Suicide: Why is it so important to me?

July 15th, 2014  10:19 AM

Suicide. Yes I said it. The one word almost everyone dreads to hear, think, or even talk about. But why? I am sure there are several reasons, even personal reasons, as to why people do not want to talk about suicide. Stigma is the common denominator between almost all the reasons one can think of. Yes, stigma. The annoying little voice who says, “you are a disgrace to feel, think, and behave the way you do because of anxiety, depression, ADHD, ADD, bipolar, depression, personality disorders, schizophrenia  etc.” This tiny voice actually speaks in a pretty loud voice for everyone to hear. And you know what? Its voice is so loud to the point where several people will stop and take the time to listen to the “stigma”.  I am not going to be a hypocrite here because there was a point in time when I used to listen to the “stigma” which is why I ignored my mental illness for several years.  So what was the “stigma” actually telling me?” Here are some words that I’ve heard from the “stigma” :

  • You are a Christian, you were raised in a Christian household, therefore if you commit suicide you will go to Hell and God will condemn you.  You are a sinner. Your family will disown you if you take your life.
  • You should be ashamed of yourself for even thinking ‘suicide’. You are weak, a true disgrace, and filthy.
  • Shut your mouth. You better not speak up about what is on your mind and stop crying! Do not say a word about how depressed you are feeling today to the point you want to commit suicide. You know the people around you are not going to believe you.
  • So you want help? You do not need ‘help’.  You better self-medicate or move on from the depressed, hopeless, loneliness feelings.

The list goes on and on.  At the age of 14 I started to obsess about suicide and suicidal thoughts/ideation. I became so obsessed to the point where I felt so comfortable speaking about suicide openly to close friends. Now of course this scared my friends greatly but it did not bother me one bit. The stories I read, I could relate to the feeling and pain of the characters. Then I learned about “suicidal threats” from a non – fiction book and started to use suicidal threats as a way to get people’s attention; essentially a cry for help and that I am truly hurting on the inside and need to be wanted, cared for, and loved.

Of course, the “suicidal threats” were not taken seriously and this made me mad, furious. So what did I do? I started to act out my threats and bring them to life as yet, another silent cry for help, attention, love, care  etc. This worked. But my parents tried to ignore the fact that their first daughter really did need professional help. I got the help I needed but there was still a miniscule part of me and my brain that just wanted to ‘suicide’. Yes this seems odd and like my psychiatrist puts it, there is a part of me that enjoys the methodology behind suicide because I can mentally and physically relate to the inner pain that causes such action. I’ve become so prone to the thoughts and feelings of suicide that I no longer show emotion towards the word. In other words, I tend to now smile get excited, and laugh openly when I talk about suicide and to others they find this offensive, weird, and crazy. I am currently working with my therapist to look deeper into why I am doing this and positive mechanisms/ tactics to use when such thoughts and feeling arise.

As most of you know my best friend recently committed suicide and you are probably wondering how I reacted to the news if suicide is greatly important to me. The day I found out she ‘suicide’ I completely shut down; loss significant touch with myself and my life.  I experienced the same natural grief anyone experiences during a significant loss of a loved one. I cried for hours, for days, for months because I lost someone who meant so much to me to something that is genuinely  important to me. I am not going to lie but a part of me was (somewhat still is)  jealous that she successfully ‘suicide’ and I’ve always failed.  Sounds terrible and sick right? Yes I know and I am aware of my thoughts but this is how my mind operates.

Why is suicide so important to me? Suicide is important to me because I feel like I am still a burden to the world, my family, and friends with everything that is going on with me. I feel like I am not retaining  and listening to the help I am receiving; I am not believing that my medications are truly working even when I feel happy, stable, and good.  In all honesty, there is a small part, probably around 15%, that just does not want to go on with life; does not want to deal with the rejection, anticipation, and all of the things we have to experience in life to learn what life is truly all about.

This 15% throws all the love, the care , the appreciation I get from family and friends out the door and focus on trying to make sense of what the world would be like if I was no longer physically in it anymore.

This 15% wants to say goodbye to the things  that I have difficulty doing like making friends, keeping a stable relationship with others, being happy in the things I enjoy doing, academics, etc.

