Tag Archives: depression

2 years…

2 years.

It has been 2 years since I’ve logged in.

2 years since I’ve shared with the world my progress, my accomplishments, the ups & downs; my struggles.

2 years since I’ve found the courage to write a new post about my whereabouts.

2 years since I’ve found myself, my voice…my soul.

Hello Phoenix followers!

It’s me Phoenix. Writing to you on a chilly Friday to update you on my mental health progress.

Last time I blogged, it was December 2014. At that time I re-entered my university after a medical leave of absence.

Where have I been you may ask? I got my life together.

I focused on what it is I wanted to accomplish; my motivation to live and breath everyday: to graduate with my Bachelors.

And so I did..used the last year and a half to focus my dreams. I am happy to say I will be graduating this May with my Bachelors in Chemical Engineering and very proud to say I am mentally “stable”.

Of course “stable” is very ambiguous. My “stability” may be quite different than yours. To elaborate…stability for me in this case means comfortable with the terms of my mental health disorder. I have embraced my major depressive disorder and bipolar disorder like the several birthmarks on my body.

Now everything is not “happy-go-lucky”. There are several times my mind wonders and I enter into a depressive state where I get lost in myself, in my thoughts and feelings.

But what do I do when this happens? I go for a run, work out, try to engage in a fun activity (like computer and phone games) or research random facts. Something to distract me from the evil monsters that tend to come and go when they please.

Something I’ve learned in the past year is that I, you, we are in control of our thoughts and feelings. We have the power to change our mind, alter our perspectives and scare those evil monsters away.

I hope you all are well. Know that there is always someone/something in your corner whether it is your friend, a family member, your dog or cat, or even your vegetable garden.

My goal is continue to share my story with the world in hopes to encourage others battling with mental illnesses.

Be well.

 

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9 Months & Counting

December 12, 2014  11:37 PM

I’m hurt.  I am genuinely hurt. Words cannot describe how I feel or how hurt I am. I miss my best friend I truly do. The days are grower colder and the nights are getting longer, but the love for my friend will never freeze or become tarnish. I find myself randomly going about my day and all of a sudden in a blink of an eye a hollow tear will fall gracefully from my eye and sweep the dust particles away on my face. I weep and weep and weep, weeping that she will come back, praying that she will come back, and seeking that what she did was not true. Inevitable. My love for her is still whole, but a part of my heart died the day she took her own life. And so I sit and ponder, to wonder where was I in her deepest hour of need. Why was I not there to comfort and hold her beautiful hand? She’s not around to hold mine and so I too have thought about letting go. I think about the afterlife. Life after death. The palace of everlasting dreams and a painless retreat. I want to be there with her. To see her beautiful face as she grace the center stage and braces the coming storm with her powerful words. She was and is a fighter. She did not lose her battle to depression and bipolar. No. She fought the treason all the way to end. I am walking on a cold and shallow Earth; I am not the same anymore because she is no longer here to gallop through the field of bright yellow sunflowers in summer or roll around in the white powdery fluffy snow this winter. She is gone. They say ‘spirits leave the body after death and surround loved ones near and far’.  And she is with me. She is with us. I know because she shows herself in the little things. But I want to see her, that smile, those eyes, the nose, those fingernails. I need to hear voice. I need to hear her say ‘I love you babygirl’. I want to hug her and squeeze the air out of her chest and hear her yell , ‘Stoppp, you are crushing me’ and then kiss my nose. I am losing track of the number of tears I have shed because I miss her so much. But I have not and will not lose track of the seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, and months she has left this blue and green Earth.

9 months & counting I am still hopeless, confused, depressed, sad, angry, miserable, numb, angry, and weak.

9 months & counting I still write your name in the upper right hand corner of my class notes.

9 months & counting I cry at 5:14 PM, the time I received the news that you were gone and I fell to my knees in disbelief and bawled like a newborn baby.

9 months & counting I hear your voice in the wind and turn my head sharply hoping to see your full figure staring right back at me.

9 months & counting continuing to find the peace to bear with the sadden news.

9 months & counting know that you are loved and will always be loved by me, your family, friends, your peers and classmates.

9 months & counting I will always love you.

