Reasons Why I Know I Am Not Going To Live A Full Life.

July 21, 2014  12:31 PM

Thursday night I had dinner with a good friend of my mine and I shared my recent suicide attempt in May. At first I was hesitant to share what exactly happened, but she reassured me that she just wanted to listen and hear me speak. I talked for 2 hours sharing my insight into what led to my decision to take my life and she did an excellent job listening to every word I had to say. Half way through our conversation she noticed a change in my body language: I started to fidget, cry, and talk with my head down. She asked me, “There is something you are not telling me.” And she was right. I was hiding something; something huge, something that I have not told anyone but my therapist and psychiatrist. Deep down I was struggling to find the courage to tell her that I know I am not going to live a full life because I know that one day in the future I am going to attempt suicide again and whenever that day and time is, it will mark the end of what could have been a full life.

So I told her; I told her blatantly that I know I am not going to live a full life because I do see another attempt in the future, a successful attempt. I felt a huge relief and a heavy burden lifted off of my shoulder when I said those heartbreaking words. We sat in silence; she reached for my hand and squeezed it tightly and told me, “I am hurt to hear you say that, you truly just broke my heart. What can I do to help?” I cried. She did not cry; she remained strong on my behalf and asked me to tell her why I cannot see myself living a full life.  I stopped crying and puckered up and started to speak 80 miles per hour; I poured my heart and soul out on the dinner table sharing something I locked away since my discharge.

I told her the following reasons why I know I am not going to live a full life. She did not judge me; she did not question my decisions, she was very open-minded and listened to me.

  1. My Depression is Too Much To Handle.  Yes I am getting the help I need to control my depression: medication and psychotherapy. Together, both help create a stable mood and stable mentality however, not a day goes by where I do not have a severe depressive episode. It is starting to become overwhelming when I notice the changes in my mood and behavior and start to think suicidal thoughts. It’s as if my depression is slowly but surely starting to grow into a much bigger and darker cloud where my mind can no longer present a small ray of sunshine to break the storm.  I know that I cannot only rely on the medication and psychotherapy to help alleviate the depression, I , too, must do my part as well. And I am trying so hard to get through those depressive episodes but all I can think of are the following: I am a useless burden on my parents, they are spending so much money on my therapy sessions and medication and I still having suicidal thoughts; everyone around me would be much better off if I was extinct , their life would be better without my presence to deal with a “psycho” like me.
  2. Hope, Is All Gone. I’ve lost all hope in myself and for my future. Yes, I do believe in myself and in my hopes and dreams but there is a small part of me that knows there is no hope for me to accomplish the things I want to do without something setting off my triggers or knowing that I cannot get the one thing I want to complete my life and make me whole: love, being in a relationship with a guy that truly loves and appreciates me for who I am despite the fact that I have major depressive disorder and borderline personality disorder. There is no “hope” for me to get married in the future because who in the world wants to date/marry someone like me who swims in depression and suicidal thoughts all the time. No one is going to want to date someone like me. Why? Because I am going to put them through hell if I actually follow through with my actions and take my life. And the last thing I want to do is hurt someone else. Besides being “in love” I honestly lost hope to accomplish my lifelong dream to become a University professor. I no longer have the hope to apply, get accepted into graduate school and earn my Ph.D in a subject area I truly love to study all because my hope is crushed by the severe depression.
  3. Fear & Frustration. I’ve had enough of trying to fight through my severe depressive episodes in order to thrive towards success and seeing the positive to live a prosperous life. Every time I try to convince myself the “good” my life has in store for me, something “negative” shows up like “I am not going to get a decent job or internship because my grade point average is well below the mean” or “This guy is not going to ask me out on a date because I am highly sensitive and psychotic.” These thoughts come in and out of my head throughout the day and I’ve come to the point where I just do not know how much longer I can take trying to deal with the unknown. This leaves me being afraid to face the future knowing that I may not be successful or happy because of my mental illness. As I’ve always said before I do not and will not let my mental illness define me in any shape or form but I am honestly afraid that one day I am going to let it take over my life and drive me to insanity where I want to take my life again. I am afraid that I am going to experience a tremendous heartbreak and the only thing that my soul is going to want to do is commit suicide because I’ve been hurt.
  4. Too Many Regrets To Deal With.  Regrets are apart of life, however I am one to dwell on regrets from the past and let them consume me. There is a part me that just cannot live and move on from the regrets so I confine myself to the past. Some of my regrets are too much to bear and the only answer to get over those regrets is to simply take my life.

