The Rebirth – Stage II: Reconnection

July 10, 2014  9:55 AM

I am happy to say The Rebirth- Stage I is underway and my self-esteem is growing despite my most recent relapse. Now it is time to begin Stage II in the process. I’d like to call the next phase of my rebirth: reconnection. My goal here is to reconnect with 3 things:

  1. Myself
  2. People
  3. Life

Of course, in that order. I cannot reconnect with my life until I re-get-to-know myself because there have been some new additions to my life. Some of the new additions include mental illness diagnosis, change in self-image, and medications. I will walk you through how I plan to reconnect with the three subsets listed above and the areas where I am going to need support from you, family, and especially my friends (support team).

  1. RECONNECT WITH SELF:  Nobody knows yourself better than you do; not even your significant other. So what do I want to get from this ‘self-connection’? Inner peace with myself and the situations that are going on in my life is the main outcome. I want to feel energized, something that is a challenge for me due to the severe depression but when I say “energized” I am not referring to ‘the Pink Energizer bunny’ who wants to run on high speed all day long. No! Energized!  The action and inner feeling of being enthusiastic in myself and the work I do.  Prime example, blogging everyday for me makes me feel ‘energized’ requires to little to no effort but I feel at peace. In this reconnection with self process I also want to feel secure in what I do for enjoyment or relaxation. I want to become one with myself and feel protected in doing so.  Here is what I plan to do to reconnect with myself:
  •  APPRECIATE SILENCE & SPEND TIME IN IT! – Yes, silence. Pure quietness and elimination from all distractions including, the Tube, computer/laptop, game stations, books/newspapers/articles, and people. Just sit in silence  and listen to my heart beat and my breath. In doing so, I hope to connect with the present and the fact that I am alive; I am here living in a healthy body. Now of course with silence comes thinking which can lead to getting into your head and stirring up thoughts: good or bad. And this is okay…if you are not thinking then there may be a problem. As I spend time in silence I want to connect with those lost thoughts pertaining to humor or animals that I just never take the time to think about because I tend to focus on ‘how to get through this day knowing I have triggers, bipolar, ADHD, depression, Autism, etc. etc. ‘ Take this time to focus on the obscure.
  • BECOME ONE WITH NATURE! – There is life all around us. From the tiniest seed in the dirt to the giraffe standing above us, life is every where. Now, I do not know about you but I am not a nature kinda gal. However, I want to be able to appreciate my life which I am living for a purpose. What better way to connect with your inner self than becoming one with nature. This can range from taking a hike through one of the highest mountains, watching the sun set or rise, visit the zoo, sit and roll around in the grass or make eye contact with a bee (please, be careful and try not to get stung!). I want to connect my life and growth through nature and use it as a source to develop my inner happiness and appreciation for my life.
  • LIBERATE THOSE FEELINGS! – Break loose from the feelings that consume you. I tend to keep my feelings inside until I build them to the highest level and finally I explode. Not this time around. I want to release my  inner feelings in order to get to my inner self. I view built up feelings and emotions as a “clog” in my system which causes discomfort and irritability. And, I do not want that. I want to be free and not have an extra burden on my shoulder. So, I plan to release these feelings one by one, as they come until I’ve reached that equilibrium state with myself. [I am an engineering major Student so I just had to throw in the word ‘equilibrium’ please, bear with me!] Releasing those feelings can be in the form of telling someone, writing it down, self – talk, or through a fun activity whatever seems best to me or you.

Time to ACCEPT self: myself!

  1. RECONNECT WITH PEOPLE: People! A small part of me is deathly afraid to reconnect with people again after what happened and being hospitalized. I am afraid of others judging me, talking about me, and calling me out of my name. I am afraid that my mental illness will sneak up from under the covers and reveal itself to the people around me and they will walk away. But I cannot continue to be afraid and confine myself in this bubble anymore. No! I accept my illness and I accept who I am. So why should I continue to hide something that is apart of me now? Exactly. If you cannot accept my illness than you most certainly do not deserve me in your life. So please step aside if you are not willing to get to know me. When I reconnect with people, I want to be me and not feel like I have to walk on eggshells to hide a small part of me. I want to be open with others and gain their trust.
  • GENEROSITY! – I believe and know for a fact I am a genuine person. As I begin to reconnect with people, I want to spread the generosity; be open with them in hopes that they, too, will be open with me. I want to show concern for them as well in hopes that they will express concern for my well being too.
  • ATTENTION! ALL EYES ON YOU! – That’s right all eyes on you, not me. The biggest thing I tend to do with people is throw them under the bus and push them away when something stormy happens in the relationship. Unfortunately, this is why I have lost some tremendously good people in my life all because I did not pay much attention to them. ( I let the BPD get to me). This time around I plan to be in control of my actions when it comes to developing relationships with other people and making sure that I give them the love, support, and attention they need too. Because in reality, honey, it is not all about me. And there have been times when I wanted the world to stop and have everyone look at me. When people tell me they ‘love me’ and ‘care about me’ I need to be open and convince myself that yes, they really do mean it and not question what they are telling me. I plan to invest time in getting to know others for who they are too and not just dish out my entire life story on the first date or hang-out session with them. It is time for me to shut up and listen!
  • RESPECT THE SPACE!- Yes, space. I need to give others their space. I tend to be so pushy it is unbelievable I should have been a “push pop” or something. Anyways, if I want to reconnect with other people and want them to get to know me and be my friend I need to give them their space as well and know that if they genuinely like me they will come around. I just need to have faith in the other person.

Let others have some CONTROL, but do not let them be in CONTROL of you.

