Category Archives: Rebirth

The Rebirth – Stage II: Reconnection

July 10, 2014  9:55 AM

I am happy to say The Rebirth- Stage I is underway and my self-esteem is growing despite my most recent relapse. Now it is time to begin Stage II in the process. I’d like to call the next phase of my rebirth: reconnection. My goal here is to reconnect with 3 things:

  1. Myself
  2. People
  3. Life

Of course, in that order. I cannot reconnect with my life until I re-get-to-know myself because there have been some new additions to my life. Some of the new additions include mental illness diagnosis, change in self-image, and medications. I will walk you through how I plan to reconnect with the three subsets listed above and the areas where I am going to need support from you, family, and especially my friends (support team).

  1. RECONNECT WITH SELF:  Nobody knows yourself better than you do; not even your significant other. So what do I want to get from this ‘self-connection’? Inner peace with myself and the situations that are going on in my life is the main outcome. I want to feel energized, something that is a challenge for me due to the severe depression but when I say “energized” I am not referring to ‘the Pink Energizer bunny’ who wants to run on high speed all day long. No! Energized!  The action and inner feeling of being enthusiastic in myself and the work I do.  Prime example, blogging everyday for me makes me feel ‘energized’ requires to little to no effort but I feel at peace. In this reconnection with self process I also want to feel secure in what I do for enjoyment or relaxation. I want to become one with myself and feel protected in doing so.  Here is what I plan to do to reconnect with myself:
  •  APPRECIATE SILENCE & SPEND TIME IN IT! – Yes, silence. Pure quietness and elimination from all distractions including, the Tube, computer/laptop, game stations, books/newspapers/articles, and people. Just sit in silence  and listen to my heart beat and my breath. In doing so, I hope to connect with the present and the fact that I am alive; I am here living in a healthy body. Now of course with silence comes thinking which can lead to getting into your head and stirring up thoughts: good or bad. And this is okay…if you are not thinking then there may be a problem. As I spend time in silence I want to connect with those lost thoughts pertaining to humor or animals that I just never take the time to think about because I tend to focus on ‘how to get through this day knowing I have triggers, bipolar, ADHD, depression, Autism, etc. etc. ‘ Take this time to focus on the obscure.
  • BECOME ONE WITH NATURE! – There is life all around us. From the tiniest seed in the dirt to the giraffe standing above us, life is every where. Now, I do not know about you but I am not a nature kinda gal. However, I want to be able to appreciate my life which I am living for a purpose. What better way to connect with your inner self than becoming one with nature. This can range from taking a hike through one of the highest mountains, watching the sun set or rise, visit the zoo, sit and roll around in the grass or make eye contact with a bee (please, be careful and try not to get stung!). I want to connect my life and growth through nature and use it as a source to develop my inner happiness and appreciation for my life.
  • LIBERATE THOSE FEELINGS! – Break loose from the feelings that consume you. I tend to keep my feelings inside until I build them to the highest level and finally I explode. Not this time around. I want to release my  inner feelings in order to get to my inner self. I view built up feelings and emotions as a “clog” in my system which causes discomfort and irritability. And, I do not want that. I want to be free and not have an extra burden on my shoulder. So, I plan to release these feelings one by one, as they come until I’ve reached that equilibrium state with myself. [I am an engineering major Student so I just had to throw in the word ‘equilibrium’ please, bear with me!] Releasing those feelings can be in the form of telling someone, writing it down, self – talk, or through a fun activity whatever seems best to me or you.

Time to ACCEPT self: myself!

  1. RECONNECT WITH PEOPLE: People! A small part of me is deathly afraid to reconnect with people again after what happened and being hospitalized. I am afraid of others judging me, talking about me, and calling me out of my name. I am afraid that my mental illness will sneak up from under the covers and reveal itself to the people around me and they will walk away. But I cannot continue to be afraid and confine myself in this bubble anymore. No! I accept my illness and I accept who I am. So why should I continue to hide something that is apart of me now? Exactly. If you cannot accept my illness than you most certainly do not deserve me in your life. So please step aside if you are not willing to get to know me. When I reconnect with people, I want to be me and not feel like I have to walk on eggshells to hide a small part of me. I want to be open with others and gain their trust.
  • GENEROSITY! – I believe and know for a fact I am a genuine person. As I begin to reconnect with people, I want to spread the generosity; be open with them in hopes that they, too, will be open with me. I want to show concern for them as well in hopes that they will express concern for my well being too.
  • ATTENTION! ALL EYES ON YOU! – That’s right all eyes on you, not me. The biggest thing I tend to do with people is throw them under the bus and push them away when something stormy happens in the relationship. Unfortunately, this is why I have lost some tremendously good people in my life all because I did not pay much attention to them. ( I let the BPD get to me). This time around I plan to be in control of my actions when it comes to developing relationships with other people and making sure that I give them the love, support, and attention they need too. Because in reality, honey, it is not all about me. And there have been times when I wanted the world to stop and have everyone look at me. When people tell me they ‘love me’ and ‘care about me’ I need to be open and convince myself that yes, they really do mean it and not question what they are telling me. I plan to invest time in getting to know others for who they are too and not just dish out my entire life story on the first date or hang-out session with them. It is time for me to shut up and listen!
  • RESPECT THE SPACE!- Yes, space. I need to give others their space. I tend to be so pushy it is unbelievable I should have been a “push pop” or something. Anyways, if I want to reconnect with other people and want them to get to know me and be my friend I need to give them their space as well and know that if they genuinely like me they will come around. I just need to have faith in the other person.