So what exactly am I going to do to try to convince myself that my life is worth living all the way to the end and accomplish my hopes and dreams?

First, the key thing I must have in my life in order to help create a stable outlook for my future is to surround myself with positive, uplifting, and encouraging people. One of my triggers are people who do not believe in the things I want to accomplish; if someone does not believe in me than I do not believe in myself and therefore I tend to withdraw myself from my goals and want to end my life.

I need support, care, and love. I need to be checked-in on whether it is daily, weekly, or monthly. I know I am not 2 years old but due to the current state I am in if no one checks in on me than my mind automatically translates that to “Nobody cares about me so why don’t I give them a reason to care by taking my life.” This does not make sense right? Exactly. But this is how I process and look at things. I know this is not normal and my therapist is doing an excellent job to help me  recognize when those thoughts arise what to do and I am doing my best to fight the urge to take my life.

I have dreams and I have goals too, it is just going to take me a little harder to find the true reason to convince myself that I am normal and have the power just like everyone else to accomplish whatever my heart and soul desires.

If you know a loved one struggling with severe depression or a mental illness, please make sure you check in on them.  Yes, everyone has a busy life with work, family, and life in general but you have no idea how much a simple phone call or even a text saying, “Hi, how are you. I just wanted to make sure you are okay today” can change someones demeanor or day in an instant.

My friends and family always say, “You know the phone works both ways.” And yes indeed that is true, but when someone, like myself, is severely depressed and going through an episode, we tend to throw all relevant people in our lives out the window and focus on the here and now. I make an effort to reach out to my friends and family when I know I am going through either a good or terrible moment to talk it out and get advice from them.

My goal for each day is to live the present day to the fullest and not to dwell on the fact that I have a mental illness. My goal in life is to be a voice for the ones out there who are struggling and to shed light on a difficult topic to discuss in today’s society: suicide.

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78 thoughts on “Reasons Why I Know I Am Not Going To Live A Full Life.”

  1. This post was so sad- it was even more sad becausebI understand the place it comes from. This was so honest, it was almost painful to read. Phoenix, I would absolutely love to talk to you sometime about my experience with mental health issues, and about some other things. But keep writing, because you so so very beautifully. And please remember that people care- not just the people you see every day, but strangers, like me, who read your work and find themselves touched.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I thank you so much for taking the time to read this difficult and sad entry. It means a lot to me that you took the time to read it and comment.I appreciate your feedback and positive comments. It is people like you, my viewers and followers, who keep me going and strong. I cannot thank you enough for commenting. My email is phoenixtherebirth042013@gmail.com if you would like to chat I am willing to talk, anytime. Phoenix

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      1. “My friends and family always say, “You know the phone works both ways.” And yes indeed that is true, but when someone, like myself, is severely depressed and going through an episode, we tend to throw all relevant people in our lives out the window and focus on the here and now. I make an effort to reach out to my friends and family when I know I am going through either a good or terrible moment to talk it out and get advice from them.” that is the truth!

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  2. I agree with oliviathewriterchild. You are an absolutely beautiful writer and person and I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. I, myself, am going through depression and anxiety and it’s always comforting to know that people care about you. Thank you for opening up your story to complete strangers like us and if you ever need to talk, don’t be afraid to reach out to us. We are here for you just as much as others. ❤ you!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words and comment. I really do appreciate your support. You and my followers are the reason I keep going and living each day to share part of my story because you all do not judge me but support and listen to what I have to say and give me wonderful feedback. Thank you so much – Phoenix

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  3. there are lots of dangerous habits
    among them are a sense of futility
    self anger
    self disappointment
    withdrawal
    all of which we produce ourselves

    but the most dangerous thing that others impose on us is that we believe we cannot say- without consequence- how we really feel

    and that increases the
    futility
    self anger
    self disappointment
    withdrawal

    i am never more lonely than when i cannot honestly express myself without the risk of intervention

    i’m glad you found someone who would listen to what must have been, for her, uncomfortable honesty

    and for you, affirming revelation

    peace

    w

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Hi Will! Thank you so much for your wise words and supportive comment. It was very difficult for her to listen but she did an excellent job just being there and helping me sort through the positives in my life without convincing me that I must live; she was very supportive and a great listener. Posting this was hard but I feel great knowing I have support from viewers like you. Thank you once again for your support! -Phoenix

