Is It ‘Bad’ That I’ve Lost Hope…Again?

December 6, 2014  6:02 PM

Well, it’s December and I can happily say that I successfully completed my Fall Semester at my University.  It was a fairly ‘easy’ transition semester for me as I had to take a medical leave of absence last Spring. I came back to school with high expectations for myself: to remain positive, continue to take my meds, see my psychiatrist and therapist regularly, and try my ultimate best to reconnect with others to the best of my ability. And, surprisingly I did. I’ve had one of the best semesters of my college career. Not a lot of my friends from last semester reached out to me and it’s partly my fault since well I did not reach out to them too, especially the ones I know I hurt the most. I heard through the grapevine from peers that well “I was just too crazy to be around and they needed space”. Which of course I will not fight and did not take to heart but I was and still am hurt that they could not approach me as an individual. But I moved on and my two best friends took me under their wings and made my transition back to school the best; comforting and supportive.

I did have a couple of bipolar episodes this semester including one a couple of days ago. I am much more aware of my manic – depressive episodes now than ever before. I am so open to let others know now that ‘hey, I simply do not want to be bothered today…I am not myself’. Of course, I would only tell this to a selective group of people who understood what it is I am going through. I’ve had nights I cried myself to sleep…and there would be reason behind it;  just tears  falling and I wasn’t sure if it was the depression, my meds, me thinking about my friend who passed, I just could not pin point why I was crying.

I’ve had some weird moments where I felt as though I was not myself. I felt like I was walking on Earth but felt lost on the inside; I did not know where I was going. There were a couple of nights this semester I would walk out of my bed at like 3:00 AM and roam the city streets by my campus and sit on the tracks and wait patiently for the next train to pass through the town. In the back of my mind, I would sit and ponder ‘am I going to move when the train comes or sit and let it run over my lifeless body’ there was so much going on through my head that I just could not think straight. And so I moved…and let the train pass through and not drag my body along with it. I would push and force myself off the tracks and sit in the bushes and cry my life away.

In the bushes, I would sit in silence and run my fingers through the cold mulch.  I would think about the lives I would have damaged and hurt if I took the risk and let the train run me over. What good would that have been huh? I’ve already lost someone so important and loving to me I do not think I can do the same to my friends and family. But in all honesty who am I kidding? Sometimes these thoughts roll on through like a train without breaks and just keep on trucking until it has reached a dead end…then reverses and starts a new idea and ‘sad’ process… Story of my life.

I’ve had some moments where I would literally throw myself against my bedroom walk. I would move my furniture and run into the wall and bounce back with such a headache and pain. Why?  I wanted the thoughts and voices to stop; to just shut up and leave me alone. Uncontrollable thoughts I wished I was in control of started to consume my mind, body, and soul again and I thought well, what better way to get ride of them by ‘knocking them out’.

Then I met a nice decent caring gentleman. A young man whom I thought would be a great addition to my life. We connected right away and I felt like I could talk to him about any and everything and he helped me rebuild my faith, something I lost when my friend passed away. And so we bonded and talked for almost a month.  I really started to like this guy and I haven’t felt this way for someone in a while since everything that has happened to me. So I told him. And of course I received the usual …”I’m flattered but I don’t feel or see you in the same way and the right person will come …”.  I lost part of my soul and dignity in life that day the moment those words were uttered.  So here I am writing this entry about ‘Is it bad that I’ve lost hope?’ because I’ve lost hope again in new beginnings…foundations…relationships…life. I’m a failure… I had to have done or said something in that month to ‘make’ him not like me…I didn’t tell him at all that I was bipolar and suffer from clinical depression. That’s my personal business and I was afraid that if I did open up about it to him, it would have turned him away. It wasn’t for long that my manic side showed through and my borderline personality disorder. I transformed into this different person when he told me how he felt and I overreacted and he witnessed it from the beginning to the end. Our friendship ended on a terrible note and I was the driving force behind it. Of course, I thought things were looking up in my life, I had my two best friends in my life, classes were going great, social life back in full effect and a possible new relationship in the works… but the latter was tainted because of the true person I am on the inside…

And so now I question…where is hope? Where is this desire or exception for certain things to happen in my life. I mean yes I am alive and well and healthy and happy but hope? I’ve lost it…again…and now I just do not know if ‘living’ is what I want to do..Do I truly want to sit around and wait for things to happen? If so, I need to learn to be patient but of course manic and patience are never used in the same sentence.

In the meantime, I do have other things to focus and work on and I do have the right people standing behind me. I thought I would feel different 7 months later, but there is still a root deep down inside of me ready to break away from the trunk of life I’ve established thus far…only time will tell.

19 thoughts on “Is It ‘Bad’ That I’ve Lost Hope…Again?”

  1. Phoenix, I am concerned about you. You have described some disturbing thoughts and behaviors that you have experienced this past semester. Are your psychiatrist and therapist fully aware of what you shared here? I do hope so. I wish you mental health recovery. The image of you sitting on a train track upsets me very much. When I was a freshman at UCLA, I wanted to die. I know how horrible, what a living hell, that is. I reach out over cyberspace to give you (((hugs))) and let you know that it can get better.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks so much Kitt. They are not aware of this yet…since I’ve had to cancel a few sessions as the semester picked up but no worries I plan to see them both first thing once my finals are complete. Thank you so much for your concern I really do appreciate it it helps when someone else can relate.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Might be controversial but in my opinion: No it is not ‘bad’ that you have lost hope. Neither is it ‘good’. It just is.

