Tag Archives: 1-800-273-8255

The 7 Letter Word That Scares The Living Daylights Out of Humans.

September 27, 2014  11:38 PM

Having thoughts of suicide is an under-statement.
Having the urge to take my life is an over-statement.
Telling others that I am suicidal is a selfish-statement.
I am suicidal, this is the accurate-statement.

If I cannot be honest you, then why should I be honest with me?
Here I am sitting in a dark corner
Hovering my life into one quiet shell.
The only light shining in the midst of the room
Is the glow from my cold heart.
Slowing frosting over the blemishes
I want to leave behind due to my depressive manic episodes.

I wrap my life-less hands around my circular body
In hopes to suffocate the inner life
Pumping through my fragile veins.
I touch the scars, the left behind marks
Of the single headed darts which you threw
At my mistakes,
My illness,
My mishaps,
My episodes,
My sensitivity,
My inner shyness,
My devoted love for you.

I stand up to rejection
I stand up to instability
I stand up to fear
But, for some odd reason
I just cannot seem to stand up for me.

This world is swallowing my flesh piece by piece.
Inch by inch
Life by life.
I am suicidal, this is my statement.
I’ve lost my battle
I’ve lost the fight
I’m in a constant struggle with thoughts, feelings, and everything in sight
And all I want to do is take action.

Suicide is not so taboo to me anymore
Suicide is my buggaboo who keeps me warm at night.
Yes, I dressed it as a person
I even dressed it up as my lover.
Bear with me and my rapid thoughts
As I shed the true defining light upon
The seven letter that scares the living daylights out of humans:

Today, I Overdosed.

August 2nd, 2014  8:09 PM

Today, I overdosed;
Made the courageous righteous decision to die
Of laughter, pain, fear, and sorrow.

Today, I overdosed;
As I watched the love of my life
Walk out and abandoned me on the front steps for another woman;
For someone more “appealing”, “long-standing”, “sensible”, and “happier” than I am.
There I was,
Out on a short limb stranded alone to die.
So I cried;
A tear for each friend I miraculously used my two bloody hands to push away;
A tear for the vigorous hearts I stepped upon and broke perfectly into two whole pieces.

Today, I overdosed;
As I tried to use my two feeble hands to pull the 6 inch knife out from my brawny back.
The knife you used to stab me in the back.

Today, I overdosed;
Because I was locked in a white room strapped to a musty hospital bed for 8 whole days with no one there to hold my hand.
I laid there for 8 whole days waiting patiently to hear that I’ve received a phone call from a loved one saying, “I love you”.
But, no.
I lifelessly hopelessly laid there.

Today, I overdosed;
Because my own flesh and blood want nothing more to do with me;
They cannot stand the naked sight of being related to
A maniac.
A psychotic, crazy Homo Sapien like me.

Today, I overdosed;
Because I slit my wrist 12 times for the pain each person has caused me in the last 12 hours.
I stained my warm blood on the cold ice presented to me.
There I sat and watched my contagious acute blood melt the living life out of something so glossy, solid, and frozen.

Today, I overdosed;
Because I was told
I am like a broken toy that cannot be fixed.
I am not worth replacing batteries for;
I am not worth another cent from a loved one’s wealthy pocket.

Today, I overdosed;
I received a call from my local bank saying I have $5.18 to my Golden name.
I am homeless.
I have no green cash to spend on clothes, food, or water.
Nobody wants to let this lost soul in
So, I decided to overdose.

Today, I overdosed;
I failed to call for help during
My manic, hypo-manic, depressive episode.
I tried to call, but there was no number to dial.
So, I decided to overdose.

Today, I overdosed;
Because I pulled the last straw of hope
From a gigantic bundle presented to me
After my most recent discharge from the hospital.
It split in half and fell nonchalantly to the rocky ground.
My hope is gone.
So, I decided to overdose.

I have found my inner happiness
And it is not to be here
Walking through the valley of this shallow Earth.