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  4. I think you are borrowing a lot of fear and uncertainty from the future. In CBT skills we learn about “fortune telling” Basically you are foretelling your own demise or failure or bad outcome before it happens. If there’s one thing that I’ve learned in the past several years its that Depression lies. It paints everything with a dark black that seems to cover the entire canvass, but its just a filter.. a lens that you are looking through right now. It doesn’t have to happen like that.

    Have goals, but take one day at a time.

    Try not to beat yourself up over the past, you can’t change your behaviors then, you can only choose what you will do now. I know you have a lot in your past to process. Your journaling and poetry and bringing them to your therapist is a good idea. I’m sorry for coming on so strong about your poem last night. I’m glad you found a good listener in your friend.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Hi thank you for comment. Please no need to apologize about your previous comment. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and I’ve learned to respect everyone’s opinion and voice when it comes to what I post on my blog. I really do appreciate your honesty because you are so right and I understand what you are saying. Thank you for your feedback- Phoenix

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  5. Looks like a lot of what you’re saying is a cycle: you have a lot of regrets, which makes you frustrated and fearful, and in turn depressed, and then you lose hope (disclaimer, I am not a therapist). I know it’s hard to NOT shut everyone out and let the cycle continue, but you seem like you have great family and friends to support you 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes I do agree with you one vicious cycle and the only person who has the power to stop it is me. I do have support sometimes I tend to forget people are out there and genuinely do care for me. Thanks for taking the time to read this entry and comment. I appreciate any and all feedback. -Phoenix

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  6. I repeat almost everything I said yesterday. I hope you don’t give up on your dreams (present or future ones) or yourself, because you seem like someone who genuinely deserves to live to them. Sends positive vibes Be well. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I went through a really bad episode of depression a few years ago. I cried while reading this because when I was in that depression I didn’t think that there was anyone else in the world that could possibly understand or “get” what I was going through, but you do. I’m sorry that you get it; I can relate to how much it hurts. You did an excellent job of putting into words a subject that’s hard for some people to talk about. Thank you for that. It sounds like you have a good support group though! I’m sorry this comment is sort of rambling and all over the place and if you ever feel like talking you can holler at me anytime
    -Courtney

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Courtney
      I thank you so much for taking the time to read my entry and support what I had to say. You made my day even brighter when you said you could relate to what I said. no need to apologize for your rambling I truly do appreciate your comment you made feel better about myself. I find my strength when I write what is on my mind in hopes to reach people like you and me that are going through something similar. Thank you for feedback and comment. -Phoenix

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  8. You said it all in one sentence: “But this is how I process and look at things”.

    It’s time to change the process.

    Yes you can.

    No, it’s not hard, it just takes A LOT of practice. Let me know when you’re ready and I’ll share with you how I did it. For good. And yes, I was just as hopeless too. There’s only one problem: you’ll have to quit fighting this. I’ll be waiting.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for making me realize I said it all in one sentence and I agree it is time for to change the process of how I think. Something I learn with CBT. It does take practice and I will definitely let you know when I am ready to quit fighting this. It won’t be long because I know someday I will get over this way of thinking. thank you for your support and feedback Jim. -Phoenix

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  9. Hi Phoenix, I wish that there was something that could be said to give you hope, but as you have said it must be found within. However, what I will say is that your life has purpose and there are others in this world that you may not have met yet that are going to need you. It may be a husband, your children, your students… But no I can’t predict the future. But I truly believe that you are not only meant to live for your hopes and dreams, but for others as well. My prayer is for miraculous breakthrough that will not only renew your mind but heal your spirit.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Candy S for the kind genuine and heartfelt words of encouragement. like I’ve shared with others who took the time to read and comment on this difficult post you made my day with your kind words. I do believe what you said that I do have a purpose and I do want to find out what it is. I thank you so much for your support. -Phoenix

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  10. Your positivity and goal to be a voice for others who are struggling is truly inspiring and you have helped remind me and others no doubt that must not dwell on our mental illnesses too much and we can achieve our dreams like “normal” people can! Thank you so much. Never give up on your dreams no matter what anyone tells you! I believe you can become a Professor if you try very hard and prioritise it! No dream is easy to accomplish but if we put the effort in we are much more likely to achieve it and many people have had to try and try again until they achieved their dreams! 🙂 You are very strong and I believe in you and I believe that things will get better for you. I know how you feel as I was depressed for years at a time and it seemed to go with me wherever I went but I got better! Just keep on fighting against the suicidal thoughts and the despair regarding the depression.