    Living with bipolar and BPD your feelings and your thoughts are your symptoms. You have lost hope, that is where you currently are.It is a symptom of your current mental health. But you added an ‘again’ to the end of the sentence. You have lost hope before. Likely you have lost hope too many times to count. You have now lost hope again. And it is highly, highly likely you will lose hope again in the future.

    But there is a flip side to that. You had hope. You have had hope too many times in the past to count. You had hope before you lost it this time around and you will have it again in the future.

    Sometimes it is a comfort, sometimes it feels like a sentence, but bipolar means that it all comes back around. You will have hope, lose hope and gain it again. Nothing stays the same for us. Yes that means the good times end, sometimes disastrously so, but it also means the bad times end too. And when life is good to us it can be beautifully so.

    I am sorry to hear that this guy turned out to not be right for you. But that is what it is. HE was not right for YOU. One of the most toxic things about this illness is how it can affect those around us. Friends and family that we lose due to the symptoms of our illness. But there are some special souls that we meet in our lives, souls that may not share the road we walk but somehow walk their road alongside us, see us in all our glory and horror and do not shy away. It sounds like maybe your two friends at school are some of these souls.

    I’m not going to say that the right one will come along, or just be patient. Sometimes people walk their road without a lover by their side. I don’t know why. But I also know that very little in this life is set in stone. If you are meant to have a lover by your side it will happen. If you are not then it won’t. But that doesn’t reflect on who you are. Even with a lover by your side they do not define you, they do not make you who you are, they just walk along side.

    I don’t know you very well, only through your posts here. But from that little information I know that you have been walking a hard road, and I know the strength that requires. You are a strong woman. If you are so far gone that most of what I have said is brushed away by the negative thoughts then just take away this message.

    Be kind to you, not because you deserve it or any reason other than that the people that you have touched in this life request it.


    Liked by 2 people

  3. There is always room for hope, just never lose it about yourself. Live your life and enjoy what it has to offer. I think it is reasonable to have expectations for yourself but try to enjoy what life throws your way.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It’s hard to know what other people are thinking and feeling. Geez, it’s hard to know what we are thinking and feeling with mental illness especially if the meds are wrong. I thought ot throwing myself under the train for 7 months, but then after going on the RIGHT medication (for me, seroquel), those suicidal thoughts immediately ended. As Kitt suggested, you probably need to be telling your doctors you are having these thoughts. I needed antipsychotic medication and NOT antideppresants as the antidepressants stimulated the mania and psychosis (including the suicidal thoughts which I then set a date to take my life), which was not a good thing. It’s only now being on antispyschotics that I can correctly perceive the situation I am dealing with and friends have confirmed that my perception is correct nowadays. And on seroquel, no more suidical thoughts either! Good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I understand what losing hope feels like, I felt this way for months on end during my depression this past year. Hope is a beautiful thing though, wait for it to reappear in your life because it will. I understand so much of what it feels like to lose relationships because of mental illness, whether it’s because of actions that I did while manic, or because of the distance I create because I don’t feel like I can truly reveal myself and be accepted. As hard as it is there are those that we love and love us that help in dealing with these type of thoughts on a daily basis. I hope that you continue to find your strength and know that life can change in an instant, and it so often does. Hope is a light that we so often cannot see but it’s there, despite your current loss of hope you still know that it’s there, waiting to be picked up again. I wish you the best.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I would like to offer my Love and prayers for your recovery and comment in particular about one thing you said about – “the true person I am inside.” YOU are NOT your ILLNESS. Mental illness is not a character defect, It is an illness, like diabetes is an illness and cancer is an illness. YOU are the one observing your illness and its effects on you and on your relationships with others. I like that you tell people you are “not yourself.” That is exactly right. Diabetes and cancer are both life-threatening and so is your bipolar disorder and you must fight for your life just as hard, maybe harder because your thought processes are involved and it makes it difficult. I hope you will be able to work with your doctors and therapist around action plans for your safety when you feel an episode coming on. I have unipolar depression and panic attacks, which are bad enough but my grandson has bipolar disorder and I watch him struggle and try to support him. Holding you in the Light. hugs, gerry

    Liked by 1 person

  7. (( big hug )).
    I concur with Kitt, please, tell your doctors what is going on, especially your thoughts as you go to the train tracks and “knocking them out” feeling.

    The shit thing, and good thing, about relationships is that it takes 2 people to exist. A lot of the time deeper feelings are not shared, and that is not anyone’s fault – not yours, not his. I still struggle with this perspective, which I learnt the hard way when I developed feelings for straight friends.

    You may be able to salvage the friendship that you had, if you want to. How you reacted when he told you that he didn’t feel the same way may have been a way your mind reacted to the stress, as a way of defence. Sure, it wasn’t pleasant or rational, but he may be understanding. Good friends are hard to find.

    One day at a time … I hope to find more hope and desire for life; right now it is hard to find in myself. But I also hope to be content, maybe even happy, with what ever my state of mind.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Thought or Reply!

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s