July 21, 2014 12:31 PM
Thursday night I had dinner with a good friend of my mine and I shared my recent suicide attempt in May. At first I was hesitant to share what exactly happened, but she reassured me that she just wanted to listen and hear me speak. I talked for 2 hours sharing my insight into what led to my decision to take my life and she did an excellent job listening to every word I had to say. Half way through our conversation she noticed a change in my body language: I started to fidget, cry, and talk with my head down. She asked me, “There is something you are not telling me.” And she was right. I was hiding something; something huge, something that I have not told anyone but my therapist and psychiatrist. Deep down I was struggling to find the courage to tell her that I know I am not going to live a full life because I know that one day in the future I am going to attempt suicide again and whenever that day and time is, it will mark the end of what could have been a full life.
So I told her; I told her blatantly that I know I am not going to live a full life because I do see another attempt in the future, a successful attempt. I felt a huge relief and a heavy burden lifted off of my shoulder when I said those heartbreaking words. We sat in silence; she reached for my hand and squeezed it tightly and told me, “I am hurt to hear you say that, you truly just broke my heart. What can I do to help?” I cried. She did not cry; she remained strong on my behalf and asked me to tell her why I cannot see myself living a full life. I stopped crying and puckered up and started to speak 80 miles per hour; I poured my heart and soul out on the dinner table sharing something I locked away since my discharge.
I told her the following reasons why I know I am not going to live a full life. She did not judge me; she did not question my decisions, she was very open-minded and listened to me.
- My Depression is Too Much To Handle. Yes I am getting the help I need to control my depression: medication and psychotherapy. Together, both help create a stable mood and stable mentality however, not a day goes by where I do not have a severe depressive episode. It is starting to become overwhelming when I notice the changes in my mood and behavior and start to think suicidal thoughts. It’s as if my depression is slowly but surely starting to grow into a much bigger and darker cloud where my mind can no longer present a small ray of sunshine to break the storm. I know that I cannot only rely on the medication and psychotherapy to help alleviate the depression, I , too, must do my part as well. And I am trying so hard to get through those depressive episodes but all I can think of are the following: I am a useless burden on my parents, they are spending so much money on my therapy sessions and medication and I still having suicidal thoughts; everyone around me would be much better off if I was extinct , their life would be better without my presence to deal with a “psycho” like me.
- Hope, Is All Gone. I’ve lost all hope in myself and for my future. Yes, I do believe in myself and in my hopes and dreams but there is a small part of me that knows there is no hope for me to accomplish the things I want to do without something setting off my triggers or knowing that I cannot get the one thing I want to complete my life and make me whole: love, being in a relationship with a guy that truly loves and appreciates me for who I am despite the fact that I have major depressive disorder and borderline personality disorder. There is no “hope” for me to get married in the future because who in the world wants to date/marry someone like me who swims in depression and suicidal thoughts all the time. No one is going to want to date someone like me. Why? Because I am going to put them through hell if I actually follow through with my actions and take my life. And the last thing I want to do is hurt someone else. Besides being “in love” I honestly lost hope to accomplish my lifelong dream to become a University professor. I no longer have the hope to apply, get accepted into graduate school and earn my Ph.D in a subject area I truly love to study all because my hope is crushed by the severe depression.
- Fear & Frustration. I’ve had enough of trying to fight through my severe depressive episodes in order to thrive towards success and seeing the positive to live a prosperous life. Every time I try to convince myself the “good” my life has in store for me, something “negative” shows up like “I am not going to get a decent job or internship because my grade point average is well below the mean” or “This guy is not going to ask me out on a date because I am highly sensitive and psychotic.” These thoughts come in and out of my head throughout the day and I’ve come to the point where I just do not know how much longer I can take trying to deal with the unknown. This leaves me being afraid to face the future knowing that I may not be successful or happy because of my mental illness. As I’ve always said before I do not and will not let my mental illness define me in any shape or form but I am honestly afraid that one day I am going to let it take over my life and drive me to insanity where I want to take my life again. I am afraid that I am going to experience a tremendous heartbreak and the only thing that my soul is going to want to do is commit suicide because I’ve been hurt.
- Too Many Regrets To Deal With. Regrets are apart of life, however I am one to dwell on regrets from the past and let them consume me. There is a part me that just cannot live and move on from the regrets so I confine myself to the past. Some of my regrets are too much to bear and the only answer to get over those regrets is to simply take my life.
So what exactly am I going to do to try to convince myself that my life is worth living all the way to the end and accomplish my hopes and dreams?
First, the key thing I must have in my life in order to help create a stable outlook for my future is to surround myself with positive, uplifting, and encouraging people. One of my triggers are people who do not believe in the things I want to accomplish; if someone does not believe in me than I do not believe in myself and therefore I tend to withdraw myself from my goals and want to end my life.
I need support, care, and love. I need to be checked-in on whether it is daily, weekly, or monthly. I know I am not 2 years old but due to the current state I am in if no one checks in on me than my mind automatically translates that to “Nobody cares about me so why don’t I give them a reason to care by taking my life.” This does not make sense right? Exactly. But this is how I process and look at things. I know this is not normal and my therapist is doing an excellent job to help me recognize when those thoughts arise what to do and I am doing my best to fight the urge to take my life.
I have dreams and I have goals too, it is just going to take me a little harder to find the true reason to convince myself that I am normal and have the power just like everyone else to accomplish whatever my heart and soul desires.
If you know a loved one struggling with severe depression or a mental illness, please make sure you check in on them. Yes, everyone has a busy life with work, family, and life in general but you have no idea how much a simple phone call or even a text saying, “Hi, how are you. I just wanted to make sure you are okay today” can change someones demeanor or day in an instant.
My friends and family always say, “You know the phone works both ways.” And yes indeed that is true, but when someone, like myself, is severely depressed and going through an episode, we tend to throw all relevant people in our lives out the window and focus on the here and now. I make an effort to reach out to my friends and family when I know I am going through either a good or terrible moment to talk it out and get advice from them.
My goal for each day is to live the present day to the fullest and not to dwell on the fact that I have a mental illness. My goal in life is to be a voice for the ones out there who are struggling and to shed light on a difficult topic to discuss in today’s society: suicide.