Tag Archives: friendship

9 Months & Counting

December 12, 2014  11:37 PM

I’m hurt.  I am genuinely hurt. Words cannot describe how I feel or how hurt I am. I miss my best friend I truly do. The days are grower colder and the nights are getting longer, but the love for my friend will never freeze or become tarnish. I find myself randomly going about my day and all of a sudden in a blink of an eye a hollow tear will fall gracefully from my eye and sweep the dust particles away on my face. I weep and weep and weep, weeping that she will come back, praying that she will come back, and seeking that what she did was not true. Inevitable. My love for her is still whole, but a part of my heart died the day she took her own life. And so I sit and ponder, to wonder where was I in her deepest hour of need. Why was I not there to comfort and hold her beautiful hand? She’s not around to hold mine and so I too have thought about letting go. I think about the afterlife. Life after death. The palace of everlasting dreams and a painless retreat. I want to be there with her. To see her beautiful face as she grace the center stage and braces the coming storm with her powerful words. She was and is a fighter. She did not lose her battle to depression and bipolar. No. She fought the treason all the way to end. I am walking on a cold and shallow Earth; I am not the same anymore because she is no longer here to gallop through the field of bright yellow sunflowers in summer or roll around in the white powdery fluffy snow this winter. She is gone. They say ‘spirits leave the body after death and surround loved ones near and far’.  And she is with me. She is with us. I know because she shows herself in the little things. But I want to see her, that smile, those eyes, the nose, those fingernails. I need to hear voice. I need to hear her say ‘I love you babygirl’. I want to hug her and squeeze the air out of her chest and hear her yell , ‘Stoppp, you are crushing me’ and then kiss my nose. I am losing track of the number of tears I have shed because I miss her so much. But I have not and will not lose track of the seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, and months she has left this blue and green Earth.

9 months & counting I am still hopeless, confused, depressed, sad, angry, miserable, numb, angry, and weak.

9 months & counting I still write your name in the upper right hand corner of my class notes.

9 months & counting I cry at 5:14 PM, the time I received the news that you were gone and I fell to my knees in disbelief and bawled like a newborn baby.

9 months & counting I hear your voice in the wind and turn my head sharply hoping to see your full figure staring right back at me.

9 months & counting continuing to find the peace to bear with the sadden news.

9 months & counting know that you are loved and will always be loved by me, your family, friends, your peers and classmates.

9 months & counting I will always love you.

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You’re The One

August 31, 2014  12:17 PM

At evening’s dusk
I channel my inner must
To wish upon the present moon
To send me my future cocoon.

Already wrapped in my skins galore,
I know that forever more
That inside lies my charming everlasting companion.

Secretly he does not know
That the silk that intertwines around our love
Is broken, vandalized, and mutilated;
By the words from my past,
The actions of the present,
And the worries for tomorrow.

His victorious voice
Breaks the immaculate walls
Of my protective future for my prosperous life.

The scars reappear on my upper wrist
From the inner pain I once concealed
Of the kindle emotions
I hid despite our outward attraction towards one another.

You’re the one who gives me hope;
You’re the one I had a reason to spoke.
You’re the one who causes my scars to fade away;
You’re the one I want to be with all day.
You’re the one who makes me find a way
To live this life everyday.
You’re the one I do not want to leave this Earth for;
You’re the one I want to stay around with forever more.
You’re the one who erases my choice to take my life;
You’re the one I thank for being in this rocky life.

Take Me Back.

August 1st, 2014  4:02 PM

Take me back,
And let me fall to eternity in your brawny tan arms.
Smile a mile,
And let me chase you into the mid-evening sunset.
Kiss my scars,
And tell me I am beautiful inside and out.
Forgive me,
For the several transient mistakes I made during our long-ago relationship.
Help me,
Acknowledge and recognize our past;
Run with me to get over the approaching hurdles.
Hug me,
To reassure me that my lonesome days are over;
And that you will be there to help me weather the storm.
Call my name,
So I can hear your alluring voice calm my trembling waters.
Sing to me,
The lyrics of our future so I have something to hum about during my darkest moments.
Hold my hand,
And squeeze your courageous spirit into mine.
Touch me,
Check my bubbly pulse and liquidate my chills.
Caress my lifeless body,
And transfer your warmth, love, and seductive soul
To sync our heartbeats to become one.
Take me back,
And tell me that everything is going to be alright;
And that I, too, deserve a happy life with you.

Me + You + BPD = My Failed Relationships + Suicidal Ideation.

July 30th, 2014  3:04 PM

Recently, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I did not know what BPD was and how I developed symptoms for such disorder, but while I was hospitalized I was assessed using the DSM-V diagnostic criteria and an in-person interview with a psychiatrist which revealed several symptoms for Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), bipolar tendencies (I did not show enough symptoms to be diagnosed with Type I or Type II Bipolar disorder but showed symptoms of manic/hypo-manic episodes) and the famous BPD.