Let others have some CONTROL, but do not let them be in CONTROL of you.

  1. RECONNECT WITH LIFE: Finally, the most important thing: life. I need and want to reconnect with my life. I feel like I am just living life in order to get through the day but not truly appreciating it. This is all going to change. I plan to reconnect with my life by having fun, lighten-up a little, and reassess my priorities: what exactly is important to me in this life?
  • ENJOY THE SIMPLE & LITTLE THINGS! – That’s right. I need to enjoy the little things and the finer things in life.
  • SIMPLIFY LIFE! – I am a complicated individual and with that comes a complicated life. I love to simplify equations, but I can barely simplify my life. I plan to live my life the way I want to live it. I need to not make things harder on myself and avoid stressful situations. I need to learn that it is okay to sit back, relax, and take things easy & take a break from things. Try not to dwell on major life events.
  • CREATE A MANTRA & LIVE BY IT! – The best way to reconnect with my life is to own it. What better way to own something than create a saying, a mantra, to define it. It is my life and I am in control of what happens in it. Some mantras I plan to use are: “I am in control” “This is my life and I am living it now” “My illness will not define me” etc. What is your life mantra?

Life is a gift, it is my present, I plan to unwrap it the way I choose to unwrap it and share it with those I want to share it with.

I am excited to reconnect with myself, life, and people. Of course, I can only handle so much at the moment; I plan to focus on each subset one at a time and spend a month or two or however long I feel is necessary until I feel comfortable moving onto the next subset.

I am ready to rise from the burning ashes of old connections; time to make new connections.

 

 

**Warning** I’ve Relasped. Please, Help Me.

July 9th, 2014  8:20 AM

**TRIGGER WARNING**: This post contains severe suicidal ideation and extreme depressive comments/remarks. Please read at risk. If at any point you have been triggered I advise you to stop reading, call the suicide prevention hotline number ( 1-800-273-8255) or talk to someone immediately. Thank you.


I would have never thought this would happen again; exactly what am I talking about here? Relapsing. I am falling back into my former depressive and suicidal state. But how could this be? Why could this be? Everything was and is going great for me. I take my medications every day, I continue to  be focused and remain positive, I am back in the habit of doing the things I love to do, seeing my therapist/psychiatrist regularly…so why is this happening? Treatment and hospitalization definitely helped me recognize the signs when I start to relapse or  go back to my old ways and I acknowledged all the signs early this morning.

Yesterday and all the weeks prior, I was feeling great. I felt happy, something I did not feel in a while. I had energy to do so many  things and I could think coherently and make appropriate decisions for myself without second guessing. But last night when the clock struck 1:00 AM I completely switched to the old me the night before my most recent suicide attempt.

It started with THE CRY: THE SOURCE. I cried and cried, literally bawled my eyes  out until my body could not cry anymore. My body, mainly my chest, was in so much pain from crying, something that typically happens when I simultaneously cry and hyperventilate. Before I started to cry, I was sitting at my laptop responding to comments and listening to music. Nothing sad or depressing was in the mix. I completely shut down and dropped everything I was doing. I walked into the kitchen and sat in the corner facing the knife section. I continued to sobbed.

Next, THE VOICES, THE THOUGHTS, THE SELF-TALK: THE STIMULUS. I sat in the corner and tried my best to stop crying. My cellphone was in my lap, I wanted to call a friend to discuss what started to happen, but as I scrolled through my contact list I could not recognize a “friend” anywhere in my contacts. I looked up at the ceiling and heard a voice, I started to hear the voices again. They confirmed and told me I did not have any friends and that nobody loves me and I, too, do not love myself. Of course, I responded and told them that was not true…I do have friends, and people who love me and I love myself and life so much right now. But no. The voices did not want to hear it. The voices started to yell at me and told me I am a low-life, no good person who wants to save the world but in reality needs to save herself first. They told me the people I really think are my friends do not care that I have a mental illness and that’s the reason why my friends have yet to call or check in on me. I broke down; I curled into a ball in the corner of the kitchen and cried. The voices told me the truth, what they were saying was true. It all made sense why my friends do not contact me…they do not want to deal with me: the psycho Homo Sapien. I started to panic.

