WORLD to me. Okay now that I’ve said that…back to the purpose of this post!

What to do during my next suicide attempt? Below you will find a stage progression beginning with a month prior to the attempt to a couple of days before the attempt and the things I almost always do. This list is based on my personal experience from my several attempts in the past and my most recent one in May. I wish I could speak for everyone struggling but I cannot. I know I do show some of the major red flags that is common in almost every suicidal individual. While I was hospitalized, part of my recovery was to identify my triggers, stressors, and warning signs to create my safety crisis plan. **I am not a mental health professional, just a survivor speaking about my story**

1 Month Prior to Suicide Attempt

  • Start to become extremely irritable, every little thing will start to bother me. In person I may not want to engage in the conversation, become quiet and not speak in the group. (note: I may not show irritability in front of people I will usually wait until I am alone to deal with the situation)
  • Lethargic
  • Change in my appearance (hair is usually up and my attire consist of t-shirts, sweatshirts and sweatpants – even in the summer I will wear sweatshirts/sweatpants sometimes to hide the self-harm)
  • Eating habits: start to eat less food.
  • Consume more alcohol than usual.
  • Start to isolate myself from crowds of people (including friends, co-workers). Have the urge to work and do things in solitude.
  • May engage in more verbal arguments or altercations than usual (I am the type of person who never talks back to others but I’ve noticed when I want to take my life I tend to argue more leading up to the day)
  • Insomnia (usually trouble falling asleep which will make the next day hard to get through)
  • Start to skip classes and run late to work. (Academics are highly important to me so when I miss class, you should be worried)
  • Have no motivation or energy to do homework but tend to force self to complete it. (This is where my suicidal intentions start to get stronger as I get frustrated with myself because I cannot seem to complete the homework or get through it successfully as before because I have little to no energy – here I never seek help)
  • Withdraw myself from major activities, cancel my attendance to outings, not show up to my favorite organizations/clubs meetings.
  • Start to plan suicide by researching methods, crafting a plan that I usually write down on college ruled notebook paper in black ink pen. (ALWAYS! I ALWAYS do this! and if you are looking for the plan it will be underneath my mattress!)
  • Start to say the following statements: “It’s complicated” “I do not want to be bothered” “I cannot do this anymore” “This is too hard for me” “I do not want to be a burden” <— this statement I usually say to my mom or someone I truly do love
  • Start to purchase items needed to commit suicide.
  • Excessive splurging on self: pizza & alcohol are the top two. I rarely buy clothes, I know I can’t wear them when I am dead.
  • Look sad, angry, or mad.
  •  Extremely emotional. I tend to cry for no apparent reason.

1 Week Prior To Suicide Attempt

  • Do not attend class or work. I stop going to the things that are important to me.
  • Severe isolation. Tend to stay in my room all day long do not leave for anything.
  • Drink alcohol excessively. Make more bar trips than usual.
  • Eat less.
  • Sleep more, excessively.
  • Do not talk to anyone, start to avoid social media (stop posting on IG, Twitter, Facebook), calls, text messages, and activities.
  • Start to make suicidal comments to close friends: “It would be better if I was not here” “If I was to die today, what would you miss the most about me” <— this is my signature question I ALWAYS ALWAYS ask before I want to commit suicide. I rarely say, “I am going to kill myself”.
  • Cry almost every day.
  • Stop taking medications.

Now, here’s where things start to get weird and is probably why people cannot understand why I may be suicidal at times or truly see the signs…

2-3 Days Prior to Suicide Attempt

  • Happier and calmer than usual. (This is because I know my life is about to be over…)
  • Talking excessively and engaging in conversations with other people. But here’s the catch with this one…I do not start the conversations the other person usually does and I start to feed into it to mask the sadness.
  • Engage in social functions. i.e. bar trips, dancing, dinner with friends, or movies.
  • Continue to ask the following question: “If I was to die today, what would you miss the most about me?”
  • Cannot sleep.
  • Get headaches more often than usual.
  • Do not take medications.

