Tag Archives: clinical depression

9 Months & Counting

December 12, 2014  11:37 PM

I’m hurt.  I am genuinely hurt. Words cannot describe how I feel or how hurt I am. I miss my best friend I truly do. The days are grower colder and the nights are getting longer, but the love for my friend will never freeze or become tarnish. I find myself randomly going about my day and all of a sudden in a blink of an eye a hollow tear will fall gracefully from my eye and sweep the dust particles away on my face. I weep and weep and weep, weeping that she will come back, praying that she will come back, and seeking that what she did was not true. Inevitable. My love for her is still whole, but a part of my heart died the day she took her own life. And so I sit and ponder, to wonder where was I in her deepest hour of need. Why was I not there to comfort and hold her beautiful hand? She’s not around to hold mine and so I too have thought about letting go. I think about the afterlife. Life after death. The palace of everlasting dreams and a painless retreat. I want to be there with her. To see her beautiful face as she grace the center stage and braces the coming storm with her powerful words. She was and is a fighter. She did not lose her battle to depression and bipolar. No. She fought the treason all the way to end. I am walking on a cold and shallow Earth; I am not the same anymore because she is no longer here to gallop through the field of bright yellow sunflowers in summer or roll around in the white powdery fluffy snow this winter. She is gone. They say ‘spirits leave the body after death and surround loved ones near and far’.  And she is with me. She is with us. I know because she shows herself in the little things. But I want to see her, that smile, those eyes, the nose, those fingernails. I need to hear voice. I need to hear her say ‘I love you babygirl’. I want to hug her and squeeze the air out of her chest and hear her yell , ‘Stoppp, you are crushing me’ and then kiss my nose. I am losing track of the number of tears I have shed because I miss her so much. But I have not and will not lose track of the seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, and months she has left this blue and green Earth.

9 months & counting I am still hopeless, confused, depressed, sad, angry, miserable, numb, angry, and weak.

9 months & counting I still write your name in the upper right hand corner of my class notes.

9 months & counting I cry at 5:14 PM, the time I received the news that you were gone and I fell to my knees in disbelief and bawled like a newborn baby.

9 months & counting I hear your voice in the wind and turn my head sharply hoping to see your full figure staring right back at me.

9 months & counting continuing to find the peace to bear with the sadden news.

9 months & counting know that you are loved and will always be loved by me, your family, friends, your peers and classmates.

9 months & counting I will always love you.

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World Suicide Prevention Day 9.10.14

September 10, 2014 12:00 AM

Today, Wednesday September 10th, 2014 marks World Suicide Prevention Day.  Around the world on this day, millions of others like myself not only remember those who took their own lives and sought suicide as their way out, but we come together to raise suicide prevention awareness and work to educate others on the warning signs and risk factors of suicide and mental illness.

Suicide is a major public health problem all around the globe. The psychological pain that leads one to take their life is unimaginable. Their death leaves families and friends in a situation where they do not understand what drove that individual to that point to take their own life. Suicide also has a major ripple effect on communities and it is our duty to bring awareness and help educate others.

Suicide is a taboo topic and NEEDS to be discussed appropriately. I am a proud supporter of suicide prevention because it is something that hits home for me.  Today, I stand strong as an attempted suicide survivor  and a mental health advocate in my local community. I know what it feels like to not only lose someone to suicide, but being the victim as well.  The warning signs and triggers that lead someone to suicide is unpredictable. It is very very VERY hard to try to sympathize and empathize with a suicidal person and you must be willing to put them first during their depressive/manic/suicidal state.

My goal is for others to view suicide like any other medical disease out in the world. Just like HIV/AIDS and cancer, suicide spreads and damages and effects the mind, body, and soul. Suicide is death and death means the permanent ending of a precious life.

It takes one person to change another humans life for the good.

It takes one person to extend a strong hand towards an unstable depressed/manic human to encourage them to extend back.

It only takes me and you to speak up and be the voice for those who are suffering to show and tell them that is alright to speak up.

Now, of course I do not go around telling every single person I meet that I have Major Depressive Disorder (clinical depression), Borderline personality disorder, had self-harm and have attempted suicide +4 times. No! Am I ashamed of it? Not at all. But, I turn my past into change and hope to make a difference in another persons life.  I use my story as a way to connect to others like myself to show them that I too have been through the rain, fire, hail, and wind and now I am walking on rainbows and rays of sunshine turning the negative into positives by trying to educate others on the importance on suicide prevention and mental health. I am very open about my mental health journey because in the process I have grown tremendously through the recovery and some relapses.

It is all about the people who support your life, your existence, and your mental illness and well being. Prior to my attempt, I felt as thought I had nobody who understood me and why I was so depressed or why I wanted to harm or take my own life. But, after my attempt all of those people who I “thought” did not care, cared all along, I was blind to see their love and affection for me. Today, all of those people I ignored, pushed away, and isolated myself from, are now my biggest supporters as I walk through my recovery. Know that there are people out there who really do care. It is going to take an arm and a leg to let them into your life but trust me it is all worth it and in the end you will be so thankful that you opened up to at least 1 trustworthy person.

Please, join me today to raise suicide prevention to help save another life.

If you are having suicidal thoughts or contemplating suicide know that you are not alone; know that there is help. But, most certainly know that there is hope. Hope for you, hope for your future, hope for your life.

Visit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention to read and learn about the warning signs and triggers/risk factors of suicide. There are a ton of resources on the AFSP website on how to talk to a suicidal person and ways that you can be of help. Please, take advantage to learn and know the signs to help save a life.

I created this video to promote World Suicide Prevention Day and to remember my good friend Emily who took her life on March 26th.  Please share with loved ones you know who are suffering with any mental illness and have had thoughts of suicide.

 Tonight I light a candle in memory of my friend and in remembrance of all those who took their lives in 2014.