This 15% does not want to return to and finish some of the most important things I’ve started because I am afraid of failure i.e. completing my Bachelors Degree in Chemical Engineering.

So what is the 85% doing? Living and appreciating the gift of life. The 85% is thankful for getting a second chance at life that many people do not get if they attempt suicide and it successfully happens. The 85% wants to seek help and be open about the feelings, and thoughts that come up in the middle of the night. The 85% wants to be strong and fight the stigma and show the world that yes, I can and will graduate with my Bachelors in Chemical Engineering despite the fact I have Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

The 85% recognizes the true purpose of life and what my passion is and the goals I want to achieve one day. I know one day I am going to speak at mental health conferences and share my story; I know that I am going to write and publish a book about my story; I know one day I am going to find true love and get married to someone who supports my illness and loves me for me.

The 85% recognizes the importance of psychotherapy and taking medication. I know and truly do believe my Viibryd and Seroquel are working to make me feel happier, stable, energized, and alert. I know that there are people out there who care and love me and want to be there for me. With that being said I will let them in and let them stay and lean on them.

Will the 85% increase and the 15% decrease? I honestly do not know. But what I do know is that I do believe in myself and love myself for who I am that I can recognize when I am getting ready to experience a downfall and suicidal thoughts/ideation. In that moment I know I have support people to go to and a hotline number to call. I know that I am not embarrassed to think, say, and feel the way I do because it is not my fault; it is not my fault I have MDD and BPD, it is not my fault I have a chemical imbalance. I love every second of my life right now; every single breath that I comes out; every step; every word I say everyday.

Even though suicide is still important to me, I am not going to let it stop me from getting the help I know I need or cause me to avoid taking my medication; I am going to rise above the 15% that still wants to pull me down and break me. I am in control of my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors; not the ‘suicide’.

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60 thoughts on “Suicide: Why is it so important to me?”

  1. The odds are so in your favor, in favor of life. I think it’s smart to recognize the 15% is there, but not to give it MORE than it deserves – exactly 15%. You may always get into the idea of suicide – the planning, what you believe the aftermath might be, etc. As long as you can talk about this, and not act on it, though, I think your 85% will be in control which is as it should be. I have very little suicidal ideation any more, but I’m older than you I suspect and that may be one of the reasons why. But I understand the romance of non-existence – the idea of perfect peace. It can be overwhelming, if we let it be. Today you are allowing life in with all its messiness and mystery. Good for you! Laura

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for taking the time to comment. I do agree with everything you said above. I do plan and will only give it 15% nothing more than that. My therapist said it is going to take time and growth until my suicidal ideation starts to dwindle . Im in so deep due to that I never got help earlier and recognizing that I was truly obsessed with suicide. But like you said I am going to allow life in! Thanks for your support – Phoenix

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  2. This is wonderful. I can relate, although I never talked about it or attempted, it was constantly on my mind years ago. My fight was major depression and anxiety. The only thing that kept me from suicide was I heard there’s no forgiveness for it, and I felt terrible thinking about doing that to my family. That is debatable, but thankfully there’s hope For us who have these struggles and maybe one of the many reasons you’re here is to help others who struggle with it and point them toward the love of Christ.

    You’re an inspiration, keep on truckin.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am so touched by your kind words and comment. I cannot thank you enough for reading this post and taking the time to comment with such hope and inspiration. Thank you for giving me hope. Sending positive vibes and a huge your way – Phoenix

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  3. While I feel sorry for you that you needed to use suicide for attention, it really angers me that you did. There are times when I am so beside myself with depression that I don’t think I’m GOOD enough for suicide: that I need to live in my dark little abyss in suffering and misery because I am worthless and unloveable and unwanted. And when I finally do get the courage to stand up and admit: I want to die. I want to end my suffering. Killing myself is the only way I see to end this, people look and treat me like I want attention. I don’t have the luxury of “attempting” suicide because I have a family that depends on me to be happy and healthy. I do not want my family going on without me, so I have to ask REPEATEDLY for help. I call the cops on myself, I walk twenty miles to the hospital: ANYTHING I can do to help myself because nobody else will because too many people are claiming they’re “suicidal” because they want attention.