Night Before Suicide Attempt

  • Make last post to social media accounts. The post usually has something to do with “farewell” “love” something sad.
  • Send last text message to good friends. Usually saying “You know I love you?” “I love you” “You mean the world to me” etc etc.
  • Cry myself to sleep and start to tell myself : “I am doing the right thing” “This is what’s best for me”
  • Typically I do little to nothing the night before.
  • Ignore calls and texts. But, sometimes I make outgoing calls to important people to talk to them to pass the time at late hours in the night (after midnight).

If you see any of the above here’s what I need you to do:

  • DO ask me is everything okay. (9/10 I will be honest with you but there is that 1/10 chance I am going to ignore you)
  • DO ask me if I am having thoughts of suicide.  If I say “yes” get immediate help because my plan has either started or is in the works of getting started. If I say “no”, that means “yes” and you should continue to get help. (Sorry for being complicated but I tend to lie when I am serious about taking my life)
  • DO stay with me or come to me.
  • DO NOT let me be alone.
  • DO ask me what’s been going on, what’s happening, and why I feel this way. To get me talking.
  • DO ask me if I have a plan to kill myself. (10/10 I will tell you my plan and what I am going to do in great detail and I need you to listen to me and NOT tell me you do not want to hear it. If you know you cannot listen to my plan in great detail, try to contact another friend or person to come over or talk to me. This is where I need to be heard out and listened to)
  • DO search my room for knives and scissors and remove those items.
  • DO express concern for me.
  • DO NOT argue with me or tell me “suicide is not the way out” blah blah you are just going to increase my chances to take immediate action.
  • DO ask if I took my medication. (9/10 I did not…)
  • DO contact my parents so I can get help.
  • DO take action if that means you take me to the hospital or call for help. (Of course I will be mad and upset but at the end of the day I know you are trying to help and I will thank you later)
  • Please, try to be calm. If you are not calm, I will get excited and take action. (Sounds weird but this happened once)

One thing I should add is that I am highly sensitive and fragile even now, with my medication. This means that you can say or do one wrong thing to me and the solution that pops in my head immediately is suicide. Suicidal ideation is my biggest weakness. It’s hard to control but I am working with my therapist to control these thoughts. Almost everything is a trigger to me: comments, actions, and even some conversations or words. But please, act normal around me and work with me. I will let you know if I do not want to engage in a conversation with you to avoid suicidal thoughts.

Please be there for me and anyone who is struggling. Knowing that I matter to someone and that you care about me will help solidify my purpose to continue to live.


66 thoughts on “S.O.S – What To Do During My Next Suicide Attempt?”

  1. Good post, your friends would do well to read it. One thing I find however is that things that are planned are less likely to happen than the spontaneous. I have planned and never done it, the one time I did it without planning, when it just felt right at the time, I was less than 5 minutes away from hitting a train. The fact that you plan ahead is a good sign, you still have rational thought, hang on to that, it will keep you going.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are so right and my psychiatrist mentioned the same thing. I guess because I am an engineering candidate it’s just in my nature to always create a blueprint or plan of action of some sort so I tend to use my major as a benefit in my suicide attempts. When I was 15 I did a spontaneous attempt which led me into the medical hospital first then the psychiatric hospital. Thanks for the kind words!


  2. You sure seem to know a lot about yourself, and your illnes. And that is a major step. I will preach this, the reason you shouldn´t do harm to yourself is because you are not by yourself. There are people out there who really care and love you. So the hurt you can do to them is probably greater than what you think. Think about the people that love you. I can´t put myself in your shoes, I can understand you as much as I´m able, but just think of those people who actually now you and love you. You can devastate their life´s.

    Hope you´ll keep fighting on.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for taking the time to read this and comment. You are right I do seem to know a lot more about myself now than I did before and I have to thank being in the hospital. The first two weeks there sucked but I was able to find the benefit and reason for my being admitted.
      I am going to continue to fight! My followers are my biggest support!


      1. To me it seems that it´s key to know about your illness, same goes for the rest of humans, the more we know about our faults and virtues the better tools we can use to work around the issues that face us.