I have found my joy
And it is not to be here
Singing my painful song to an ignorant sea of sane adults.

I have found my peace
And it is not to be here;
But, it lies 10 feet above my tombstone
Beyond the depths of the bright Northern star.

Today, I overdosed;
To say goodbye to what could have been a happier tomorrow.

The events presented and illustrated above are true experiences of mine. Not all of them are situations I have experienced but I have witnessed and felt. I wrote this for others, like myself, who can relate to the pain, thoughts, feelings and uncontrollable behaviors of various mental illnesses during different episodes. Please, seek help if this post has triggered any sensitive sensors in your life or call the suicide prevention hotline number, 1-800-273-8255.

I Promise, I Will Not Commit Suicide.

July 22, 2014  11:35 AM

I am lost
In this melancholy
Shriveled up World.
I cannot do anything
But let my soul
Weave in and out
Of banal consciousness.

I’ve come to the core
Of this valuable Earth
To realize
I, too, have a
To walk this
Green apple Earth
Just like everyone else.

For this
I have to say
I promise, I will not commit suicide.

I promise, to only surround myself with positive and insightful people.
I promise, I will not commit suicide.

I promise, to not let myself or anyone else tell me that I am not worth living.
I promise I will not commit suicide.

I promise, to let people in and allow them to tell me I am loved and amazing.
I promise, I will not commit suicide.

I promise, to convince myself that others will miss my presence.
I promise, I will not commit suicide.

I promise, there will be a time when things will get better and I will be so glad I decided to keep on living.
I promise, I will not commit suicide.

I promise, to let the good times roll and enjoy the little things in life.
I promise, I will not commit suicide.

I promise, to be patient and wait for the day I will meet that special someone who is created to sweep me off my feet.
I promise, I will not commit suicide.

I promise, to prove people wrong; prove the ones who doubted me of my success and purpose.
I promise, I will not commit suicide.

I promise, to not fight the days when my mental illness tries to consume my mind, body, and soul; I will not let it bring me down into a deep despair to lose meaning in my life.
I promise, I will not commit suicide.

I promise, to embrace my mental illness and embrace the unique person I am.
I promise, I will not commit suicide.

I promise, to achieve my goals and dreams  in hopes to one day touch the lives of others who are struggling out there like me.
I promise, I will not commit suicide.

I promise, to believe when others tell me “I love you”.
I promise, I will not commit suicide.

I promise, to be open and reach out to loved ones during the darkest, loneliest moments in my life.
I promise, I will not commit suicide.

I promise, to let others in and not seclude myself from reality.
I promise, I will not commit suicide.

I promise, to accept my mental illness and to not question it, but most certainly not blame it for why I act and behave the way I do.
I promise, I will not commit suicide.

I promise, to believe that there are people out there who are genuinely willing to get to know the real me.
I promise, I will not commit suicide.

I promise, to share my story in hopes to help others who are struggling silently to overcome their battle with mental illness.
I promise, I will not commit suicide.

I promise, to convince myself there are people out there who rely and need me in their life in order to survive.
I promise, I will not commit suicide.

I promise, to not hurt my family, friends, and loved ones.
I promise, I will not commit suicide.

I am now at ease;
I am now at peace;
I can finally see
The power to cease
The troublesome beliefs
That I, too,
Have a unique reason
To eat,
And to live all the way
To eternity;
I promise, I will not commit suicide.

Reasons Why I Know I Am Not Going To Live A Full Life.

July 21, 2014  12:31 PM

Thursday night I had dinner with a good friend of my mine and I shared my recent suicide attempt in May. At first I was hesitant to share what exactly happened, but she reassured me that she just wanted to listen and hear me speak. I talked for 2 hours sharing my insight into what led to my decision to take my life and she did an excellent job listening to every word I had to say. Half way through our conversation she noticed a change in my body language: I started to fidget, cry, and talk with my head down. She asked me, “There is something you are not telling me.” And she was right. I was hiding something; something huge, something that I have not told anyone but my therapist and psychiatrist. Deep down I was struggling to find the courage to tell her that I know I am not going to live a full life because I know that one day in the future I am going to attempt suicide again and whenever that day and time is, it will mark the end of what could have been a full life.