    You may not have a stable life always like most people and you may sometimes need to take time off work for a period and I accept that this is the same for me with my Bipolar but that doesn’t mean we can’t achieve great things in our lives and even achieve our dreams! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow! Thank you so much for the reinforcing the positivity and hope that I tend to overlook in my life. I do agree with you, it is going to take me time to accomplish my goals but I know I am going to get there one day some day. I really want to help others and creating my blog has started my road to achieve this very important goal of mine. Thank you once again for your support you have no idea how much you’ve touched my life today -Phoenix

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      1. You’re welcome! 🙂 Thank you for sharing with us YOUR positive outlook on things yourself. Yes you will!

        That’s such a great thing for you to do and trust me, you are helping others with mental health issues!

        I may not know you personally and your story may be different to mine but I understand a lot of the feelings you have been feeling and I also have a close friend who has borderline personality disorder and depression who has experienced similar things to you so I understand what you are going through.

        I am here for you and I think you are a lovely, caring, strong, inspiring person and I don’t even know you personally!

        I understand the feeling that no one cares about you because I get that too sometimes and I end up taking out my phone and calling people until a friend picks up as my friends are often bad at answering calls.

        Keep on working hard to achieve your goals because you can if you put the effort in! 🙂

        I have had my own struggles recently and I have even thought I might not be able to go back to college in September and have to return the year after as I can’t function but that wouldn’t be the end of the world and I am thinking more positively and feeling more in control now that I am medicated and my hypomania/mania is calming down a bit.

        Catherine

        Liked by 1 person

  11. Hi Phoenix, your post has resonated with me deep inside because everything that you have described I have felt myself. I am new to blogging and have joined this community after locking myself away from the world for the past few years. I’ve struggled with depression all my life, but events a few years back tips things over the edge and I fell into a very deep and very dark pit. However, as terrible as this was for me and my family I found a way through it. I’m not saying that I still don’t have depressive thoughts, because I do. But my journey through darkness was also one of enormous self realisation and learning for me. The things I learned about life and about who I truly am as a person are what sustain me now, everyday. That and the fact that I discovered the absolute joy that writing brings me. My blog is a celebration of this joy and also of the lessons I learned on my journey. If ever I can help you, in whatever small way, through my words, my support is there for you so please feel free to reach out. I will leave you with a some final words that I often say to myself when I need a little more fortitude to stay in the light:
    “Nothing that you have ever done;
    Nothing that has ever been done to you;
    Has damaged your soul in any way.
    You are one, you are whole and you always will be.
    The person you were yesterday made you the person you are today
    And the person you are today is strong and beautiful.
    A soul is eternal, it cannot be broken. You are your soul and you cannot be broken.”

    I wish you all the love and support in the world and hope you do find a way to live a full life. Thank you for sharing your post.
    Brett

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Brett I am speechless. I cannot thank you enough for your kind words and encouragement to persevere through this difficult time. I really do appreciate your courage strength and support to read this difficult entry of mine. I am still looking for the things and purpose to sustain my being here on Earth and I believe I am getting closer and closer to finding what it is. Thank you once again and sending positive vibes your way -Phoenix

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      1. Phoenix, you deserve all of the love and support in the world. The story of “you” is a magnificent one for the obstacles you have triumphed over are inspiring and deserve a place among the greatest stories ever told. My latest post explains if you would like to read. It’s called the Story of You.
        http://wp.me/p4L5j9-cV
        Good luck on your journey and do not be afraid to reach out if you ever feel the need. Your positive vibes are returned 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  12. Life is hard to go through, even more so when you have an illness like this weighing on you all the time. I can’t say I know what it’s like, nor can I really give you any advice, but I will pray for you. I sincerely hope you can get through this and don’t take your life. I do know the feeling of being alone, and it’s hard. Please know that we are all here for you in spirit. God Bless. -Willow