        But always try to keep in mind the people around you and how too it will affect them.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Fantastic post. I missed a lot of these signs when I lost a friend to suicide a few years ago, and I exhibit most of these when I am about to make and attempt. To save time on research I have a website that details the success rates of various methods bookmarked on the favorites bar of my browser. Another warning sign from me, if I am wearing longs sleeves and it is 107 degrees outside (like I am and it is today) it is time to take action and take it now.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment!
      I agree with you and I know exactly what you mean by having a bookmarked tap because I used to have several on my computer as well.
      I hope you are taking care of yourself and know that you are not alone.
      Sending positive vibes your way – Phoenix 🙂


  4. It’s easier to be informative than it is to be compassionate, and you have done both.
    An incredible post.

    A couple of things:
    I am proud to say I have less than sixty “Friends” on Facebook. Could probably cut it back to ten of them who pay much attention to anything I post on there. And let’s face it – Facebook is largely about YouTube videos of dancing cats, a “friend” posting thirty-four of the same kissie-faced, duck-lipped selfies each week, pictures of a homegrown salad with comments like “Yummie!!! AND TOTALLY ORGANIC!!!!” and Zuckerberg selling personal info on everyone…
    … all of which would not have fit on Twitter.
    Sad state of affairs that I’ve seen some friends post some personal stuff on Facebook and get more of a reaction to a picture of their mani-pedi.
    You want someone to actually read what you have to say?
    Head someplace where people write, not text.

    my wife attempted suicide five times over two years. I could often see things coming, not really being able to act upon them until they stepped into the real world.
    One night, the last day of the work year for my wife (she was a teacher) and a flurry of last-minute paperwork that was handed out three days earlier. Then the panic stricken calls from the Supervisors saying they needed the paperwork before the close of the school year.
    NOBODY, as in NONE of the teachers in my wife’s program had their paperwork completed. The Directors of the program couldn’t even tell them how to fill out the paperwork because THEY didn’t know.
    The Directors finally agreed to extend the due date till the following Monday.
    In other words – “your contracted work year is now over, we gave you three days to complete paperwork on all your students and that was not enough time for you to do it, so we will ALLOW YOU to work straight through the weekend for free to possibly finish the paperwork if you can, but don’t ask US how to do it. And if you DON’T have the paperwork done by Monday, you will need to keep working on it till it’s finished.”
    My wife had already buckled under much of the work-related pressures being piled on her and many other of the teachers, but my wife was dealing with Depression, Anxiety, PTSD and BPD.
    I left the house to go over to Raley’s and pick up something to barbecue. I told my wife that her contracted year was over, she was handed the paperwork way too late to complete it when the Directors needed it, and it was not her problem. As far as I was concerned, she could complete it if and when she chose.
    But she was in a turmoil over it all. She was not quite the Labor advocate I had been.
    She decided she would take one extra Xanax to take the edge off of things. She didn’t want to be short or edgy with me or the dogs.
    She went in the kitchen, grabbed a caffeine-free Coke, the bottle of Xanax and swallowed the bottle.
    It took no thought on her part.
    It was just that quick: open up the bottle for one, swallow all forty? fifty?
    Lucky I got back within ten minutes.

    Watching signs, knowing signs sometimes isn’t enough.
    Sometimes even knowing the triggers is not enough,
    It’s hard to tell when the threat is no longer there
    You’ve got to see things that aren’t visible, hear things that aren’t audible.
    And you absolutely need to remain open, non-judgmental and compassionate.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow thank you so much for reading my post and sharing your wife’s story with me. I agree with you about everything you said above and I’ve learned to be open, non judgmental and compassionate. And you are correct sometimes the warning signs and the triggers are not enough and my family and friends had to learn that the hard way.
      Sending positive vibes your way and thank you for being their for your wife. I know it is hard for loved ones to understand what someone with mental illnesses go through but I commend you for being there for her.


