9 Months & Counting

December 12, 2014  11:37 PM

I’m hurt.  I am genuinely hurt. Words cannot describe how I feel or how hurt I am. I miss my best friend I truly do. The days are grower colder and the nights are getting longer, but the love for my friend will never freeze or become tarnish. I find myself randomly going about my day and all of a sudden in a blink of an eye a hollow tear will fall gracefully from my eye and sweep the dust particles away on my face. I weep and weep and weep, weeping that she will come back, praying that she will come back, and seeking that what she did was not true. Inevitable. My love for her is still whole, but a part of my heart died the day she took her own life. And so I sit and ponder, to wonder where was I in her deepest hour of need. Why was I not there to comfort and hold her beautiful hand? She’s not around to hold mine and so I too have thought about letting go. I think about the afterlife. Life after death. The palace of everlasting dreams and a painless retreat. I want to be there with her. To see her beautiful face as she grace the center stage and braces the coming storm with her powerful words. She was and is a fighter. She did not lose her battle to depression and bipolar. No. She fought the treason all the way to end. I am walking on a cold and shallow Earth; I am not the same anymore because she is no longer here to gallop through the field of bright yellow sunflowers in summer or roll around in the white powdery fluffy snow this winter. She is gone. They say ‘spirits leave the body after death and surround loved ones near and far’.  And she is with me. She is with us. I know because she shows herself in the little things. But I want to see her, that smile, those eyes, the nose, those fingernails. I need to hear voice. I need to hear her say ‘I love you babygirl’. I want to hug her and squeeze the air out of her chest and hear her yell , ‘Stoppp, you are crushing me’ and then kiss my nose. I am losing track of the number of tears I have shed because I miss her so much. But I have not and will not lose track of the seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, and months she has left this blue and green Earth.

9 months & counting I am still hopeless, confused, depressed, sad, angry, miserable, numb, angry, and weak.

9 months & counting I still write your name in the upper right hand corner of my class notes.

9 months & counting I cry at 5:14 PM, the time I received the news that you were gone and I fell to my knees in disbelief and bawled like a newborn baby.

9 months & counting I hear your voice in the wind and turn my head sharply hoping to see your full figure staring right back at me.

9 months & counting continuing to find the peace to bear with the sadden news.

9 months & counting know that you are loved and will always be loved by me, your family, friends, your peers and classmates.

9 months & counting I will always love you.

13 thoughts on “9 Months & Counting”

  1. More moving than my words could ever tell you.
    You still have so many of the blessings she brought to your life, deep within you where they are safe from the cold, uncaring world around us.
    She left you with the strength to pass those blessings on to others in her place.
    Never knew her, don’t even know her name, will never see the sparkle in her eyes or feel the warmth of her smile, but through you, I know we’ve all lost a precious spirit.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Youre not the only one that misses her best friend. My best friend chose career over me. I felt hurt and heartbroken. 12 yrs old friendship just dissapeared into thin air.


  3. I lost a friend to suicide nearly five years ago and I still miss her deeply. I miss her laugh, her bright and sunny personality, I miss her bizarre, random questions that made me think in way that I never had before. I never realized the pain she was in even though we talked nearly every day. I got an email from her one night thanking me for being her friend, telling me she loved me. The next day she was gone. I never saw it coming.

    From everything you have written about her, it sounds like you were much closer to her than I was to my friend. I can’t imagine the pain you are feeling. I know that at nine months I still felt like I had been hit by a truck and cried every day.

    It may sound impossible right now, but it does get better eventually. When I think of my friend now, I smile far more often than I cry. I think the last time I cried when thinking about her was the anniversary of her death last January. The extreme guilt I felt for not knowing the pain she was in, or being to save her has mellowed into more of disappointed resignation. I did what I could, sadly it was not enough.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I am so, so sorry for your loss!!! I fervently hope that you do not follow her in another suicide, you will leave another trail of tears, hurt, and future possible suicides. Your post was very powerful and reminds me why I must cling to life, even when I don’t want to.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. It has been so long since you’ve written.
    I hope you are ok.
    having lost someone you loved so dearly, and feeling you were not there for them….that is the part that rang out to me in this piece. You wondered…where were you in her time of need. My dear, you can’t think like that. a person who is facing the demons of suicide can often not hear the angels around them. I’ve faced it before. I’ve attempted. I would not have been able to hear anyone who tried to help when I was being called by the dark lady who promised me a release from the pain. I was lucky that I was found, that I was saved. I fought it at first, but I finally got the help I really needed. I was able to fight the demons and the dark lady was no longer so attractive.
    But no one would have been able to stop me when I was at my deepest despair. Please know, it wasn’t you. I’m sure she always loved you, and wanted to be with you. She simply could not fight the demons any more, the pain was too great.
    I wish I had realized what was happening before I got to that stage.
    I wish I would have been able to get help before I ever got to the point that the dark lady was so enticing.
    But I didn’t. That was no one’s fault. I was young and everyone thought my Bipolar was “hormones”….I lived in a place where I don’t think anyone had even heard of such a thing. manic depression was something murderers had.
    I’m not saying nothing can be done to help those who are suicidal, but I am saying that often there aren’t signs, and there really isn’t a way for those closest to them to help….perhaps they are just too close.

    sorry I’m rambling.

    I hope you are okay.
    I miss your writing. xo

    Liked by 1 person

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