So I told her; I told her blatantly that I know I am not going to live a full life because I do see another attempt in the future, a successful attempt. I felt a huge relief and a heavy burden lifted off of my shoulder when I said those heartbreaking words. We sat in silence; she reached for my hand and squeezed it tightly and told me, “I am hurt to hear you say that, you truly just broke my heart. What can I do to help?” I cried. She did not cry; she remained strong on my behalf and asked me to tell her why I cannot see myself living a full life.  I stopped crying and puckered up and started to speak 80 miles per hour; I poured my heart and soul out on the dinner table sharing something I locked away since my discharge.

I told her the following reasons why I know I am not going to live a full life. She did not judge me; she did not question my decisions, she was very open-minded and listened to me.

  1. My Depression is Too Much To Handle.  Yes I am getting the help I need to control my depression: medication and psychotherapy. Together, both help create a stable mood and stable mentality however, not a day goes by where I do not have a severe depressive episode. It is starting to become overwhelming when I notice the changes in my mood and behavior and start to think suicidal thoughts. It’s as if my depression is slowly but surely starting to grow into a much bigger and darker cloud where my mind can no longer present a small ray of sunshine to break the storm.  I know that I cannot only rely on the medication and psychotherapy to help alleviate the depression, I , too, must do my part as well. And I am trying so hard to get through those depressive episodes but all I can think of are the following: I am a useless burden on my parents, they are spending so much money on my therapy sessions and medication and I still having suicidal thoughts; everyone around me would be much better off if I was extinct , their life would be better without my presence to deal with a “psycho” like me.
  2. Hope, Is All Gone. I’ve lost all hope in myself and for my future. Yes, I do believe in myself and in my hopes and dreams but there is a small part of me that knows there is no hope for me to accomplish the things I want to do without something setting off my triggers or knowing that I cannot get the one thing I want to complete my life and make me whole: love, being in a relationship with a guy that truly loves and appreciates me for who I am despite the fact that I have major depressive disorder and borderline personality disorder. There is no “hope” for me to get married in the future because who in the world wants to date/marry someone like me who swims in depression and suicidal thoughts all the time. No one is going to want to date someone like me. Why? Because I am going to put them through hell if I actually follow through with my actions and take my life. And the last thing I want to do is hurt someone else. Besides being “in love” I honestly lost hope to accomplish my lifelong dream to become a University professor. I no longer have the hope to apply, get accepted into graduate school and earn my Ph.D in a subject area I truly love to study all because my hope is crushed by the severe depression.
  3. Fear & Frustration. I’ve had enough of trying to fight through my severe depressive episodes in order to thrive towards success and seeing the positive to live a prosperous life. Every time I try to convince myself the “good” my life has in store for me, something “negative” shows up like “I am not going to get a decent job or internship because my grade point average is well below the mean” or “This guy is not going to ask me out on a date because I am highly sensitive and psychotic.” These thoughts come in and out of my head throughout the day and I’ve come to the point where I just do not know how much longer I can take trying to deal with the unknown. This leaves me being afraid to face the future knowing that I may not be successful or happy because of my mental illness. As I’ve always said before I do not and will not let my mental illness define me in any shape or form but I am honestly afraid that one day I am going to let it take over my life and drive me to insanity where I want to take my life again. I am afraid that I am going to experience a tremendous heartbreak and the only thing that my soul is going to want to do is commit suicide because I’ve been hurt.
  4. Too Many Regrets To Deal With.  Regrets are apart of life, however I am one to dwell on regrets from the past and let them consume me. There is a part me that just cannot live and move on from the regrets so I confine myself to the past. Some of my regrets are too much to bear and the only answer to get over those regrets is to simply take my life.