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    1. Right I completely understand how you feel and I do apologize that what I said angered you. As a teenager that’s what was going through my head. It no longer became a cry for attention when I started to carry about those suicidal thoughts and try several times different ways to kill myself. I thank you for sharing a part of yourself with me to gain insight that what I did was wrong of course but there is hope. I commend you for getting help when nobody else encouraged you too. Now I know where the help is and how to get there. I agree with you and know how you feel when you said “I am not good for suicide” because I thought the exact same things before. Again I am sorry that this post angered you it was not my intention. I hope you continue to seek help as I do the same for myself.
      Sending positive vibes your way – Phoenix

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      1. I’ll admit, it brought me to tears. You wouldn’t believe the stigma I have to deal with any way from having “invisible disorders” like schizoaffective disorder, dissociative identity disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, post traumatic stress disorder and anxiety. And to know that others “pretend” to just feel that way to get someone to pay attention to them just breaks me to pieces. But like, I’m glad you don’t do that any more. My first suicide attempt was at eight.

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      2. Again I am greatly sorry for that and feel terrible for saying that. But at the age I started to deal with suicidal thoughts I did not know how to deal with it appropriately and the things I told me differently. I have to admit in this hour I feel terrible sadden to have caused you to break down in tears and you comment has triggered thoughts in this hour for me. I only posted this in order to help others and find peace within myself knowing that I’ve failed to do so makes me deeply discouraged and sadden to move forward. Thank you for kind and honest comments – Phoenix

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      3. May I shouldn’t have said “pretended to feel that way to get attention” I just didnt know how to deal with it at the age. But as I said before you definitely triggered a lot in your comment and now I don’t really have the hope to go one any longer. I do appreciate you honesty. Thank you again – Phoenix

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      4. It is okay to be honest with me and tell me you are not truly glad that I no longer do that or that I shouldn’t be alive it is okay to tell me that too. I appreciate all honesty thank you – Phoenix

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      5. Honestly, it helps that I know that you did it. I don’t know how to word this other than this so please don’t think I’m like trying to be a shit head or anything but it honestly makes me feel sorry for you. You wanted attention so bad that you thought that was your answer. It speaks volumes. And you and are just the same because my suicidal urges come from not feeling loved, wanted, accepted, and I guess in the end yes I want attention, but more so I wanted to be loved. And I was taught that I wasn’t worthy of being loved, from a very early age. I’m glad you posted that, so that others like me can hear someone ACTUALLY ADMIT it because THAT takes a lot of courage. I just wanted to let you know the other side of the story; the people who don’t get the help they need because of people thinking they want attention. You can agree with me here, a lot of people assume if you say “I want to kill myself” other people don’t think twice about it. Suicide is glorified in Hollywood and gives young adults the idea that if they say they’re going to kill themselves people will rush to their aide and that’s simply not the case.

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      6. Yes I can agree with everything you said above and can remember all those times as a teenager when I was told I was not loved because I was too depressing to be around and I could not help how I feel but hide those feelings to get by. You reassured me just now I am not alone . Thank you – Phoenix

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  4. I thought a lot about this post today and turned to my alcoholism for the response…the two are actually a lot alike – one way or another it’s about killing yourself. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly as the saying goes.

    Sunshine, you have to let go of the dark to bask in the light. I used to romanticize death by alcohol. I often picked out my tree on the way home but I was too chicken to hit the gas. This is exactly what you’re doing with your friend’s death. You put this romantic spin on thoughts of your death, that other people will mourn you like you did your friend… That’s what I did.

    Then I realized that they wouldn’t mourn me, only the sick ones would, for a day or two before they found their bottle again. The people I really cared about would be relieved because I was a freaking tornado in their lives. I was a selfish and self-centered bastard, there’s just no pretty way around it.

    You want to get better? Get out of yourself and help others to recover from what haunts you. Get out of yourself.

    85/15? You’re lucky. I was 51/49 but that was enough. Your friend was 49/51.