      1. @prodigal orphan, u r one of a kind! This is really an eye opener… I come from a part of the world..where mental health issues are not taking seriously in the few rare cases around…keep it up Phoenix 42013

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Thanks for the vulnerability. I have never committed suicide. But I did make. Plan once. My therapist doesn’t think I would ever commit suicide. But when I am manic I don’t know who I am or what I am capable of doing. When I am depressed I just don’t feel like living because there is no joy.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I agree when I am going through one of my episodes I lose touch with myself and am not aware of what I am fully capable of. I know how you feel and when you say there is not joy to life.
      Sending positive vibes your way -Phoenix.


  6. Pheonix, you are an amazingly strong soul, suicide….so misunderstood, and such an important topic,i’m reblogging ya, I want more people to see these words, just in case they recognise something in a friend, or a relative or a co worker, someone, anyone that in that moment needs help, but can’t ask for it. Keep looking forward xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Blossom thank you so much for kind words and encouragement. It means a lot to me that you shared this post with others. I can only help so many people so I thank you.


  7. Reblogged this on blossomsworld and commented:
    This is an amazing post, suicide is so misunderstood and as a society we desperately need to start opening our eyes and helping these people. Even If just one person, reads this and diverts to this amazingly open blog, and thinks, hold up i know someone that is acting this way, let me reach out to them, then it will be worth it. Xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Wow, you made a thorough list, I am actually jealous of your organizational skills. My first thought is this: Wow, what an awesome list. I hope she has loved ones that are actually reading it and are understanding and are willing to be observant of and compliant to the list.

    Personally, my extreme paranoia would preclude me from ever writing this list, even in a personal, hand-written journal, much less posting it online. I would be too afraid some bitch-ass enemy would seek to have me placed under a 72-hour coroner hold. Those are not fun.

    I am nearly 40 and have had suicidal ideations since I was a small child.

    I have had homicidal ideations since I was small. Not me committing homicide, but someone homiciding me….namely an unknown masked gunmen who kidnaps me, my stepmom and my little sister and makes step mom choose who he shoots dead, me or my sister….it’s always my sister…stepmom always picks my sister to live and me to be shot.

    Anyway…I have attempted suicide at least six times. The times I cut my wrists were cries for help, because God knows when I die, I don’t want to watch myself bleed to death…I just would prefer to go to sleep and never wake.

    There were about three real attempts. Two were with pills and I became ferociously sick, puking buckets of straight bile while my stepmom still made me go to school, secretly enjoying my misery and the third time SHOULD HAVE WORKED, but it didn’t.

    After the last time didn’t work, I stopped trying to kill myself.

    The reason I stopped was because that last attempt got me closer to death than I have ever been and I realized that, I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF DEATH and I am actually scared to force myself there if I’m not ready to go.

    I mean…what if it’s worse than where I am now? OMG. OMG. OMG.

    That thought is what keeps me alive today.

    Whether one believes in God, matters not. You must believe in the Laws of Nature/Laws of Physics. I can’t get out of gravity, and I can’t get out of The Law of Conservation of Energy, which states, “Energy can be neither created nor destroyed, IT CAN ONLY CHANGE FORM.”

    Even in the most maniacal mania and the most suicidal depressions, this knowledge keeps me alive.

    I hope it helps, you, too.

    I love you. Stay alive, please. Life is a bitch, but be a bigger, badder Bitch and kick that bitch’s ass.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I thank you so much for reading and I am 21 and have made 4 attempts…and hopefully in future years to come I do not make anymore attempts but like I said in my post I cannot predict the future or how I am going to feel tomorrow, next week, next month or next year. So I live everyday to the fullest.
      My last attempt was similar to yours I literally and know I touched and felt death but a small teeny tiny part of my came back to reality slowly but surely. I hope you continue to remain positive and know you are loved it seems like you got a great grip on life and faith.
      I love you too! -Phoenix.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. when i was suicidal i learned one thing that stuck with me
    i never want learn i was the last person who spoke to someone before they killed themselves

    and there were several people in my life that almost were

    once, having a tank of helium in my hands (for an oxygen replacement lab experiment) i ran into a friend in walmart