The 7 Letter Word That Scares The Living Daylights Out of Humans.

September 27, 2014  11:38 PM

Having thoughts of suicide is an under-statement.
Having the urge to take my life is an over-statement.
Telling others that I am suicidal is a selfish-statement.
I am suicidal, this is the accurate-statement.

If I cannot be honest you, then why should I be honest with me?
Here I am sitting in a dark corner
Hovering my life into one quiet shell.
The only light shining in the midst of the room
Is the glow from my cold heart.
Slowing frosting over the blemishes
I want to leave behind due to my depressive manic episodes.

I wrap my life-less hands around my circular body
In hopes to suffocate the inner life
Pumping through my fragile veins.
I touch the scars, the left behind marks
Of the single headed darts which you threw
At my mistakes,
My illness,
My mishaps,
My episodes,
My sensitivity,
My inner shyness,
And
My devoted love for you.

I stand up to rejection
I stand up to instability
I stand up to fear
But, for some odd reason
I just cannot seem to stand up for me.

This world is swallowing my flesh piece by piece.
Inch by inch
Life by life.
I am suicidal, this is my statement.
I’ve lost my battle
I’ve lost the fight
I’m in a constant struggle with thoughts, feelings, and everything in sight
And all I want to do is take action.

Suicide is not so taboo to me anymore
Suicide is my buggaboo who keeps me warm at night.
Yes, I dressed it as a person
I even dressed it up as my lover.
Bear with me and my rapid thoughts
As I shed the true defining light upon
The seven letter that scares the living daylights out of humans:
Suicide.

There Is Still Time!!!

Hello Phoenix Followers!

I am looking to take my mental health awareness advocacy to the next level in hopes to raise awareness not only locally, but internationally. To do so, I would like to mail out ~50 Phoenix Encouragement Cards to my followers to show my love, care, and support during your recovery and mental health journey. There is still time to sign up for a letter from me all the way from the US!

Send me an email at phoenixtherebirth042013@gmail.com with the following:

Name & Address
Short bio about yourself (interest, career, favorite color/song etc. almost anything!)
150-250 words about your mental health story and/or diagnosis (Whatever you are comfortable sharing with me)
Included with the card you will also receive a custom-made wristband bracelet I designed that says: “URLOVED. Speak UP. Speak Out. Save a life” that you can wear to remind yourself that you are always loved.

My goal is to have the letters mailed out by Mid-November. The last day to submit the information above is Friday October 3rd, 2014. If you have any questions about the cards please feel free to contact me directly.

It is my passion to help others and I know there are some out there who do not have a strong support network during difficult times. The purpose of these personalized cards is to give you an extra source of support and encouragement you can always look at during your relapses or downfalls.

Thank you all for your support & I cannot wait to mail out Phoenix Encouragement Cards!

Much love,

Phoenix

Raise mental health awareness. Stop the stigma. Save a life.

Phoenix Encouragement Cards!

September 17, 2014  5:03 PM

Hello Phoenix Followers!

I am looking to take my mental health awareness advocacy to the next level in hopes to raise awareness not only locally, but internationally. To do so, I would like to mail out ~50 Phoenix Encouragement Cards to my followers to show my love, care, and support during your recovery and mental health journey.

Send me an email at phoenixtherebirth042013@gmail.com with the following:

  • Name & Address
  • Short bio about yourself (interest, career, favorite color/song etc. almost anything!)
  • 150-250 words about your mental health story and/or diagnosis (Whatever you are comfortable sharing with me)

Included with the card you will also receive a custom-made wristband bracelet I designed that says: “URLOVED. Speak UP. Speak Out. Save a life” that you can wear to remind yourself that you are always loved.

My goal is to have the letters mailed out by Mid-November. The last day to submit the information above is Friday October 3rd, 2014.  If you have any questions about the cards please feel free to contact me directly.

It is my passion to help others and I know there are some out there who do not have a strong support network during difficult times. The purpose of these personalized cards is to give you an extra source of support and encouragement you can always look at during your relapses or downfalls.

Thank you all for your support & I cannot wait to mail out Phoenix Encouragement Cards!

Much love, 

Phoenix

Raise mental health awareness. Stop the stigma. Save a life.