So what exactly am I going to do to try to convince myself that my life is worth living all the way to the end and accomplish my hopes and dreams?

First, the key thing I must have in my life in order to help create a stable outlook for my future is to surround myself with positive, uplifting, and encouraging people. One of my triggers are people who do not believe in the things I want to accomplish; if someone does not believe in me than I do not believe in myself and therefore I tend to withdraw myself from my goals and want to end my life.

I need support, care, and love. I need to be checked-in on whether it is daily, weekly, or monthly. I know I am not 2 years old but due to the current state I am in if no one checks in on me than my mind automatically translates that to “Nobody cares about me so why don’t I give them a reason to care by taking my life.” This does not make sense right? Exactly. But this is how I process and look at things. I know this is not normal and my therapist is doing an excellent job to help me  recognize when those thoughts arise what to do and I am doing my best to fight the urge to take my life.

I have dreams and I have goals too, it is just going to take me a little harder to find the true reason to convince myself that I am normal and have the power just like everyone else to accomplish whatever my heart and soul desires.

If you know a loved one struggling with severe depression or a mental illness, please make sure you check in on them.  Yes, everyone has a busy life with work, family, and life in general but you have no idea how much a simple phone call or even a text saying, “Hi, how are you. I just wanted to make sure you are okay today” can change someones demeanor or day in an instant.

My friends and family always say, “You know the phone works both ways.” And yes indeed that is true, but when someone, like myself, is severely depressed and going through an episode, we tend to throw all relevant people in our lives out the window and focus on the here and now. I make an effort to reach out to my friends and family when I know I am going through either a good or terrible moment to talk it out and get advice from them.

My goal for each day is to live the present day to the fullest and not to dwell on the fact that I have a mental illness. My goal in life is to be a voice for the ones out there who are struggling and to shed light on a difficult topic to discuss in today’s society: suicide.

Suicide: Why is it so important to me?

July 15th, 2014  10:19 AM

Suicide. Yes I said it. The one word almost everyone dreads to hear, think, or even talk about. But why? I am sure there are several reasons, even personal reasons, as to why people do not want to talk about suicide. Stigma is the common denominator between almost all the reasons one can think of. Yes, stigma. The annoying little voice who says, “you are a disgrace to feel, think, and behave the way you do because of anxiety, depression, ADHD, ADD, bipolar, depression, personality disorders, schizophrenia  etc.” This tiny voice actually speaks in a pretty loud voice for everyone to hear. And you know what? Its voice is so loud to the point where several people will stop and take the time to listen to the “stigma”.  I am not going to be a hypocrite here because there was a point in time when I used to listen to the “stigma” which is why I ignored my mental illness for several years.  So what was the “stigma” actually telling me?” Here are some words that I’ve heard from the “stigma” :

  • You are a Christian, you were raised in a Christian household, therefore if you commit suicide you will go to Hell and God will condemn you.  You are a sinner. Your family will disown you if you take your life.
  • You should be ashamed of yourself for even thinking ‘suicide’. You are weak, a true disgrace, and filthy.
  • Shut your mouth. You better not speak up about what is on your mind and stop crying! Do not say a word about how depressed you are feeling today to the point you want to commit suicide. You know the people around you are not going to believe you.
  • So you want help? You do not need ‘help’.  You better self-medicate or move on from the depressed, hopeless, loneliness feelings.

The list goes on and on.  At the age of 14 I started to obsess about suicide and suicidal thoughts/ideation. I became so obsessed to the point where I felt so comfortable speaking about suicide openly to close friends. Now of course this scared my friends greatly but it did not bother me one bit. The stories I read, I could relate to the feeling and pain of the characters. Then I learned about “suicidal threats” from a non – fiction book and started to use suicidal threats as a way to get people’s attention; essentially a cry for help and that I am truly hurting on the inside and need to be wanted, cared for, and loved.