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  13. Phoenix, just take each day as it comes. Don’t fear the future and don’t fear how you are going to react to whatever comes along in your path. You’ve already come so far in managing your depression, it takes immense amounts of willpower and strength to want to know yourself in that way and you will have the life that you want to pursue if you stay strong and try to keep focused on the present. I can completely relate to what you said in this blog post, although I’ve been at the other end of the scale (after living life in such a ‘high’ how could normality ever be the same etc etc.) But I’ve learned that I don’t need to be in a manic state to go out there and pursue my dreams and my passions. Even if I spend my whole life just pursuing them at least I will be following my ‘Bliss’s and living the life that I want to experience.

    When you feel ready I would like to recommend a couple of books: The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and Nothing Special – Living Zen by Charlotte Joko Beck. I have benefited so much from reading these two books and it seems like you might just do the same.

    Whatever you do keep focused on the positive steps and changes that you can make. You don’t need negative people around you who wont support you and help you lead the life you deserve and you’ve taken a big step in recognising that. Another great thing is that you can recognise the severity of the thoughts that you have about being alone, and even though your psyche is not going to change overnight you’ve already made a powerful commitment to improving and developing it. Stay focused, keep breathing and let each day unfold knowing that you ARE supported even if it is just by those of us who read your blog. It’s hard to feel so alone and isolated, but you will get through this as a strong person who is ready to enjoy life.

    Mel x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Mel, Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and comment. I really do appreciate words of wisdom and encouragement, you and the other bloggers made my day and encouraged me to enjoy the positives in life and accomplish my dreams and goals. I will add those books to my reading list as I am in need of something inspirational to take in. I thank you so much for the support -Phoenix

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      1. Hi Phoenix! Glad to know that the support that we bloggers can give to you is helpful to and will keep you on the path of living your life to its fullest. I’m so happy that you have added the titles to your reading list, I think you will really benefit from reading them and everything that you can do to nourish yourself will help to unlock the strength that you have to pursue your dreams and goals. Remember that we are all just a message away from you, I’ve just followed you on Twitter (@melMAOW) so feel free to tweet or DM me if you need to x

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  14. As a mother myself, do not despair over the help you’re parents are providing you. You deserve it.

    As for love, I think it’s fair to say anyone that has struggled with mental illness questions their ability to love and be loved, but it is in those moments that it is so important to shower yourself with compliments even if they feel fake, and to refute the voice that is telling you otherwise.

    Society likes to say we can’t love someone else until we love ourselves, but it’s not true. Some of the most deeply loving souls are those that are troubled. You are worth love.

    And you do write beautifully.

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words I am moved and touched by your support. I do agree with your statement about disagreeing with the mantra “you must love yourself first before someone else can love you”. We are all worth love it’s just a matter of that special someone finding the courage to love someone with an illness. Thank you for support! -Phoenix

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  15. It was incredibly brave of you to share your thought process with your friend face to face. I don’t know if I would have had the strength to do that. I share pretty openly on my blog, but only one person I know in real life even knows it exists and I don’t know how often they read.

    I also understand where you are coming from. I know that there will be no more attempts for me. I will succeed or not even try.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah she is really brave and strong to sit and listen to me she showed me what it is like to not be judged based on the wacky things that come out of my mouth. I cannot say whether or not there will be another attempt for me but I do know I do not want to hurt myself or others again. Thanks for your support -Phoenix

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  16. Reblogged this on JOURNEY WITH CARLEY and commented:
    Your words always touch me. Strange to say I’m so glad you write these posts and make people aware of exactly how it is going through these episodes. Mine aren’t always severe only the hours or minutes leading up to an attempt to be honest.
    It’s true what you say about being checked on as well. Ever since I have become braver with admitting my illness I am constantly checked in on by good friends and family who refuse to either let me go down, or if I do they wont let me stay down! Even at this present time everyone is doing everything they can to avoid me taking medication by offering every support they can first.
    I had to repost this because people should definitely be more aware of how one feels with certain types of depression. Keep strong my love xx