The suicidal thoughts and negative self-talk marched in. I started to bang my head against the wall until the back of my head started to bleed. I did not feel anything…I felt so numb and warm. I started to sweat profusely. I ran to my laptop where I typed the following on a sticky note on my dashboard,

” I secretly need help I do. I am still hurting. Why am I hurting? I cry because if I took my life it would really be over like for good and I wouldn’t get to see what I’ve done to the people around me. Okay in my mind yes they will be hurt, not temporarily but forever. But I do want to hurt them forever because they all hurt me. You all hurt me.  There is another part of my mind that tells me they will only hurt in that moment because I am not physically here for them to hold. Well if you wanted to hold me you had your chance…you just did not reach out…which is your loss not mine. I cannot hold myself forever, you know. I cannot figure out why I feel the way I do but I do. My mind is standing on the edge of a cliff; there is one half of me that wants to stay but I just cannot stand here anymore….what can’t I just stay huh? And be happy and loved…Here I am sobbing in front of my computer because I am suffering. I am mentally and emotionally hurting. Nobody likes me not even my own blood sisters. I am afraid to wake up and face the day knowing that something can set off my triggers and I go bananas and flip the hell out. WHY CAN’T I JUST GET MY DAMN WAY? Oh right I forgot that is life, this is life…you cannot always get what you want and so on. And so I have a life for what reason exactly? Please someone tell me. Why have a life when you cannot get the things you want like happiness and love? I want to die but why can’t this happen? I try and do, try and do and it does not freakin’ happen. I want to be stable and happy every single goddamn day of my life and not have these moments like right now where I want to take the kitchen knife and stab myself 7 times and bleed profusely and have my family find me dead the next morning, dead on the kitchen floor drowning in my own pool of blood. I JUST CANNOT DO THIS ANYMORE. I am hurt…I’ve been hurt…I am hearing too many voices right now and I have a serious headache and cannot think. Oh my goodness I cannot breathe…I am dying…YES…I am dying…can someone please tell me I am dying…wait…Self check: *pinch*: Nope! I am still here..Okay, onto Round 2.”

I wrote this at 1:12 AM this morning. This is how I felt at 1 AM this morning. All of sudden, I went from having a jolly day and a happy spirit to this in a matter of hours. So what happened after I wrote this ?

THE (INTERRUPTED) RESPONSE happened. Yes, my response to the voices and suicidal thoughts were interrupted meaning I did not go through with the actions. After I typed my feelings and thoughts, I walked into the kitchen and poured myself a tall glass of cold water. I walked over to the knife station and pulled out the biggest and sharpest knife and laid it down in front of me. I started to tap my fingers on the counter-top and told myself, “Look here, I can do this all it takes is either one slit to the throat or a quick stab and pull out. You got this now do it.” I did not do it. I did not stab myself. Reality touched me for a quick second and I placed the knife back in its spot. I told myself, “I do not want to die. I cannot die. I have so much to live for…” Literally, 20 seconds later I found myself walking over to the pill cabinet and removing both my Viibryd and Seroquel pill bottles. I opened up both. Each bottle contains 30 pills, I received my monthly refill that morning. Again, I tapped my fingers on the counter top and cried, “This is it. The moment you’ve always wanted for yourself. Take ALL of the pills now and you can be at peace with yourself. You do not have to hurt anymore. Here’s the water and the pills. Go.” Mind you I did not plan any of the above actions ahead of time, it happened abruptly.

All of a sudden a woman appeared in the darkness. I am not lying to you I could not believe my eyes. I actually feel stupid for writing this here in my blog but I have to share this. A woman appeared at my side…it was Emily, my friend who passed away recently, she stood right next me. She was in her tan prom dress and had her hands on her hips like she always did and addressed me by my full name, including my middle name, as she always did and said to me, “For heavens sake, what are you doing dear. This is ridiculous. I am so sorry I hurt you and everyone. But, dear it is not your time yet. Please get your butt to bed and sleep your pretty little head off. I love you always baby girl.” And she walked away. I heard her voice….I saw her one last time. I closed the pills bottles, put them back on the shelf, shut my laptop, and went to bed. I have no idea whether or not what happened was real but I do believe it and will always believe what I heard and saw.