    Be well and let go of the desire to be the tornado. I can tell you from experience, the light is glorious once you let it wash over you.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I know exactly what you mean by 51/49 I was this ratio couple months ago. I am trying my best to come out of the darkness and move on but sometimes there is a true soft spot still there that tries to take over my mind, of course I do not let it consume me but I know if I am not careful it will. I believe you are right (even though I think I am trying to convince myself not too) but you are right in the matter that I am using her death as a factor to keep me locked into romanticizing about my death. Something I plan to bring up this week at my next therapy session so thank you for bringing this up.
      Sending positive vibes your way and continue to be strong and beat alcoholism you Sir are my inspiration to continue to move forward and ‘let the glorious light in and wash over me’. Thank you – Phoenix

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      1. Sweet! I was a little worried that my comment might upset you. I know that voice and because I’m no fan of big government I like to refer to it (them in my case) as the committee. I view that negative part of my psyche that way so I can treat it like the garbage it brings to the table in my melon. My two favorite words for the committee are “f@€k” and “you” (shut up works too). Give it a try – and congrats on that 85/15 ratio… That is absolutely spectacular.

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  5. I just started to follow you and I want to say that I am sorry for the loss of your best friend. I suffer from MDD and PTSD and I think of suicide everyday. Even the days that I am happy and loving life it still creeps in and rears it’s ugly head.

    I think you are a very courageous person for coming to grips with your problem. I recently made a isn’t to not let my illness run my life and I am no longer ashamed of it. You give people like me hope for a better future.

    Keep up the good work and keep being an inspiration.

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    1. Thank you so much for the kind comment and taking the time to read this post. It makes me feel better to know I am not alone. I feel even better to have and find the courage to open up to you all about I how I truly feel. I am not perfect and I agree with you suicide still creeps in even on those happy-go-lucky days.
      Again I thank you for instilling hope in my life Sending positive vibes your way – Phoenix

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  6. Phoenix, I want to thank you for throwing your guts on the ground for everyone to see. You learned many of the “reasons”, I didn’t learn them as a teenager. I can’t tell you how many attempts I made. In my adult life suicide has entered my life, my father committed suicide in 1992. I have Bipolar Disorder and spend most of the time on the depressed side. When suicide enters my mind now, I know how far down I am. Sometimes I raise my hand right away others may take a couple of weeks. This year alone I feel into complete darkness, I started shredding my journals and working on a new 100% plan. When I scare myself it’s time to tell my husband and call my Psychiatrist. My reasons as a teenager were cry’s for help, help from abuse I couldn’t tell anyone about. I am Treatment Resistant and need ECT when I fall that low. It works much quicker than any drug. Over the past 15 years I’ve had approx. 20 treatments. I’m blessed to know when I’m scared, it’s time. I can relate to you’re post. I still have a fear of failure and it keeps me in the house much of the time. I’m 51 yrs. old in a couple of days and I’m a survivor in ever way, some feelings may not go away. You’re a survivor, you get up again to manage your mental illness day after day. Some days are very hard and it takes someone strong like yourself to get up. I understand why the comments were made, please don’t let anything stop you from sharing your story honestly. Even negative feelings can help the reader grow. You handled the negative comments with a positive attitude. Have a great day. 🙂

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    1. It is followers and viewers like you who give me a sense of hope thank you so much for the positive insight and comment. I am 21 years old and I appreciate hearing stories from survivors who are much wiser than I. Thank you for giving me the hope and courage to carry on.

      I speak up for the ones who cannot. I speak up because I know I can and I am comfortable with sharing. I speak up in hopes to save a life.