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Your post resonated with me and the thoughts that I experienced when I was wrongly medicated. At the time, and in psychotherapy, I thought it was all working. But it turned out the meds and psychotherapy were exacerbating my symptoms rather than alleviating them. I was highly suggestible at the time. Once I got onto the right meds the suicidal thoughts dissipated and very rarely pop up again. Psychotherapy kept me the pathetic whimpering victim during which I set, for the one and only time, a date to take my life. I hated myself. But the right medication, which had an almost immediate positive effect, was the game changer and my life saver. Antidepressants exacerbate my symptoms whereas antipsychotic (seroquel)and now anticonvulsant (epilim) medications, abate the symptoms: most of the dysfunctional behaviours and the racing, disordered and suicidal thoughts. I have even tried antidepressants whilst on current meds and they still bring on the old bad symptoms and put me in a very dark place.
    What I have learned from my experience is that if the meds are going to work for me, they will start to have positive effects at their lowest dosages. This has been the case with the seroquel and the epilim.
    Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience. All the best, Glenn.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Excellent advice as always thank you for your support.
      I am taking seroquel on a low dosage to off set the lack of mood stability I get from the Viibryd together both seem to get the job done but then I still have the moments and thoughts as I shared above. Something I will have to bring to my psychiatrists attention again -Phoenix

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  18. This breaks my heart to read… I’ve lived this. The world can swallow us up when we are living the fight from within… and we can be our own worst enemy.

    I searched so many things – you name it – and only found true and lasting restoration when I turned to Jesus. I can try to explain to others, but there really aren’t words to convey a complete turnaround from feeling this way you’ve described to feeling the complete opposite; compete peace. I pray you find that true peace.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Phoenix I have been where you are! Life seems incredibly overwhelming right now but I encourage you to stand firm. For me the answer was strengthening my relationship with God and seeking out spiritual healing. Please look into a Christian counsellor who can show you God’s love is so much bigger than anything else! When I totally surrendered my being to Him I began to grow into the person He calls me to be. I still have difficult days but knowing I can rely on Him for strength beyond my human abilities pulls me through. You are loved! You have purpose! You are worthy!

    Liked by 1 person

  20. I’m commenting now in tears. That was such an open post. I can only imagine how difficult that conversation was as well as writing that. I value your writing and I relate. I’m all too familiar with that place and understand 100% the mind sets and the way you interpret things. Thank you and I hope we can help provide the strength you need.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Mandi, tank you for reading and I am beyond touched to know that someone else could relate to this post, you reassured me that I am not alone.
      Sending positive vibes your way and I am only an email away if you ever want to vent or chit chat. -Phoenix

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  21. Hi, how are you doing?
    I have been there. Don’t give up on yourself and be determined to get out of it. Once you do get out of it, you will be so strong.
    I came through a depression with the help of hypnotherapy. Maybe something to think about.
    Hugs !!!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  22. I have a student who relapsed after his stay at the rehab…after months of his getting back into his old ways I encountered him once and spoke to him…he cried and asked me for help…since that day, he has been staying with me…I do keep a check on him…after two months of celbrating his sober birthday, two weeks back he took an overdose of his anti- depressants…at nights when he can’t sleep, he tells me what he feels…exactly what you have mentioned above…I want to help him get back to his feet…he is good at academics and music…after years of abuse, he has got back his violin to play this week…I am happy for him…you remind me so much about him…what he cannot share with me, I try to understand through your blog…you are helping me help him…God bless you..!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow I am beyond touched by your word. I thank you so much you can find hope and help in my posts. I am doing my best to be the voice of those who are not as open as myself and show them that they, too, are not alone. Thank you once again! -Phoenix

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  23. Phoenix……As I read this post all I could think of is….”this was me”. I have to say I have been there, more times than I care to admit. I have to tell you that I am 45, this is important because of what I tell you next. I will make it as brief as possible. It seems my whole life has been a struggle, all kinds of abuse throughout my childhood and early adult life. I made some bad decisions too. I was a cutter at 13, before there was a label. Everyone else hurt me, so it was easy for me to hurt myself. So, I always knew I wouldn’t make it past 30 years old. There weren’t many resources available to me when I was young because in our family you kept secrets and carried the shame. What a messed up way to live!!! No wonder I was damaged. My point is, I AM 45! I am 15 years beyond where I thought I would be. I still have good and bad days though…I think we all do. Dark nights of the soul I like to call them. I learned that I allowed circumstances and people in my life to control me and one point years ago I opted for antidepressants so I could survive. My medication is a healthy life style now. You are so much stronger than I was, you reach out, I turned in. But I made it to today, this moment, right here and now! Your name speaks to me…because it truly is about rebirth. Not once but many times. Stay strong…you have many supporters and just added another you to your list. Peace for now my friend!