Here I am on this whimsical Wednesday morning writing this post and sharing my story once again. Eating a slice of wheat toast and took my morning meds. I know this blog is about my rebirth , but I do consider what happened last night a stage in my rebirth. I relapsed late last night/early this morning and wanted to take my life again, but I did not. Reality weaved in and out of my head until I put my foot down and told reality to stop and stay here. I did not take action last night and I am so proud of myself for finding it deep within myself to not take the 60+ prescription antidepressants or stab myself. I am so proud I called the Suicide Prevention Crisis Hotline number at 3:00 AM and spoke to a kind man about what happened earlier. For those who have doubts and feel there is no point in calling the hotline number, you are wrong! It was an excellent experience and the person did not ask me a series of questions he listened, gave me advice on what I should do like call my therapist and tell my mother. If you are suffering I highly recommend you to call the number. Please.

I am so proud I called my therapist this morning ,told him what happened and re-scheduled my session for an earlier time. Yes, this was a small bump in the road, a short relapse, but I took control of the crisis and I took control of my life.

I am in control of my life!

The Rebirth – Stage I : Self-Esteem

July 6th, 2014  2:35 pm

The majority of my viewers and followers know my story and I believe it is now time for me to start the rebirth process of my life and reclaim the following:

  • self-control
  • trust (in my family and close friends)
  • happiness
  • love
  • positivity
  • worthiness
  • self-confidence
  • courage
  • ambition
  • my life

I currently lack all of the qualities and attributes listed above. I should not be too hard on myself since I am still in the early stages of my recovery. I am ready to put the pieces of my life back together, but I cannot do so until I work on the list above. Of course, this is not a one week or one month process. No. This is going to take several months, maybe years, until I feel fully confident that yes I am worthy to live and yes I, too, should be happy. But, focusing on the here and now, I feel pretty “low” and “negative” about myself. Something that I’ve struggled with for several years and finally I’ve received the answers as to why I think, feel, and act the way I do. I was recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). But I am not going to let BPD define my actions and be the reason I cannot love myself and have stable relationships with other people.

The first step or stage in the rebirth of my life is SELF-ESTEEM. I have a very low and poor self-esteem probably the lowest of all esteems one can ever feel about his/or herself.  Here’s a little taste of my self-esteem:

  • Nobody likes me because I am a nerd, weird, and awkward.
  • Amongst my close girlfriends I am the “ugly duckling” and fat. At parties guys do not talk to me because I wear glasses and have a chubby face.
  • I am a disappointment to myself and family because I am not the “normal” child.
  • In order to get people to like me I have to do everything they tell me to do and “buy” them things to get them to like me.
  • I am a failure because I got one question wrong on a test; I am a failure because I will not be graduating with my Bachelors in 4-years
  • I do not deserve this job or acceptance to this University /program because I am so stupid and a complete low-life.
  • My suggestion to the group is pointless, they all think I am dumb anyway.

And the list goes on and on. I say something poor about myself almost once a day. I share my poor self-esteem with others almost every day. (My family hears the core of it every day). Most of the statements above usually end with the following sentence , “…and because of this I am going to kill myself.” My self-esteem is beyond poor to the point where 9 times out of 10 I make suicidal threats and self-harm (cut or burn myself, I usually burn).

Before I reestablish my goals and reclaim my life, I must build up my self-esteem by working on my self-image and creating a stable sense of myself. I’ve never had a positive self-image of myself; I’ve always had a distorted image since the age of 13 hence why I have a history of anorexia. I am not quite sure why my brain tends to focus so much on my appearance, but obviously it is a big factor in my poor self-esteem. Recently, I’ve gained ~20 lbs in the past two months due to my mood stability/Bipolar medication, Seroquel. Every medication has some sort of side effect and of course I am on the one that makes people gain weight rather than lose! The only clothes that fit me are t-shirts, tights, and sweatpants. Sexy right? I feel great, but look absolutely horrendous!

I am planning to return back to school next month in hopes to finish my degree. I want to go back to school feeling better than before: emotionally and physically. So starting this week I will be going on ‘The Rebirth Diet’ which will include the following:

  • Drink nine-8 oz glass of water a day. **Do not drink ice tea! (it’s my favorite)**
  • Eat fruits (include grapefruit) & vegetables daily. **Make a salad instead of eating Doritos**
  • Portion foods : half cup servings and slices instead of whole.
  • Limit daily intake of carbohydrates and starches (especially pasta)
  • Limit sweets & dessert (sorry brownies).
  • No sauces, spices, or dressings.
  • Exercise: walk, jog, run for ~30 minutes four times a week.
  • Use positive reinforcement daily: “great job” “good effort” etc & positive self-talk.

This diet was discussed with my psychiatrist who recommended the following above to combat the weight gain from the Seroquel.

Hopefully I can shed a few pounds and increase my self-esteem during the process.

I am ready to rise from the burning ashes of poor self-esteem.