August 2nd, 2014 8:09 PM
Today, I overdosed;
Made the courageous righteous decision to die
Of laughter, pain, fear, and sorrow.
Today, I overdosed;
As I watched the love of my life
Walk out and abandoned me on the front steps for another woman;
For someone more “appealing”, “long-standing”, “sensible”, and “happier” than I am.
There I was,
Out on a short limb stranded alone to die.
So I cried;
A tear for each friend I miraculously used my two bloody hands to push away;
A tear for the vigorous hearts I stepped upon and broke perfectly into two whole pieces.
Today, I overdosed;
As I tried to use my two feeble hands to pull the 6 inch knife out from my brawny back.
The knife you used to stab me in the back.
Today, I overdosed;
Because I was locked in a white room strapped to a musty hospital bed for 8 whole days with no one there to hold my hand.
I laid there for 8 whole days waiting patiently to hear that I’ve received a phone call from a loved one saying, “I love you”.
But, no.
I lifelessly hopelessly laid there.
Today, I overdosed;
Because my own flesh and blood want nothing more to do with me;
They cannot stand the naked sight of being related to
A maniac.
A psychotic, crazy Homo Sapien like me.
Today, I overdosed;
Because I slit my wrist 12 times for the pain each person has caused me in the last 12 hours.
I stained my warm blood on the cold ice presented to me.
There I sat and watched my contagious acute blood melt the living life out of something so glossy, solid, and frozen.
Today, I overdosed;
Because I was told
I am like a broken toy that cannot be fixed.
I am not worth replacing batteries for;
I am not worth another cent from a loved one’s wealthy pocket.
Today, I overdosed;
I received a call from my local bank saying I have $5.18 to my Golden name.
I am homeless.
I have no green cash to spend on clothes, food, or water.
Nobody wants to let this lost soul in
So, I decided to overdose.
Today, I overdosed;
I failed to call for help during
My manic, hypo-manic, depressive episode.
I tried to call, but there was no number to dial.
So, I decided to overdose.
Today, I overdosed;
Because I pulled the last straw of hope
From a gigantic bundle presented to me
After my most recent discharge from the hospital.
It split in half and fell nonchalantly to the rocky ground.
My hope is gone.
So, I decided to overdose.
I have found my inner happiness
And it is not to be here
Walking through the valley of this shallow Earth.
I have found my joy
And it is not to be here
Singing my painful song to an ignorant sea of sane adults.
I have found my peace
And it is not to be here;
But, it lies 10 feet above my tombstone
Beyond the depths of the bright Northern star.
Today, I overdosed;
To say goodbye to what could have been a happier tomorrow.
The events presented and illustrated above are true experiences of mine. Not all of them are situations I have experienced but I have witnessed and felt. I wrote this for others, like myself, who can relate to the pain, thoughts, feelings and uncontrollable behaviors of various mental illnesses during different episodes. Please, seek help if this post has triggered any sensitive sensors in your life or call the suicide prevention hotline number, 1-800-273-8255.
Wow. That is beautiful. And sad. Don’t ever forget what the last item was out of Pandora’s box…… Do you know what it was? It was HOPE.
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Hope. Yes. something my therapist always remind me of. Thank you so much for reading. -Phoenix.
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Hope is defined for me as “the light at the end of the tunnel”. There is ALWAYS a light. Wether it’s moonlight or sunlight. It’s ever present. Hold onto that. Thank you for sharing. You’re writing is beautiful.
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The title scared me. I thought that you had.
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Oh no I did not. I have in the past. The title was inspired by the deep feeling of when I did in the past.
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I could relate to a lot of what you wrote. Powerful and Sad, beautifully written
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You know. Hey. I hope you make it through. 🙂
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Struggle is unavoidable. That is why it is good to have a plan. My psychiatric clinic has someone on call 24 hrs a day. Also there is an emergency clinic just for psychiatric issues. So it is supposed to be a better experience than bring admitted by a regular emergency room. The suicide hotline I have heard is very helpful.
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Dear friend, you are healing deep wounds.. Be good to yourself.. You are blessed..
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Oh and I just wanna say how I seriously love your blog. Great literary pieces . They just make my heart go wkdjakksjdsksjj.
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Thank you so much for the love and support. I am glad you enjoy it! That’s my goal to touch other people.