  1. RECONNECT WITH LIFE: Finally, the most important thing: life. I need and want to reconnect with my life. I feel like I am just living life in order to get through the day but not truly appreciating it. This is all going to change. I plan to reconnect with my life by having fun, lighten-up a little, and reassess my priorities: what exactly is important to me in this life?
  • ENJOY THE SIMPLE & LITTLE THINGS! – That’s right. I need to enjoy the little things and the finer things in life.
  • SIMPLIFY LIFE! – I am a complicated individual and with that comes a complicated life. I love to simplify equations, but I can barely simplify my life. I plan to live my life the way I want to live it. I need to not make things harder on myself and avoid stressful situations. I need to learn that it is okay to sit back, relax, and take things easy & take a break from things. Try not to dwell on major life events.
  • CREATE A MANTRA & LIVE BY IT! – The best way to reconnect with my life is to own it. What better way to own something than create a saying, a mantra, to define it. It is my life and I am in control of what happens in it. Some mantras I plan to use are: “I am in control” “This is my life and I am living it now” “My illness will not define me” etc. What is your life mantra?

Life is a gift, it is my present, I plan to unwrap it the way I choose to unwrap it and share it with those I want to share it with.

I am excited to reconnect with myself, life, and people. Of course, I can only handle so much at the moment; I plan to focus on each subset one at a time and spend a month or two or however long I feel is necessary until I feel comfortable moving onto the next subset.

I am ready to rise from the burning ashes of old connections; time to make new connections.

 

 

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10 thoughts on “The Rebirth – Stage II: Reconnection”

  1. Now, take this as coming from someone who knows a little bit about this process (I do)…

    It’s excellent that you’re fired up! However (!) you have a very long list of stuff right there. Accomplishing one of them will be excellent work. Trying all of that, all at once will be impossible and lead to confusion and befuddlement.

    Until those individual things can become the normal way you live you will continue to revert back to your old behavior, to what you’re used to. If that were my list, I’d break it down into chunks that I could work on one month at a time. It’ll be more rewarding for you that way. Good luck and stay fired up but remember… We don’t do roller coasters well. Our highs are too high and our lows SUCK. Instead, shoot for nice, easy rolling hills. 😎

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for the excellent advice and comment. I agree it is impossibly to do all of the above at once. Right now I am starting with myself and reconnecting with myself is going to take awhile before I am able to interact with people on a 1:1 basis. I can only handle and do so much at the moment and focusing on myself is the #1 priority at the moment. Like you said I am breaking it into parts (something I should have mentioned in the post and might edit and add that )
      Thanks for reading and yes I do plan to shoot for the easy rolling hills.
      -Phoenix

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  2. Indeed that is a big list. Prioritise. Connecting with others for me was critical as the loneliness was really screwing me up. I tell people up front what I have been through and how I am rebuilding my life. That usually covers the awkward “so what do you do for work?” and I move on from there. I have found that people tend not to dwell on my BiPolar, as I no longer do, and we just talk about the things we have in common. Joining various meetup.com groups has been great for me in this respect as I know I have something in common from the onset. And curiously, in one of the groups there are half a dozen other who have mental health and other health issues. Overcoming that isolation obstacle opens up a whole range of opportunities.
    Good luck with it all!

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  3. I wish you all the best on your journey!
    I need to learn to sit with silence as well. But I’m still too afraid to do so. I can’t trust my own thoughts, they tell lies, they tell me that people have other motives, and that I’m not doing as well as others perceive. How will you go about doing it? Will you set a timeframe?

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    1. Thank you for the wishes.
      Yes I do have a plan of action and a timeframe. Being in the hospital for a month and 2 weeks allowed me to get to truly know and understand myself to the fullest being in an unknown safe environment away from the outside world. So that stage is already completed for me and I took notes on my behaviors, actions I made a list of thing I like about myself, dislike and love too to look back and refer in that moments when I think I am a no good person ya know? That took a month and a couple of weeks but I still use each day to continue to get to know myself so that stage is not fully over and probably will be a continuous thing since people change day to day.
      Now middle of July ive started to reconnect with my friends from school and people that I met from the hospital. I am trying to stay calm and avoid pouring out where I’ve been what I did etc. Having a normal convo and hanging out like old times just now I am being more positive and trying to control the inner Deebie Downer. SO far it is going well as I’ve only connected with 8 of my closed friends. I plan to reconnect with people for a good while maybe like 2-3 months.
      Then I will reconnect with life through those people with an addition 2 months. Again this something I am not trying to set in stone because life is unpredictable and anything can happen in a day to set me back a step so I am going with the flow while having this timeframe in the back of head.

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    1. Yes tactic for the unwanted thoughts great question as this has already happen. I try to let the thought fully roll through and then I try to make a joke or change the negative words like “can’t’ into something affirmative and move on from there. Surprisingly it has worked and I think it is because I am in that stage of positive reinforcement which took a while for me do and hospitalized definitely helped with that. I hope all this helps with you questions which I great appreciate!
      -Phoenix

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  4. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with all us. Your posts are so raw and genuine. I understand and sympathise and truly admire your bravery for what you’re doing.

    Please find the strength to continue this beautiful blog – you’re reaching out to many who need it 😊

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  5. I “enjoy” reading your blog very much! It’s such a relief not being alone. I saw you been reading mine too, and I hope we can share some tips to help survive and learn from each other. My psychologist always reminds me it is okay to fail. Don’t be too harsh to yourself and put to much pressure on yourself. I admire you for what you have achieved!

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    1. Thank you so much for stopping by and taking the time to read this entry. You have no idea how much it means to me to have others relate to how I feel. And I agree with you psychologist “it is okay to fail” and with that it is also okay to have a downfall, just do not let that downfall keep us down.
      Sending positive vibes your way – Phoenix

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