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  24. I can understand feeling like living with a mental illness and the shame and regret from past decisions is just too much. In addition to therapy, friends, and medication, I have found that treating yourself as a close friend would treat you (words of affirmation,dismissing negative thoughts that just aren’t true, and just being kind to yourself) and keeping a sense of humor about the shit life can put you through helps. It is a daily struggle, but I am happy you have the courage to face it, because you have contributed something beautiful to me, just by writing. Thank you!

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    1. Thank you for taking the time to read. I am tremendously touched by your kind words. Thank you for your support I am trying my best to lean on my support people to get through this difficult time in my life. -Phoenix

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  25. My initial impulse was to reply with a lot of “yeah, but…”. Then I realised that even though I have never experienced deep depression (I used to have an anxiety disorder), I know how annoying “yeah, but” is and how it does not help you at all. So I’ll read a bit more about you before I comment anything deeper. What I’d like to know: how did your friend react to your reasons for not living a full life? She must be an amazing friend the way you describe her!
    Lunatique

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    1. Thank you so much for commenting I really do appreciate your feedback and opinion. I am not one to judge how others perceive my writing and what I say your words help me get a better outlook on life. She was hurt when but did not cry she was very understanding how I felt and what I was saying because she understands how severe my depression and borderline personality disorder is. She was very strong and comforted me.

      Liked by 1 person

  26. Are you in my head? I’m manic/depressive bipolar. My husband committed suicide. I was there. I’m as lost as I can be. You have someone who’s been there. There is someone who will love you for who you have been and who you are. Don’t give up please! You give me hope to go on.

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  27. Hi, Just checking in on your phoenix! I wanted to make sure you are okay and that you can get through this day. I won’t ask about tomorrow, just this day! Sending you squishy hugs.

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  28. I read this, and was like, “Wow, she GETS it!” All of your reasons, if not the details included, I get. I have struggled with bouts of depression since I was a child (yeah, 8 years old, seeing the counselor to deal with my fear of death, but my desire to die – I was conflicted) It is so hard to be in that dark place, fighting those inner voices, when you’ve heard them for so long that it feels like they are right, and that it would be so much easier to quit, no one would likely notice, really, life would go on without you… all of that.
    It’s been awhile since I’ve made an attempt, but have been so close several times that I have literally snapped myself back just before driving off the road, or ‘accidentally’ taking too many meds, whatever is convenient in that moment, and, for so long, the only person I’ve had is myself. The few times I talked to counselors, they thought I was a danger to myself and/or my kids, and wanted to commit me, and the few friends I’ve tried to open up to tell me that “it’ll work out” or preach to me about demons and faith, like I don’t know all of that. I am a Christian, and my faith is strong, but, sometimes, those voices just feel so right……
    Anyway, what I was trying to say is, great post, and you are blessed to have a friend willing to listen, really listen, to you about it all. I hope you find the strength to dig yourself out of that hole in the future, before you make the attempt. I hope you find the faith in yourself that you can do all of those things, get that job, find that man (because, trust me, if I can find a great one, who accepts all my problems, and loves me through it, I know you can, too) have that life. It won’t be easy, and you will have those times where you are back in the dark place, thinking about it, but you can look around, and see how much you actually do have to live for, and how it would affect others (and it would) if you gave up. I may not always be Susie Sunshine, but I am a good person, and I am available if you need to talk ❤

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    1. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this difficult post of mine you brightened my future up just a little brighter than before thank you!
      I really do appreciate your support. I wish my faith was stronger but one day I know for sure it will get to where I need it to be. Thanks for the support again,
      Phoenix