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Beautiful poem, Phoenix. Haunting and so sad. Brought back some of my own memories. There but for the Gods’ grace go we….
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Reblogged this on Alpha Alpheus' Randomized Instability.
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I’ve never been to a place that dark myself, have seen my wife wheeled out of there on a gurney five times, and think I understand it now better than I ever did before.
The torment and the peace of the moment embracing one another as sisters reconciling after a painful estrangement.
Haunting and nothing less than brilliant.
There is true inspiration to be found in your words and your voice, a gift you have chosen to share by baring your soul.
The encouragement you bring to others is an absolute blessing.
Next time, sweetheart, if you could please put the “fine print” first so as to avoid scaring the shit out of me, I would appreciate it.
Harris
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I will definitely do that next time if I write a tragic post. Did not mean to scare you. I did not overdose. I am still here connecting with you and everyone else.
Thank you always for your support Harris.
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Actually, it may not have had the intended effect if the fine print came first. Anyway, Raw & Brilliant, Phoenix .
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Reblogged this on In the Garden of the Cyclothymes and commented:
Courageous, profound and magnificently executed.
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All I can say is: WOW!
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I’ve never read anything so powerful. There are no words to describe how this made me feel.
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Reblogged this on Finding Your Inner Happiness and commented:
There are no words.
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This is beautiful.
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Reblogged this on My Disordered Me and commented:
This is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read.
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I know we just technically “met” but from what I can tell you are a beautiful person, I enjoy your writing and would honestly like to talk with you some more and get to know you.
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Hi yes of course you can always email me
phoenixtherebirth042013@gmail.com
Thank you so much for your support.
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I will. Thank you 🙂
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“Today, I overdosed;
As I watched the love of my life
Walk out and abandoned me on the front steps for another woman;
For someone more “appealing”, “long-standing”, “sensible”, and “happier” than I am.
There I was,
Out on a short limb stranded alone to die.
So I cried;
A tear for each friend I miraculously used my two bloody hands to push away;
A tear for the vigorous hearts I stepped upon and broke perfectly into two whole pieces.”
This. So much this it is like you pulled it from my brain. I have been crying for hours because I KNOW these lines to the core of my soul. Thank you. Thank you, Phoenix.
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I am touched that my words were able to touch and resonate with you hun. Stay strong I am here for you always. Sending positive vibes your way -Phoenix
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Reblogged this on cloudurchin and commented:
This.
By the way, everyone should follow Phoenix. She is amazing and insightful and puts to words everything in my heart that I can’t say.
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Very dark and so honest. Thanks for sharing this.
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You have an amazing gift of writing. You are going to help so many people!!
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That is beautiful. You are beautiful and amazing.
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This was astounding, and I respect your every word among this piece. I loved the feeling and the intensity. This really touched me. You are truly a soul to be commended. Hope and love be with you through out your days. Best of luck -ofwoodenwords
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What a journey of recovery you have embarked on. It’s such a great therapy to express what you have been through and how you felt. I pray God’s continued comfort and deliverance for you. Continue to grow stronger and stronger. Grace and peace to you. God bless my dear sister.
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I echo everyone else when I say I am so relieved to know that this is a vignette of your experiences and not something you followed through on.
You have been gifted with a way with words and it is inspiring to see you use this to touch others who are in a dark space. It really seems this is part of your purpose here on Earth!
We don’t know each other but I am proud of you 🙂
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Awesome awesome awesome write. I love it. Keep spreading awareness. You do it soooooo well. – Crystal
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Thank you so much. That’s my goal to help others by spreading awareness.
Phoenix
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You can not have light without darkness ❤ much love phoenix
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Phoenix, that was really nice and sad. I knew my pain would never match to yours, but I do hope that you know if you don’t have friends you can see, you have friends far away from you. We all are willing to listen to you. Some may find this annoying, maybe you’re one of them, but I really do hope that you get out and recover. I know Eminem did, and you’ve gotta know that someone, one way or another, is always watching over you.
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I think I’m in love with your ability to write such beautiful and inspirational pieces. Thank you for being so honest in your writing, it’s a breath of fresh air.
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You are so welcome. it helps me find peace within myself when i can speak my open mind to connect with my viewers and followers.
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So beautiful…. x
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