Tag Archives: eggshells

The Rebirth – Stage II: Reconnection

July 10, 2014  9:55 AM

I am happy to say The Rebirth- Stage I is underway and my self-esteem is growing despite my most recent relapse. Now it is time to begin Stage II in the process. I’d like to call the next phase of my rebirth: reconnection. My goal here is to reconnect with 3 things:

  1. Myself
  2. People
  3. Life

Of course, in that order. I cannot reconnect with my life until I re-get-to-know myself because there have been some new additions to my life. Some of the new additions include mental illness diagnosis, change in self-image, and medications. I will walk you through how I plan to reconnect with the three subsets listed above and the areas where I am going to need support from you, family, and especially my friends (support team).

  1. RECONNECT WITH SELF:  Nobody knows yourself better than you do; not even your significant other. So what do I want to get from this ‘self-connection’? Inner peace with myself and the situations that are going on in my life is the main outcome. I want to feel energized, something that is a challenge for me due to the severe depression but when I say “energized” I am not referring to ‘the Pink Energizer bunny’ who wants to run on high speed all day long. No! Energized!  The action and inner feeling of being enthusiastic in myself and the work I do.  Prime example, blogging everyday for me makes me feel ‘energized’ requires to little to no effort but I feel at peace. In this reconnection with self process I also want to feel secure in what I do for enjoyment or relaxation. I want to become one with myself and feel protected in doing so.  Here is what I plan to do to reconnect with myself:
  •  APPRECIATE SILENCE & SPEND TIME IN IT! – Yes, silence. Pure quietness and elimination from all distractions including, the Tube, computer/laptop, game stations, books/newspapers/articles, and people. Just sit in silence  and listen to my heart beat and my breath. In doing so, I hope to connect with the present and the fact that I am alive; I am here living in a healthy body. Now of course with silence comes thinking which can lead to getting into your head and stirring up thoughts: good or bad. And this is okay…if you are not thinking then there may be a problem. As I spend time in silence I want to connect with those lost thoughts pertaining to humor or animals that I just never take the time to think about because I tend to focus on ‘how to get through this day knowing I have triggers, bipolar, ADHD, depression, Autism, etc. etc. ‘ Take this time to focus on the obscure.
  • BECOME ONE WITH NATURE! – There is life all around us. From the tiniest seed in the dirt to the giraffe standing above us, life is every where. Now, I do not know about you but I am not a nature kinda gal. However, I want to be able to appreciate my life which I am living for a purpose. What better way to connect with your inner self than becoming one with nature. This can range from taking a hike through one of the highest mountains, watching the sun set or rise, visit the zoo, sit and roll around in the grass or make eye contact with a bee (please, be careful and try not to get stung!). I want to connect my life and growth through nature and use it as a source to develop my inner happiness and appreciation for my life.
  • LIBERATE THOSE FEELINGS! – Break loose from the feelings that consume you. I tend to keep my feelings inside until I build them to the highest level and finally I explode. Not this time around. I want to release my  inner feelings in order to get to my inner self. I view built up feelings and emotions as a “clog” in my system which causes discomfort and irritability. And, I do not want that. I want to be free and not have an extra burden on my shoulder. So, I plan to release these feelings one by one, as they come until I’ve reached that equilibrium state with myself. [I am an engineering major Student so I just had to throw in the word ‘equilibrium’ please, bear with me!] Releasing those feelings can be in the form of telling someone, writing it down, self – talk, or through a fun activity whatever seems best to me or you.

Time to ACCEPT self: myself!