      Sending positive vibes your way – Phoenix

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      1. You’re doing a great job by speaking from the heart and experiences. Having a Mental Illness is a lifetime of work. It can get worse as you get my age and up. We can support each other and hopefully teach a few along the way by blogging. 🙂

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  7. I find it curious that you say it was stigma that prevented you from getting help. For me, it was the lack of insight to even realise that I needed help. I did not see for decades that the abnormal behaviours, thoughts and perceptions were ruining my life. My delusions also prevented me getting the help I needed physical health issues too. I blamed stigma for a while but have come to realise that I was not in denial, I was simply delusional.
    I told my mother yesterday that I saw my doctor and have added a new medication, epilim, into my treatment. She cried and said “you are not going to kill yourself are you?”. Of course, I responded with a resounding “no” and reassured her that the meds were working and that it was a good thing that I sought more medication when feeling depressed. But there is always that niggling doubt in the back of my mind that death would be better, the way out of all the obstacles to a happy and successful life. But I am not going to put my 79 year old mother through those thoughts. I don’t think I will act on them. Over the weekend I had a bad time with the Meniere’s playing up and I thought for a while I was going to die, it was that bad. But I did not want to die. I tried to contain my thoughts in terms of what I was going through and thought that the attack would pass. It took many hours, but it did eventually pass.
    Mental illness gives us much to deal with and I wonder whether, even those who are “happy”, always have that nagging doubt in the back of their mind?
    I am very curious to know if other do experience this and whether it is just part of being mentally ill, even when the medication is working?
    Thanks for sharing and good luck to you. Don;t let the 15% win!

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    1. Gleen2point0 I thank you so much for taking the time and commenting. You words mean so much to me especially the fact mentioning how if you took life the impact it would have your mother. You just made me think about my 77 year old grandmother who I love to pieces and how it would destroy her to see her first granddaughter buried before her. So I thank you and I will NOT let the 15% get to me. I posted this in hopes for others suffering to silence to eventually speak up because it is okay. I wonder if I am truly the only out in the world who thinks way even while I am taking medication. Something I will never know but I will do my best to speak up for the ones who can’t in hopes to save a life. – Phoenix

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  8. Always remember the feeling of losing someone you loved in such a way, and how you would never want to do that to the people who love and care about you. I know how you feel, my life is messed up, I’m not where I want to be. Almost every day is a struggle, and I am going to have to work really hard to get myself out of this hole I am in. Do I want to give up sometimes? Yes. I have thought about it. Sometimes I wonder, what would it be like if I just drove off this bridge? Or into a tree…or… I don’t know if normal people think those thoughts, but I have them. The only thing I have is my loved ones; friends, family, and my dog. They keep me tethered, they keep me fighting. I’m glad you are seeing someone who is helping you. A lot of people are too afraid to take that step, but it can be so helpful and encouraging. You take care as always 🙂 ❤

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words and advice. I really do appreciate it. I know the feeling and thoughts you stated about wanting to drive into a tree or off of bridge. I can relate. Yes I am taking care of myself and my mental health. I am paying close attention to these feelings and I can’t wait to see my therapist on Thursday to talk about this recurring thoughts again since my hospitalization discharge in June. Sending positive vibes your way – Phoenix 🙂 ❤

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  9. I feel the same way. I have had three failed attempts (in which I thank god that I am still here) and I feel the same as you do. I wish the thoughts and feelings would go away but we are not that lucky. We were cursed with an illness that makes us different and that people can’t understand. People think I want a pity party but that is so far from the truth. Thank you for sharing and making me feel a little less crazy.

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    1. Hi! Thank you so much for sharing and being able to relate to me through this tragic piece. I can completely relate to when yous aid “people thought I was throwing a pity party”. I will never forget the time when I was like 16 I was in class and told my friend “hey I am going to kill myself tonight” and she said “you are so not serious”. I went to the bathroom and cut myself using a scissor came back to the class with blood stains on my shirt and she finally understood what I was going through. I comtemplate suicide every now and then and at my therapy session tomorrow I am going to open up and discuss why these thoughts are still haunting me while I am in treatment and taking medication because I really want to be at peace you know. But I am glad I was able to make you feel a “little less crazy”. Sending positive vibes your way – Phoenix

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  10. Also I forgot to mention I used to contemplate suicide all the time but now I never ever consider it anymore because of the personal growth I have been through while dealing with being bipolar. There is hope so don’t give up

