The 7 Letter Word That Scares The Living Daylights Out of Humans.

September 27, 2014  11:38 PM

Having thoughts of suicide is an under-statement.
Having the urge to take my life is an over-statement.
Telling others that I am suicidal is a selfish-statement.
I am suicidal, this is the accurate-statement.

If I cannot be honest you, then why should I be honest with me?
Here I am sitting in a dark corner
Hovering my life into one quiet shell.
The only light shining in the midst of the room
Is the glow from my cold heart.
Slowing frosting over the blemishes
I want to leave behind due to my depressive manic episodes.

I wrap my life-less hands around my circular body
In hopes to suffocate the inner life
Pumping through my fragile veins.
I touch the scars, the left behind marks
Of the single headed darts which you threw
At my mistakes,
My illness,
My mishaps,
My episodes,
My sensitivity,
My inner shyness,
And
My devoted love for you.

I stand up to rejection
I stand up to instability
I stand up to fear
But, for some odd reason
I just cannot seem to stand up for me.

This world is swallowing my flesh piece by piece.
Inch by inch
Life by life.
I am suicidal, this is my statement.
I’ve lost my battle
I’ve lost the fight
I’m in a constant struggle with thoughts, feelings, and everything in sight
And all I want to do is take action.

Suicide is not so taboo to me anymore
Suicide is my buggaboo who keeps me warm at night.
Yes, I dressed it as a person
I even dressed it up as my lover.
Bear with me and my rapid thoughts
As I shed the true defining light upon
The seven letter that scares the living daylights out of humans:
Suicide.

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9 thoughts on “The 7 Letter Word That Scares The Living Daylights Out of Humans.”

  1. As I read your prose I could relate and understand a great deal of what you are feeling. I’ve been suicidal way too many times; I’ve lost count. I understand the pain and darkness. I ask you to hold on Phoenix. Let your writing relieve the pressure inside. I could truly relate to your writing. It moved me and my heart went out to you. Thank you for a touching post.

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  2. “Yes, I dressed it as a person
    I even dressed it up as my lover.”

    i’ve done this with suicide. And i’ve tried to explain it to someone and i just couldn’t. Suicide has become like a friend to me and I sometimes feel more depressed that I can’t live up to my friend suicides expectations…. as in have a succesful suicide. It’s like i’ve romantasized the whole concept of suicde aswell which makes it twice as hard to get out of the habit of suicidal thoughts.

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  3. Been there. Week after week after month after year. I got help when I thought it was hopeless and I just wanted to die so badly, one last try for help so as not to hurt my children – and now, even when life is hard, I haven’t been there for 20 years. If this is you tonight, please get some help. It gets better, truly it does.

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  4. I lived with the daily thought or suicide for seven months, yet still cannot fathom what it would be like to take that extra date. I set a date for sure, but fortunately my GP got me onto seroquel and the suicidal thoughts abated. My thoughts go out daily for those who live with the thoughts, take action on them and those who succeed. For me it was a simple matter of getting onto the antipsychotic “seroquel”. Antidepressants made the suicidal ideation worse and I set a date. Maybe check you meds? It could be that simple?

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  5. Suicide, the dark place where you seem to be alone. Take a deep breath, now another, now another. Living, another place where you might seem alone. But we are not alone. Someone, or many someones, cares…even without understanding. So let’s take the deep breath, and another, and another, and believe that tomorrow could be a better day.

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  6. Well done for getting things out there. I’ve been in that suicidal place many times, I just keep ending up back there. Keep writing and let it help you. Please know there are many people sitting with you (myself included) through this pain. Sending lots of safe warm hugs.

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  7. IT’S NOT SELFISH. Please don’t let people tell you that. They only want to protect themselves, not you. I know this. I’ve attempted suicide more times than I have fingers to count, and Lord knows I’ve come close to “succeeding.” But you have power over your life, and it’s not selfish to claim that power. When I was in the midst of my suicide spree, my doctor would keep telling me to stop, to find another outlet. But, you know, the only thing in the world that I had a say in, that I could control, was my life. I wasn’t going to let him take THAT away from me. Perverse thinking, but it meant that I held ultimate control, no matter what others did to me. What I hope you learn is, don’t lose that control. Retain your right to your life, but don’t give in to the right. Don’t exercise that right, just know that you have it. And maybe, hopefully, just knowing is enough.

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