Today, I Overdosed.

August 2nd, 2014  8:09 PM

Today, I overdosed;
Made the courageous righteous decision to die
Of laughter, pain, fear, and sorrow.

Today, I overdosed;
As I watched the love of my life
Walk out and abandoned me on the front steps for another woman;
For someone more “appealing”, “long-standing”, “sensible”, and “happier” than I am.
There I was,
Out on a short limb stranded alone to die.
So I cried;
A tear for each friend I miraculously used my two bloody hands to push away;
A tear for the vigorous hearts I stepped upon and broke perfectly into two whole pieces.

Today, I overdosed;
As I tried to use my two feeble hands to pull the 6 inch knife out from my brawny back.
The knife you used to stab me in the back.

Today, I overdosed;
Because I was locked in a white room strapped to a musty hospital bed for 8 whole days with no one there to hold my hand.
I laid there for 8 whole days waiting patiently to hear that I’ve received a phone call from a loved one saying, “I love you”.
But, no.
I lifelessly hopelessly laid there.

Today, I overdosed;
Because my own flesh and blood want nothing more to do with me;
They cannot stand the naked sight of being related to
A maniac.
A psychotic, crazy Homo Sapien like me.

Today, I overdosed;
Because I slit my wrist 12 times for the pain each person has caused me in the last 12 hours.
I stained my warm blood on the cold ice presented to me.
There I sat and watched my contagious acute blood melt the living life out of something so glossy, solid, and frozen.

Today, I overdosed;
Because I was told
I am like a broken toy that cannot be fixed.
I am not worth replacing batteries for;
I am not worth another cent from a loved one’s wealthy pocket.

Today, I overdosed;
I received a call from my local bank saying I have $5.18 to my Golden name.
I am homeless.
I have no green cash to spend on clothes, food, or water.
Nobody wants to let this lost soul in
So, I decided to overdose.

Today, I overdosed;
I failed to call for help during
My manic, hypo-manic, depressive episode.
I tried to call, but there was no number to dial.
So, I decided to overdose.

Today, I overdosed;
Because I pulled the last straw of hope
From a gigantic bundle presented to me
After my most recent discharge from the hospital.
It split in half and fell nonchalantly to the rocky ground.
My hope is gone.
So, I decided to overdose.

I have found my inner happiness
And it is not to be here
Walking through the valley of this shallow Earth.

I have found my joy
And it is not to be here
Singing my painful song to an ignorant sea of sane adults.

I have found my peace
And it is not to be here;
But, it lies 10 feet above my tombstone
Beyond the depths of the bright Northern star.

Today, I overdosed;
To say goodbye to what could have been a happier tomorrow.


The events presented and illustrated above are true experiences of mine. Not all of them are situations I have experienced but I have witnessed and felt. I wrote this for others, like myself, who can relate to the pain, thoughts, feelings and uncontrollable behaviors of various mental illnesses during different episodes. Please, seek help if this post has triggered any sensitive sensors in your life or call the suicide prevention hotline number, 1-800-273-8255.

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41 thoughts on “Today, I Overdosed.”

      1. Hope is defined for me as “the light at the end of the tunnel”. There is ALWAYS a light. Wether it’s moonlight or sunlight. It’s ever present. Hold onto that. Thank you for sharing. You’re writing is beautiful.

        Like

  1. Struggle is unavoidable. That is why it is good to have a plan. My psychiatric clinic has someone on call 24 hrs a day. Also there is an emergency clinic just for psychiatric issues. So it is supposed to be a better experience than bring admitted by a regular emergency room. The suicide hotline I have heard is very helpful.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve never been to a place that dark myself, have seen my wife wheeled out of there on a gurney five times, and think I understand it now better than I ever did before.
    The torment and the peace of the moment embracing one another as sisters reconciling after a painful estrangement.
    Haunting and nothing less than brilliant.

    There is true inspiration to be found in your words and your voice, a gift you have chosen to share by baring your soul.
    The encouragement you bring to others is an absolute blessing.

    Next time, sweetheart, if you could please put the “fine print” first so as to avoid scaring the shit out of me, I would appreciate it.

    Harris

    Liked by 1 person

  3. “Today, I overdosed;
    As I watched the love of my life
    Walk out and abandoned me on the front steps for another woman;
    For someone more “appealing”, “long-standing”, “sensible”, and “happier” than I am.
    There I was,
    Out on a short limb stranded alone to die.
    So I cried;
    A tear for each friend I miraculously used my two bloody hands to push away;
    A tear for the vigorous hearts I stepped upon and broke perfectly into two whole pieces.”

    This. So much this it is like you pulled it from my brain. I have been crying for hours because I KNOW these lines to the core of my soul. Thank you. Thank you, Phoenix.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This was astounding, and I respect your every word among this piece. I loved the feeling and the intensity. This really touched me. You are truly a soul to be commended. Hope and love be with you through out your days. Best of luck -ofwoodenwords

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I echo everyone else when I say I am so relieved to know that this is a vignette of your experiences and not something you followed through on.

    You have been gifted with a way with words and it is inspiring to see you use this to touch others who are in a dark space. It really seems this is part of your purpose here on Earth!

    We don’t know each other but I am proud of you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Phoenix, that was really nice and sad. I knew my pain would never match to yours, but I do hope that you know if you don’t have friends you can see, you have friends far away from you. We all are willing to listen to you. Some may find this annoying, maybe you’re one of them, but I really do hope that you get out and recover. I know Eminem did, and you’ve gotta know that someone, one way or another, is always watching over you.

    Liked by 1 person

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