Of course, the “suicidal threats” were not taken seriously and this made me mad, furious. So what did I do? I started to act out my threats and bring them to life as yet, another silent cry for help, attention, love, care  etc. This worked. But my parents tried to ignore the fact that their first daughter really did need professional help. I got the help I needed but there was still a miniscule part of me and my brain that just wanted to ‘suicide’. Yes this seems odd and like my psychiatrist puts it, there is a part of me that enjoys the methodology behind suicide because I can mentally and physically relate to the inner pain that causes such action. I’ve become so prone to the thoughts and feelings of suicide that I no longer show emotion towards the word. In other words, I tend to now smile get excited, and laugh openly when I talk about suicide and to others they find this offensive, weird, and crazy. I am currently working with my therapist to look deeper into why I am doing this and positive mechanisms/ tactics to use when such thoughts and feeling arise.

As most of you know my best friend recently committed suicide and you are probably wondering how I reacted to the news if suicide is greatly important to me. The day I found out she ‘suicide’ I completely shut down; loss significant touch with myself and my life.  I experienced the same natural grief anyone experiences during a significant loss of a loved one. I cried for hours, for days, for months because I lost someone who meant so much to me to something that is genuinely  important to me. I am not going to lie but a part of me was (somewhat still is)  jealous that she successfully ‘suicide’ and I’ve always failed.  Sounds terrible and sick right? Yes I know and I am aware of my thoughts but this is how my mind operates.

Why is suicide so important to me? Suicide is important to me because I feel like I am still a burden to the world, my family, and friends with everything that is going on with me. I feel like I am not retaining  and listening to the help I am receiving; I am not believing that my medications are truly working even when I feel happy, stable, and good.  In all honesty, there is a small part, probably around 15%, that just does not want to go on with life; does not want to deal with the rejection, anticipation, and all of the things we have to experience in life to learn what life is truly all about.

This 15% throws all the love, the care , the appreciation I get from family and friends out the door and focus on trying to make sense of what the world would be like if I was no longer physically in it anymore.

This 15% wants to say goodbye to the things  that I have difficulty doing like making friends, keeping a stable relationship with others, being happy in the things I enjoy doing, academics, etc.

This 15% does not want to return to and finish some of the most important things I’ve started because I am afraid of failure i.e. completing my Bachelors Degree in Chemical Engineering.

So what is the 85% doing? Living and appreciating the gift of life. The 85% is thankful for getting a second chance at life that many people do not get if they attempt suicide and it successfully happens. The 85% wants to seek help and be open about the feelings, and thoughts that come up in the middle of the night. The 85% wants to be strong and fight the stigma and show the world that yes, I can and will graduate with my Bachelors in Chemical Engineering despite the fact I have Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

The 85% recognizes the true purpose of life and what my passion is and the goals I want to achieve one day. I know one day I am going to speak at mental health conferences and share my story; I know that I am going to write and publish a book about my story; I know one day I am going to find true love and get married to someone who supports my illness and loves me for me.

The 85% recognizes the importance of psychotherapy and taking medication. I know and truly do believe my Viibryd and Seroquel are working to make me feel happier, stable, energized, and alert. I know that there are people out there who care and love me and want to be there for me. With that being said I will let them in and let them stay and lean on them.

Will the 85% increase and the 15% decrease? I honestly do not know. But what I do know is that I do believe in myself and love myself for who I am that I can recognize when I am getting ready to experience a downfall and suicidal thoughts/ideation. In that moment I know I have support people to go to and a hotline number to call. I know that I am not embarrassed to think, say, and feel the way I do because it is not my fault; it is not my fault I have MDD and BPD, it is not my fault I have a chemical imbalance. I love every second of my life right now; every single breath that I comes out; every step; every word I say everyday.

Even though suicide is still important to me, I am not going to let it stop me from getting the help I know I need or cause me to avoid taking my medication; I am going to rise above the 15% that still wants to pull me down and break me. I am in control of my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors; not the ‘suicide’.