    he said ‘going to a party’

    i replied ‘something like that’

    fortunately for me i ran out or helium by the time i got everything worked out

    but i caution everyone i speak to about this to press a person you think might be at risk

    i can’t tell you how many people would ask me ‘howya doin’
    and having expected the question
    i had enough emotional defense to say
    but if they had lowered their voice, or put a hand on my shoulder, or made me look in their eye and asked me again- i could not have held it together

    i love the writing i’ve read so far on your blog

    stay safe

    it seems to me that once you’ve considered suicide, the option never really disappears from the menu

    at least that’s been my experience



    Liked by 1 person

  10. I know that there are a lot of comments here already, but I just want to tell you how glad I am that you wrote and posted this. For the many of us who don’t know you personally, we can apply it to others in our lives. And I do think it shows how much improvement you’ve seen (though really, May is such a short time ago). Thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post. It means a lot to me to share this with others.
      I do agree with you I’ve come a long way and made such great improvements since May.
      You are so welcome. -Phoenix.


  11. It is easier to take your life than to live it. I know, I have attempted it before and I think about it everyday. Lately I have only thought about it as a word and not something that I want to do. I have come close but I have always came around and got help. I understand how you feel and it is no fun to think that way. I have read a few comments about if you plan then you won’t go through with it and I agree. If you plan then you have time to change your mind and seek help. You have so much life to live, so much love to give and receive. There are people out here that are willing to help even if it is to lend an ear and listen to you. Seek out someone when you feel low and they will pick you up and help you on your way.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. This is amazing post that gives so much insight into comtemplating suicide. And reflects the personal experience, as opposed to having projected onto us what psychs think is happening. Only once did I set a date to take my life and it scared the hell out of me. But it lead to my GP prescribing seroquel, the medication that is keeping me from going down the suicide path. Can I please reblog this?

    Liked by 1 person

  13. My lifelong friend, so much more like a sister – the holder of my life-long secrets, there with me through every exciting new part of my life – as well as the most stupid things I’ve ever done. My protector, though she needed protecting, my childhood, my memories, my adulthood, my friend … jumped off a 6 story building during a 2 year period of time that I was refusing to speak to her due to some very poor decisions she was making in her life – and affected her children. I wasn’t angry at her, I just refused to be a part of the decisions she was making that I knew were going to ruin her life – a life that from the moment of her birth was filled with hardship and loneliness, yet after so many years of fighting for what she so greatly wanted, desired and needed, she was throwing it all away.

    I would have been the person she called if she thought she could reach out to me —- and I would have been the person that immediately ran to her side, dragged her out of the state she was – a state I had no knowledge of until after it was too late, carried her over my shoulder and gotten her out of her situation, into a facility to get help, taken care of her children during that time and gotten rid of the “problem” (with a boot) that she blindly welcomed into her life, that I knew would be “destruction.” This happened Jun 4, 2004 – I remember getting the call as if it were yesterday – I as in my car and nearly ran off the road. I had 24 hours to get airline tickets to fly up to NY (where I’m originally from) to attend my friend’s/sister’s funeral – with one of her daughters wrapped in one arm, and the other wrapped in my other arm. I said her eulogy, it wasn’t planned or pre-written, it was from my heart, as I stood facing so many people that showed up for this event, who had the knowledge I didn’t have, yet did nothing to help her – there for her now, but not when they should have been. My knees buckled, I wanted to jump into the open grave site with her – the thought of her being alone in there destroying me —- they finally had to pull me away. Upon returning to FL a week later – my boyfriend at the time said I came back different — a year later, he turned to me and said you were never the same since that day, you’ve changed.

    My friend, my sister, my life-long holder of secrets and memories found herself in a place of such darkness and pain,a feeling of alone – deprived, empty, void – a place that was so unbearable and incomprehensibly painful that her only freedom from it was to fly i the sky for a fleeing moment … knowing that this was the one attempt no one could stop (it was the middle of the night – no one knew she had left her apartment and taken the stairs up to the roof – 6 story building).

