The End Is Near.

September 14th, 2014  7:08 PM

Life is an obstacle;
Please, forgive me for making shortcuts.
As a matter of fact,
Please, forgive me for making cuts.
Upon the forearm that my Mother gave me
And the upper thigh from which my Father used to raise me.

Tell me that I am loved;
Scratch that, tell me that I am worth it.
Tell me that my birthright is right
And that I have a place here in your nest.
A room for me to protest
Against the poison
Stated against me
Used against me
Engraved in me.

Save me from the end;
The unexpected climax
Of my treacherous journey.
Let me bury my face
In the pit of your blossom soul
In hopes for my mustard seed faith
To bloom and grow.

The end is near;
Oh, dear please forgive me
For my wrongs and rights.
My dues have been subdued
By the voices of the past.
Correct me if I am wrong
But I know that I can no longer go on.

I am troubled.
Sick and tired of living
In this downright bubble.
Cuddle me righteous;
Cuddle me gracious;
Cover me with serenity
To discourage the forthcoming feeling
That my end is near.

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17 thoughts on “The End Is Near.”

  1. That is very dark. I have lived with the thought of suicide and even set a date, but that set off alarm bells in me. A stranger told me I needed help. And I told him I was under the “care and treatment” of three psychs. Their diagnosis made no sense to me. Life events that did not happen were projected on to me. So I told my GP the treatment was not working and he prescribed a medication that took the suicidal thoughts away. And the darkness went away. I then got a new opinion and the meds that were helping were increased; that made sense. And that new diagnosis made sense. It fit with what I had been through. I have read several times that “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem”. And for me that was true: prescribe the right medication and the suicidal thoughts went away. Prescribe the wrong medication and the darkness that is suicide may win. A senseless waste of precious human life.

    Liked by 5 people

  2. You followed my blog today, and I am so glad….you are a brave, beautiful woman, putting all of this out there!!! I too am concerned…I have attempted, more than once. Thank God, more than once I did not succeed. The darkness can seem overwhelming, but IT IS NOT. That is an illusion, my dear. You are worth life. Did you hear me?? YOU ARE WORTH LIFE. If you need to talk, email me…eruvyreth1@gmail.com

    Btw, I’ve not had the courage to say it on my blog, but I have been diagnosed major depressive disorder(I think I may have said that), and twice diagnosed in different states because no one wants to accept this is real, but Multiple Personality/Dissociative Identity Disorder. I keep trying to get brave enough to go there. It’s been 6 years since the first diagnosis, the first time I realized there was actually an explanation for what my life was and always had been. You are not alone, lovely.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m thankful for the encouraging comments you have already received and I also applaud your courage and openness in sharing your heart and vulnerabilities with others (I’m sure you’re helping others more than you’ll ever know).

    I too have been down more times than I can count. I’ve washed down handfuls of pills with alcohol, not really wanting to die, just sort of playing Russian Roulette (“If I die, great; if not, whatever…” was my attitude). I’m glad I didn’t die. I actually really do want to see what God can do with the mess I’ve made of my life. Even now, my circumstances are pretty dire (unemployed for months, student loan debt up to here, living on credit cards, etc.), but I’m still holding onto a shred of hope that God will do something amazing. Maybe not what I wanted or expected, but amazing nonetheless and that will glorify Him.

    When I read your post and thought of you, 2 Corinthians 4:6 came to my spirit:

    For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.

    God still commands the light to shine out of darkness, He has shined in our hearts, and we can truly know and understand the glory of God through Jesus Christ!

    Hold onto this scripture. I believe the Holy Spirit prompted it to me for you. There’s no darkness God’s light cannot penetrate and as long as we hold onto Christ, we can experience God’s glory in our lives!

    Stay strong, little sis!

    Feel free to email me any time: intimacywithjc@gmail.com

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  4. Try to hold on, read some of earlier work, sometimes my own words can bring me back on dark days, make me remember a more hopeful day. Stay strong my friend, this isn’t the end, you’ve touched the lives of many through your words and are a crusader attacking a very real stigma against mental illness. This too shall pass, seek other treatments, seek anything, I hope to read more from you soon πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’ve never been suicidal.
    I remember telling my therapist once that if I didn’t wake up the next morning I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it, but that waking up – if nothing else – would really piss off my particular demons, and that would get the next day off to a much better start.
    It wasn’t so much that I didn’t want to lose, but I wouldn’t want the Depression to win.
    I’ve always felt that even when the ugliest of thoughts start to take over, there’s always a voice of reason inside of us somewhere that resonates even more deeply, hopefully enough to be able to guide us through our journey once some of the light starts shining through again.
    There’s a reason you’ve fought back before…
    … and it was right.
    Something inside of you likely realizes you are stronger than you give yourself credit for being.
    Serenity is not the same as surrender.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. There are no adequate words, so over the miles I send you a virtual hug. In those dark places, there is space to take a deep breath, to live in the moment, and put one foot in front of the other. That’s what life is. You are not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m so glad people have replied with positive comments so far. I don’t want to read and just run so sending positive thoughts, prayers and safe hugs. Your words have helped so many, including me. I know how hard it is when the darkness pulls you in deeper but please know there are so many of us who want to help you get through this. As someone else suggested, sometimes it can help reading previous posts when you were feeling more positive. Hang in there Phoenix.

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  8. These are beautiful words, and you are very strong to share them. You are strong to let others know how you are feeling. I have believe that you will reach out, and not allow your demons to take you. You have been thought this with another, and you have fought your demons so bravely. You are an amazing person. Reach out, do not allow the demons to win! You matter. You are an inspiration to many. Your words resonate, reach for the light my dear. You know it is there.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. You visited my blog this summer…and I am finally catching up on those who visit me…I always like to return the favor. Thank you! And, may I say, NEVER GIVE UP…some days are pure hell—but, as one of your commentators wrote, I know that YOU are a GIFT and there is a part inside of you that is greater than all that you have suffered and are suffering! You are so courageous to write so openly about the battle you are waging…Your poetry speaks your heart and demons…the fact that you can let it out will help the healing process. YOU are GIFT! Always remember that and NEVER GIVE UP!

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  10. Reblogged this on svorkti and commented:

    A raw poet, this is one of her dark posts, but there’s lots of encouragement to be found in her journal.
    I’m here to some degree, being unemployed and broke and nearly friendless gives me fleeting thoughts of suicide, it just feels like a hole I can’t crawl out of right now. I f***** up this year and don’t know how to convince a potential employer I’ve made a turnaround. The saving grace is my history up to January, my employers praised my work, but then 3/4 jobs were cut short due to manic episodes/drug use. This year is the same, but one is only a month long and two are only two weeks long. I feel like I’m waiting for a miracle. It feels so much better to be working. Call me over dramatic, but suicide keeps flitting through my mind.
    The icing on the rotten cake is that two of my “friends” don’t really seem interested in hanging out anymore, and the one who I know will always be there is too busy with work right now to hang out. I’ve kinda always been on the outside looking in at all these people with rich social lives, now more so than ever since I’ve been in this two year rough patch, where I’ve cut ties with people I once called best friends, and been in mental hospitals six times, and jail almost as much.
    I’m in quicksand, is anybody coming with a rope?
    But anyways, follow her blog!

    Liked by 1 person

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