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  11. Given the combo of my seemingly “cocky” personality + a rather privileged upbringing, depression and all of its symptoms are regarded as me not trying “hard” enough, me thinking I’m “better” than other ppl and therefore unable to cope with (real or imagined) failure. Therefore, considering suicide is just a consequence of being spoiled. When I was first diagnosed with depression 7 years ago, an acquaintance said straight to my face that I just wanted more attention, because my life –according to her– was perfect. I’ve rarely admitted that, just as you describe, suicide has been a background noise since I was a teenager. It’s not our fault, and I’m certain that even if we struggle with carrying out a conventional life (e.g. Getting a career, work the rest of your life, get a family, live happily ever after), we have a different purpose I haven’t figured out yet. Mental illness has only made us stronger than “normal” ppl (even if we can’t see it), and there’s gotta be a good use to it.

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    1. I agree with you completely about everything you mentioned above. I thank you for taking the time to read my rambles on why suicide is so important to me even to this day and what I want to get out of my life to avoid attempting again. I agree with you it is not our fault and I feel like for me once I find true happiness in a job or career even a relationship with a guy I will find the TRUE and REAL meaning as to why my life is worth living. In the meantime I am still trying to figure it all out. Hopefully we can lean on each other. Sending positive vibes your way- Phoenix

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  12. I really hope that one day the 15% becomes 0%. You deserve pure happiness.

    As for the stigma of suicide is concerned, for me personally, when I attempted suicide, I never worried about the stigma. Never thought about it. Never attacked myself for wanting to die. Maybe that’s because it all happened so quickly. But after it. I felt a lot of stigma a lot of ‘you’re selfish’ ‘i can’t forgive you’ ‘you disgust me’ ‘why would you do this to me?’ and to be completely blunt it really really p***ed me off! Why would you shout at someone who just attempted suicide?! It’s disgusting. And for it being selfish, yes it is, it’s me in distress putting myself first because that is the only way I can find an escape. The stigma needs to change, people need to learn how to approach those who have attempted it and desired it. Because they are making things worse.

    I apologise about that rant there. It’s just what you were saying struck home with me.

    This post is very courageous and I’m so glad you posted it.
    All the best
    – Your Inner Happiness

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    1. Hi “my inner happiness”
      I thank you for taking the time to comment and share a part of you with me in the process. I really appreciate hearing from others how my posts has helped them in the healing process and they are able to relate. I agree with everything you said about regarding stigma associated with attempted suicide let alone committed suicide. I hope one day we can all work together to erase this stigma.
      Sending positive vibes your way- Phoenix

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  13. Go you! It takes so much courage to speak about suicide. I have regular battles against suicidal thoughts. I have grown to have techniques now to help me but I still always think in the back of my mind that it will kill me eventually.
    Thanks for liking my post, I look forward to reading more from you, great to not feel alone.
    Keep writing 🙂

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  14. You still have that 85% that wants to live because you have that that vital thing called ‘hope’. When you have lost that , and have lost any faith in something good happeningn in your future (if you saw a glimpse of my life you would understand) ,because every corner you turn, things get worse and worse and worse til every moment of just living and breathing is PAIN, then the only option is suicide, That’s where I’m at right now.
    You are lucky to only have 15% of your life that want to walk away from. I am sorry about your friend, and can sympathise as I lost a friend not through suicide but through my being ‘dismissed’ having found a new girlfriend, after our being practically siamese twins for over 10 yrs, we were so close and had only each other as friends for that entire time.

    It hurts like hell, and I have difficulty making friends and will not find anyone else, I know it. And men run from me like I have the plague so I can’t even look forward to a relationship.

    To be honest, I am, although I’m very sorry about the pain your friend’s death caused you, I will admit that I am just as ashamed to say that I’m jealous too, that your friend succeeded. It sounds awful but that’s the place i’ve been in, for over 2 yrs (but on and off I’ve had severe depression, suicidal thoughts, since i was 10 yrs old).

    Right now I’m racking my brain for the tallest buliding i can throw myself from, as that is the only option left to me. Pills and alcohol are not foolproof, neither is cutting my wrists. The only other option is a gun but it’s close to impossible to get one in my country.