    The moral of me sharing this story that I do not share often, or with ease … is that in the place that she was in, she had no idea at all, none whatsoever, what her choice, the only choice she felt she had, would cause other’s to endure If she had know, had any knowledge of, the pain and drastically changed lives that would be created by the release of her own pain, there’s more than a good chance that I wouldn’t be sharing this story about her suicide … but instead, on the phone with her right now — I wouldn’t be worried sick, even all these years later and keeping a watchful eye out for her children – knowing the pain and chaos – what they were deprived and the loss they live with. I wouldn’t have shut down as I did 10 years ago – when darkness fell upon my life, and my heart – as she fell from that building. This is something that anyone who has ever attempted suicide, though of suicide or worries about possibly having to incur the possibility of being faced with the option again in the future needs to know, needs to hear, needs to care about. The people left behind, who love you, care about you, like you or merely known you – will be left with something broken within them – something that will plague them for the rest of their live. A piece of what is broken within the heart and thoughts of the person attempting suicide, is left broken in everyone they leave behind. It’s a chain reaction of the most horrific pain imaginable.

    As my heart will forever and eternally break and be filled with sorrow knowing that someone I loved so dearly was in so much chaos, pain and hopelessness – it also breaks for you and anyone else who has visited that place. But please – I beg of you, don’t think of this “scenario” as something that is only happening to you — because it’s not, Whatever harm you do to yourself – whatever life you think about taking from yourself – will forever break and scar every person you leave behind. If you can try, and I am more than sure when in that frame of mind and heart that the only thing it’s about is pain and yourself – but if you can at least try – just attempt it, to realize the life destroying, heartbreaking, changed forever reality that will be inflicted onto other’s should you even think about it again, you might (might) realize how not alone in anything you are … and how incredibly important you are – how needed and necessary you are – and even if you never consider it an option again, simply for the sake of sparing a life-long nightmare to other’s, in the end, it will be yourself you’re sparing as well.

    ((((((((((hugs))))))))))). ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I thank you so for me for opening up to me about your friend. I know those feelings and emotions all too well sad to say. My best friend and rock took her own life March of this year and I have not been the same since. her death her suicide triggered my severe depression and hopelessness. Now my outlook on life is different thanks to being hospitalized for a month. I am sending positive vibes, hugs, sunshine, and love your way!
      -Phoenix. ❤


  14. This deserves a reblog as it provides great insight into the thinking behind suicide and the interactions with others. The importance of someone who has been there rather than someone projecting onto us what they think.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Reblogged this on glenn2point0 and commented:
    This deserves a reblog as it provides great insight into the thinking behind suicide and the interactions with others. The importance of someone who has been there rather than someone projecting onto us what they think.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I think this post is AMAZING. It’s incredibly brave of you not only to be so open and raw, but to ask for, nay, demand help. More people need to see this so they understand that not everyone is the same, and that it’s not always obvious, and that there are things they can do (but also shouldn’t feel guilty if they missed the signs). Bravo.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Thank you for writing this difficult post. It seems like you know yourself very well and I hope you will find a way to rely on yourself as well, but it also seems you are surrounded by strong, caring people. You are lucky 🙂 I hope you feel strong at the moment. Keep fighting.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. I am in awe having read this post. I understand your suicidality so well, and one of my warning signs is getting more cerebral and less feeling. I hope that you find reasons to live. I hope I find reasons to live. It’s fucking hard being alive, and people who don’t struggle in ways we do, don’t get how hard it is to get through a day – yet we do. So, congratulations on another day alive, I hope you stick around to find out how it all turns out. I hope I do too.
    I keep wanting to make sure my son will be fine without me – he just graduated college and I promised myself that I would stay alive until he graduated, and if my life wasn’t better by now, I was free to go.
    It’s hard to read your pain, hard to know that I’m not the only one who feels this way, but it’s also helpful because as long as we keep sucking in air there’s hope. Hope is a bastard (or a bitch, I suppose), but I’ve gotten to experience some seriously amazing sunsets, flowers, trees, and even some kind connections with humans once in a while, and I’m grateful I didn’t miss those.
    Once we’re gone from this world, I hope there is nothing else. I don’t want to endure anything else. If it’s as we wish it, then it is either comforting, peaceful, and sweet with no douchebag motherfuckers allowed – no one from my abusive childhood & young adulthood – or it will be over & I will just be energy with no consciousness.
    Hang in there, and thanks for your post.