      Liked by 1 person

  29. Reading that it could have been me typing it. I had a huge argument with my husband this week. Sitting down and discussing it later we realised it was in part because he had seen me feeling sad and tried to give me hope. I struggle with hope, it scares and upsets me. The place where we differ is in some parts #2. I have a husband. We are celebrating our 10th anniversary of being together tomorrow and a year of being married last month. It’s not been easy, I’m crazy. I consistently try to push him away to save him from me. I put him through hell with my mental health. He’s had to go through one serious suicide attempt with me. But for some reason he is still here. And with 9 years of knowledge of me under his belt he still married me. I’m also finishing up a PhD. Some days I think it was the biggest mistake of my life to take it on. Other days I know it was good, know I can be good with it. And I hope that I will finish it. It has not been easy, but with a good support system and very understanding supervisors, it has been possible. I just wanted to share that with you. Realising that I will always be ‘limited’, as I call it, has been a recent and hard thing for me to swallow. I will never be better, never be like ‘normal’ people. But I’m taking one day at a time, doing my best each day, even if that means hiding in bed, and I know that I have a future. I will live somewhere and do something. Details are irrelevant and too likely to give false hope. But there will be something, somewhere.

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  30. I admire your bravery for being so honest. I can relate to this so much, I cried reading it and found it oddly comforting to know I’m not alone in these thoughts. Raising awareness is so important in tackling the stigma of mental illness and what you are doing is incredible. Keep posting and you may just save the world. Thank you!

    Liked by 2 people

  31. You are so brave, it takes tremendous courage to speak out on these issues that have been taboo for too long! Your honest, raw style and vulnerability are truly touching. Here if you ever need.

    Liked by 1 person

  32. We have the same diagnosis but I can never go through the experience you been through. The reasons you mentioned here are probably the reason why I cant live a full life myself. However, the reason doesn’t stop us from being strong. So whatever it is you should that I love you and that there are really a lot of us here caring for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  33. I won’t comment on all your fears but I want to point out one thing: you most definitely can find someone to love you despite your depression. My boyfriend suffers from severe depression and anxiety. He’s been in therapy and on medication for years. Along with the medication he stopped having suicidal tendencies but he’s as antisocial as they come. At one point he actually decided to opt out of this modern life and moved to the middle of nowhere as a handyman on a farm, living in an ancient tiny cottage with no electricity. This being a highly educated man who still devours books by the day, mind you; he simply couldn’t take the pressure of everyday life 
    When we met he was briefly better, probably due to the new positive element in his life, our relationship. He was the most wonderful person I ever met and I fell completely in love with him. In time the “new relationship” magic wore off and he slowly sunk back into his depression. Spending time with me exhausts him so we decided it’s better to stop living together. As an ex teen with a troubled past myself (suicide attempts included eh) I try to be as understanding as I possibly can. I was warned about his illness from the very beginning and I understood the risks. He’s had ugly episodes of breaking down completely and wanting to push me away, I just listened, tried to comfort him and always acknowledged the intensity of his feelings. It seems at the moment the best thing I can do is allow him some time to breath, upon his request. I know he loves me despite his illness and I’ll just wait for him to get to a better place, all the while checking in with him through morning/bedtime/news of a day calls.
    The point of this story is that people can and will see past your illness and it’s not your illness that defies you. People will fall in love with you, your personality and everything you are. And that’s way more powerful than your shortcomings to someone that loves you. 🙂

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    1. Hi your comment definitely gave me hope I really do appreciate the time you took to write this and tell me that everything IS going to get better and I am going to find someone you know it may not be tomorrow but it will be near. Thanks again you instilled hope in me for the future I am so thankful that you stopped by blog and read this post. -Phoenix

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  34. I can relate, the only thing that keeps me from suicide is my family. If I can ever get them so that they are taken care of, I will probably consider it again. Since I have so many medical issues and mental issues, it would be a blessing to all.

    Liked by 1 person

  35. I have been suicidal and alone and had given up on life, let alone ever finding love. But I got medicated and went to therapy and suffered through psychosis, but guess what, I found love!! And certainly if i could do it, being the mess that I was, anyone can. Don’t give up on love. Don’t give up on love. It is the greatest force in the universe. I have been married 25 years and I was totally psychotic. Have patience. With yourself, with life. Sorry to sound so didactic but it is my message to the world. I wrote my story because I could have used a story like mine to get me through the depression. Life CAN turn around in a minute. It just takes one precious moment and one precious someone.

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