    I’m glad you were able to get help and that your meds and therapy are working. i have had meds and therapy and nothing has worked. I also have no family to speak of and no friends.
    That’s not a life. I don’t smile more than once in a whole month on average. Try that and see how if feels and please don’t judge me too harshly on having writting such a depressing comment and that I am 100% committed to dying as soon as I find a foolproof way to do it, with no risk of failure. I wish you luck in your future recovery.

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    1. Your comment was real and honest and I really do appreciate you taking the time to share your insight on what I had to say about suicide. Your comment was not harsh; in a way I can definitely relate to every single word and feeling from guys running away from you like you are a plague to finding a foolproof way to commit suicide successfully I know exactly how you are feel. There are times where I feel like the meds work and then the next day here I am depressed and suicidal and it does not work. it is an on-going battle to find a common ground. I am sending all my love and positive vibes your way. Your comment reassured me that I am not alone. Thank you so much! – Phoenix

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  15. I think as happy as you are now, there are levels of relief that you can’t dream of yet. Its been nearly 10 years since my last suicidal attempt and I don’t even think about it anymore unless I am on a mental health blog or talking to somebody (like at therapist) about it to fill in my history.

    That being said, I know I am not totally out of depression either, and I look forward to the days to come. Most days I am not sad or melancholy, I just feel numb, or weighted, or on bad days dread centered around certain events when I’m struggling with depression. Its just taken another, lighter, form.

    I once had an ARNP that told me that because I was depressed as a child that that was as good as it was going to get and I could look forward to being tired, unmotivated, and largely depressed for the rest of my life because the medications don’t take everything away. Well, I’m happy to say that through medication and therapy I am doing a lot better than I was back then, when every day seemed to be a black cloud.

    Work on your suicidal ideation until it becomes 0%, but you might find you can still feel better even after that.

    Blessings,
    Theresa

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    1. Excellent advice Theresa and support that I definitely needed after writing and sharing this post. I do agree with you too I am not totally out of depression I still do have my episodes almost once a week. I am trying to fight the dark black cloud surrounding me in order to find the positives in life. I appreciate your support you definitely reassured me that I am not alone. -Phoenix

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  16. Such a brilliant post. I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend. More needs to be done to help people with no knowledge of mental health to realise that suicide and suicidal thoughts is just a part of our life. It’s a daily decision like brushing our teeth or picking out our clothes. Best of luck on your journey. I hope to be able to follow it more.

    Ellie x

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    1. Hi Ellie,

      Thank you so much for taking the time to read such a difficult blog post of mine. I am trying my best to help others acknowledge exactly what you said that is just a way of life and that sometimes it is out of control how we react and feel on a daily basis. I appreciate your comment and support – Phoenix

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      1. …hey.. its me again.. I hate to be such a wet blanket when everyone else agrees and is getting along so famously.. but if you can find the right meds, do enough therapy and internalize the tools.. there actually is a life out there with no suicidal ideation.. It SHOULDN’T be a decision every day like whether to brush your teeth.. I know right now it seems like this is forever, but it doesn’t have to be. I don’t think of suicide unless I’m telling my story and even then I’m not tempted at all.. There really is a level of wellness where suicide isn’t even thought about on a regular basis.. I know a lot of you will roll your eyes and think “well, that’s just find and dandy for you” but I’ve been there, chronically suicidal and attempted 3 times.. It was close to 10 years ago now.. I don’t remember when the change happened or how long it did, but it did. And I hope the same can happen for all of you. I remember once talking to my first prescriber and she asked me how I’d been as a child.. and I told her I’d been depressed and withdrawn.. and she told me that where I was was as good as it was going to get, because it was my nature/personality to be a certain level of depressed.. and she was wrong as well.. Don’t settle for just barely surviving.. scraping by.. Don’t settle.. there’s something more out there for you

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      1. It is my true honor! I’m looking forward to spending some more time reading your blog. I myself haven’t had much more than a thought about taking my own life. I mean sometimes I can feel like wasted space and air, but for the most part I’m pretty positive. (Then redbull always helps 🙂 ) I do have someone close in my life that suffers with suicide and like you wrote about suicide-threats. I think everyone can relate to you in some way and everyone benefits from your honesty. Thank you for that!!

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