    Liked by 2 people

  19. I know you have heard it before, but wow, thank you for your honesty! Remarkable and so needed – honest, discourse about suicide ideation. Despite all you juggle, you find it within yourself to share information that could well save another’s life (& your own). Remarkable.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. You are an old soul. Sending you love, strength and support in the decades to come. Remember you are the mighty Phoenix, reborn to not only help yourself, but help others beautifully through your writing.

    I love being connected to you via the blog, and whenever I spot your gravatar liking another blogger’ s post, I am happy.

    Please be good to yourself as much as possible….one attempt is nightmarish enough – four attempts before you hit age 22 is unthinkable.

    I know the depths of despair from past suicidal ideation. And now we both will rise from the ashes, right? I’ll be thinking of you and greatly anticipate your upcoming blog posts. You are a teacher and a very special one at that!!! xoxo Dy

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Dy, thank you so much for the comment and kind words. You are not the first person to tell me I am an old soul, it is starting to grow on me. When I was hospitalized that is what all the patients referred to me as or the Phoenix.
      I will promise to be good to myself I know I can do that. Thanks for reading! -Phoenix

      Liked by 1 person

  21. Thank YOU sweetie! I love the image of the Phoenix – I live near a gorgeous place called Big Sur in California. In Big Sur there’s a restaurant called Nepenthe which sits high up on the the edge of a cliff overlooking the Pacific Ocean. It’s a stunning view. At Nepenthe’s entrance, which has been around for decades there’s an imposing wooden statue of the Phoenix and a fire pit.

    A film with Elizabeth Taylor & Richard Burton was shot there; in it Taylor played a hippie artist and Burton was a married priest who fell in love with her! – I think they danced around the Phoenix and there was a bonfire. Anyway, I used to drive down to Big Sur by myself and just hang out. I loved looking at that statue. One of my parents told me about the legend of the Phoenix and its rebirth & it just felt inspiring to be there.

    Here’s a link to a photo, but it doesn’t the statue justice. Maybe someday you’ll come out here and visit it! xoxooxoxoxooxoxoxox (((((hugs)))))



  22. Your honesty is very courageous. I can completely understand when you want to end it all…I’ve been there myself several times…including now. Your self awareness will help you through the rough times along with your friends and family. Good for you for reaching out to others when things are bad…that is a tough thing to do.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. You said, “This means that you can say or do one wrong thing to me and the solution that pops in my head immediately is suicide. Suicidal ideation is my biggest weakness.” I can so relate to this.


    1. Hi yes. It’s so hard to not take peoples word and comments to heart but due to the severity of my illness I am extremely sensitive to words and there are several things that set my triggers off and cause me to think ‘suicide’ right away. I feel better to have someone relate to how I feel every now and then. sending positive vibes your way -Phoenix


    1. Thank you for the kind remarks. yes, my followers and viewers and you are the best support group. Thank you for taking the time to not only read this post but comment as well. Sending positive vibes your way – Phoenix


  24. Well I will join my voice with the rest and say thanks on a great post. From the number of comments you can see that you are not alone. We are scared of the word ‘suicide’ because it creeps up on you without you asking it to and you never know when it is going to pounce and grab you and think it is the best idea in the world.


    1. You are absolutely correct. I just wrote a post on Suicide: Why it is so important to me that you might want to read whenever you have time. I know I am not alone. I want to be the voice of the ones who are struggling like me in hopes to save a life. Sending positive vibes your way – Phoenix


  25. This is amazing! It’s so important not only for others to recognize the changes in you, but for you to see it yourself.


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