  1. RECONNECT WITH PEOPLE: People! A small part of me is deathly afraid to reconnect with people again after what happened and being hospitalized. I am afraid of others judging me, talking about me, and calling me out of my name. I am afraid that my mental illness will sneak up from under the covers and reveal itself to the people around me and they will walk away. But I cannot continue to be afraid and confine myself in this bubble anymore. No! I accept my illness and I accept who I am. So why should I continue to hide something that is apart of me now? Exactly. If you cannot accept my illness than you most certainly do not deserve me in your life. So please step aside if you are not willing to get to know me. When I reconnect with people, I want to be me and not feel like I have to walk on eggshells to hide a small part of me. I want to be open with others and gain their trust.
  • GENEROSITY! – I believe and know for a fact I am a genuine person. As I begin to reconnect with people, I want to spread the generosity; be open with them in hopes that they, too, will be open with me. I want to show concern for them as well in hopes that they will express concern for my well being too.
  • ATTENTION! ALL EYES ON YOU! – That’s right all eyes on you, not me. The biggest thing I tend to do with people is throw them under the bus and push them away when something stormy happens in the relationship. Unfortunately, this is why I have lost some tremendously good people in my life all because I did not pay much attention to them. ( I let the BPD get to me). This time around I plan to be in control of my actions when it comes to developing relationships with other people and making sure that I give them the love, support, and attention they need too. Because in reality, honey, it is not all about me. And there have been times when I wanted the world to stop and have everyone look at me. When people tell me they ‘love me’ and ‘care about me’ I need to be open and convince myself that yes, they really do mean it and not question what they are telling me. I plan to invest time in getting to know others for who they are too and not just dish out my entire life story on the first date or hang-out session with them. It is time for me to shut up and listen!
  • RESPECT THE SPACE!- Yes, space. I need to give others their space. I tend to be so pushy it is unbelievable I should have been a “push pop” or something. Anyways, if I want to reconnect with other people and want them to get to know me and be my friend I need to give them their space as well and know that if they genuinely like me they will come around. I just need to have faith in the other person.

Let others have some CONTROL, but do not let them be in CONTROL of you.

  1. RECONNECT WITH LIFE: Finally, the most important thing: life. I need and want to reconnect with my life. I feel like I am just living life in order to get through the day but not truly appreciating it. This is all going to change. I plan to reconnect with my life by having fun, lighten-up a little, and reassess my priorities: what exactly is important to me in this life?
  • ENJOY THE SIMPLE & LITTLE THINGS! – That’s right. I need to enjoy the little things and the finer things in life.
  • SIMPLIFY LIFE! – I am a complicated individual and with that comes a complicated life. I love to simplify equations, but I can barely simplify my life. I plan to live my life the way I want to live it. I need to not make things harder on myself and avoid stressful situations. I need to learn that it is okay to sit back, relax, and take things easy & take a break from things. Try not to dwell on major life events.
  • CREATE A MANTRA & LIVE BY IT! – The best way to reconnect with my life is to own it. What better way to own something than create a saying, a mantra, to define it. It is my life and I am in control of what happens in it. Some mantras I plan to use are: “I am in control” “This is my life and I am living it now” “My illness will not define me” etc. What is your life mantra?

Life is a gift, it is my present, I plan to unwrap it the way I choose to unwrap it and share it with those I want to share it with.

I am excited to reconnect with myself, life, and people. Of course, I can only handle so much at the moment; I plan to focus on each subset one at a time and spend a month or two or however long I feel is necessary until I feel comfortable moving onto the next subset.

I am ready to rise from the burning ashes of old connections; time to make new connections.

 

 

10 days

June 15th, 2014 10:57 pm

i can’t believe it’s been 10 days…I feel no different than before.

I was so tired yesterday and out of it.Last night I forgot to journal and woke up this morning with several loose thoughts in my head.I guess I can give myself a pat on the back for not dreaming and thinking about the “S” word. I have to hide how I really feel and walk on eggshells to make sure I don’t cause someone to scurry away from me…for good. The last thing I need right now are judgmental people. I don’t have “friends”. Only enemies. I can only feel the hate stares flaring and hear the phrases, ” Get a grip on life.” Okay let me try and accidentally let go of this rope so I can fall to my death. Shall I get a grip now?! That’s what I thought. I am highly sensitive. Please get it and understand it.