Tag Archives: enemies

National Suicide Prevention Week: Part I

September 8, 2014  1:50 PM

I light a candle in honor of those who sought suicide as an option to answer their problems.

I light a candle to burn the ashes of stigma associated with suicide and mental illness.

I light a candle to shed light on the taboo topic we all know as suicide.

I light a candle to forgive myself for attempting suicide four times in the past eight years.

I light a candle to shine bright in the midst of the dark cloud hovering above the silent ones.

I light a candle for the family members and friends who have lost a loved one to suicide.

I light a candle in hopes to raise mental health awareness and suicide prevention across the world.


To kick off National Suicide Prevention Week, this past weekend I did a photo-shoot to showcase my mental illness to raise awareness in my local community.  In honor of my friend who took her own life on March 26, I centered the theme of my photo-shoot around one of her favorites quote, “What I Dream of is an art of Balance…” –Henri Matisse. 

Several of my friends have questioned why am I so determined to raise mental health awareness and suicide prevention.  In all honesty, I personally can relate to mental health and suicide.  I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder and Borderline personality disorder and it is hard for others to understand why I act, feel, think, and do what I do on a daily basis. The only way I can connect to my friends and friend is to share my story and talk about mental health/suicide prevention.

My goal is raise mental health awareness and suicide prevention to one day help encourage others to speak out about their emotions and thoughts before resulting to suicide or self-harm.  My passion is to be the voice for the silent sufferers to show them that it is okay to talk and encourage them that they are never alone.

Please enjoy the following pictures from my mental health awareness photo-shoot. Wednesday September 10th, 2014 is National Suicide Prevention Day across the globe. I created a video to promote Suicide Prevention which will be posted Wednesday!

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If you or a loved one are having thoughts of suicide or self-harm please know that there is help and there is hope. Please reach out and seek appropriate help. Call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline number 1-800-273-8255. Know that you are not alone and that your are loved.

~Phoenix

THIS is My Victory!

July 18th, 2014  10:13 AM

The clock strikes 12
The battle and I have become 1
It stabs me right in the heart;
To watch the  ruby-red blood pour profusely
Through my chest cavity
To wash away the 2 things
That are darted towards my feeble face:
Hatred and Stigma.
I walk towards the battle
Stronger and wiser than ever before
To look into its paltry eyes.
Our eyes meet at 3
To see 4 things
Standing right in front of me:
Emptiness, Hopelessness, Loneliness, and Worthlessness.
The battle whispers 5 hysterical words to me:
“Your time is now up”.
I stand taller and wiser
And smile through my pearly white teeth and rebel
To bellow these 6 wondrous words:
“This is my life, my victory!”
I stand above the battle
7 feet taller than its men
To walk 8 steps closer to the source.
I am surrounded by 9 support soldiers
To protect me from the battle.
Together as a group of 10
We conquer and defeat the 11 men
I am in battle with.
The clock strikes 12;
I have won my battle;
Now I can claim my victory;
THIS, is my victory!

My Broken Reflection

July 16th, 2014  8:15 AM

As I stand on my two weak feet
To look in the 22” by 33” mirror reflected in front of me
I see
A hole in my heart,
A shattered knee,
A missing kidney,
A broken rib cage,
An empty stomach,
A dry bladder.

My brain is hollow and desolated;
My intelligence, memory and thoughts have deserted me,
They did not want anything to do with me.
I use my  two parched hands to crack the coronal suture of my head
To gently remove my shriveled up brain.
In the process I crack the frontal bone to shut my sinuses down.
I cup the brain in my two hands;
Here in my hands I hold the key to my youth:
The key to my everlasting fountain of life.
I place the withered and expired brain in my right hand.
I raise my right hand above my dysfunctional head and toss the brain into the steadfast mirror in front of me.
There,
My brain and reflection become one.
It hits the middle of the mirror causing it to crack in all directions.

To the ones who turned their backs on me: thank you for crack number ONE;

To the ones who told me I am no longer worth the wait: thank you for crack number TWO;

To the ones who mocked me during my deepest darkest moments: thank you for crack THREE, FOUR, and FIVE.

To the ones who left me to rot and vegetate in my own illness because they were not up to the challenge to support me: thank you for crack number SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE, and TEN.

I stand on my two feeble feet
And listen to the harmonious cracks playing in the peaceful wind;
I look in the 22” by 33” mirror reflected in front of me
Where I stand to see my broken reflection.

10 days

June 15th, 2014 10:57 pm

i can’t believe it’s been 10 days…I feel no different than before.

I was so tired yesterday and out of it.Last night I forgot to journal and woke up this morning with several loose thoughts in my head.I guess I can give myself a pat on the back for not dreaming and thinking about the “S” word. I have to hide how I really feel and walk on eggshells to make sure I don’t cause someone to scurry away from me…for good. The last thing I need right now are judgmental people. I don’t have “friends”. Only enemies. I can only feel the hate stares flaring and hear the phrases, ” Get a grip on life.” Okay let me try and accidentally let go of this rope so I can fall to my death. Shall I get a grip now?! That’s what I thought. I am highly sensitive. Please get it and understand it.