What  exactly is Borderline Personality Disorder? BPD is a very serious mental disorder which results in unstable relationships with other people, instability in mood and behavior. This can lead to impulsive behavior and suicide. I do not want to give a full lecture on the reigns of BPD, but you can find out more information about the disorder here. I do want to acknowledge the key symptoms for my BPD that were found during my assessment.

At the end of my assessment with my psychiatrist from the psychiatric hospital he found the following symptoms:

**Note: Below is a summary of the diagnosis for my Borderline Personality Disorder from my psychiatrist. I am not a mental health professional and the symptoms shown below may or may not apply to you if you believe you may have BPD. I recommend you to use this as an informational and if you question whether you may have BPD I highly recommend you to see a mental health professional or a psychiatrist to follow-up with the symptoms and description listed on the website above for BPD.**

Patient shows:

  1. Serious fear of abandonment from loved ones, significant others, and people.
  2. Severe suicidal ideation/self harm behavior (may cut or bruise self due to abandonment, loneliness, insecurity, and lack of attention). Patient has made 2 suicide attempts due to unstable relationships with other people in the past.
  3. Impulsive behavior (Patient acknowledges and shows that she has engaged in excessive spending sprees, excessive eating, and reckless behavior).
  4. Struggles with self-esteem and self-image issues (Unstable self-image, believes that she is not worthy to live or be with other people in life due to self-image and perception of who she is).
  5. Variance in mood swings during short periods of time when she engages with other people who tend to upset her. Sometimes she gets highly agitated, sensitive, and annoyed by other people for no reason and tend to switch moods. She will shut down and push people away as a result of her instability in mood.
  6. Constantly feels worthlessness, hopelessness, emptiness, and constant loneliness; experience and show unknown sadness during different periods in a day or week which may be triggered by other people.
  7. Tends to lose patience quickly with others when she does not get her way and this results in loss of her temper and physical fights with other people.

After going over my diagnosis with my current out-patient psychiatrist, she asked me to walk her through some examples of times I experienced some of the symptoms I was diagnosed with above so she could get the feel of my BPD and the severity and damage it has caused me to function mentally and emotionally with not only myself but other people.

Below are a few experiences I’ve had in the past that were caused by my Borderline Personality Disorder. However, at the time I was unaware of my actions and did not know between the ages of 13-21 that I had BPD. After my diagnosis, I was able to connect the dots to some of my severe actions, self-harm, and constant suicidal threats/attempts.

  • My psychiatrist wanted to know if I had shown any signs of attachment and fear of abandonment as a young girl and since I could not recall my behaviors at such a young age she asked my mother to sit in on a session to walk her through my childhood.  My mom noticed that between ~8 mos to 5 years of age I was overly attached to her and had to be with her every second of the day; to the point where I actually would sit in the bathroom with her as she showered because I did not want her to leave me alone by myself. This showed some fear of abandonment but nothing too extreme where my psychiatrist could note the beginning of my BPD.
  • As I got older it was very hard for me to maintain long-term relationships with friends because I could not bear the lack of attention from them, their unwillingness to understand why I was “awkward” and “weird” at times, and my constant paranoia that they did not like me for who I was and that they ignored me for no apparent reason, but in reality they were not doing those things; I convinced myself that they were.
  • It was not until middle school where I noticed that I had a difficult time connecting  with my classmates and making friends. I felt embarrassed to eat lunch with the other students in the cafeteria because I perceived myself as “fat” and “ugly” and this lead to anorexia nervosa between the ages of 13 and 14. In 8th grade and parts of high school I would actually eat my lunch in the girls bathroom  (sometimes skip lunch) to avoid feeling that I did not fit in with others; I was paranoid and thought that everyone was looking at me because on the inside I felt “different”.
  • I had a best friend from 4th to 6th grade who lived in my neighborhood and that relationship ended abruptly because I convinced myself she did not like me for who I was at the time and talked about me behind my back to other people but in reality she did not. I would verbally fight with her and threaten our friendship, and threaten to cut myself, so she would not leave me.
  • 8th grade year I met a boy at a summer camp and became really attached to his personality.  We talked every day however I became overbearing, needy, and annoying because if he did not talk to me I would assume he was talking to other girls or ignoring me because I was “weird”. I changed my personality to become someone I was not to “make him like me” based on the crowd he associated himself with. Beginning of my freshmen year in high school we talked and I thought he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend but months later I found out he started to date another girl. So I threatened to kill myself to make him “come back” to me.  He called my mother and told her about my suicidal threats and self harm. I did cut myself for 2 months straight during this rough period because I was hurt and in pain. This lead to my first hospitalization in 2008.
  • In high school I met two girls at a summer program and we all clicked instantly. Months into our friendship they stopped talking to me and I felt lonely and angry when they did not include me in fun events they planned. Of course I found out about their gatherings via social media and this angered me and I became frustrated. So one night I drank a ‘small swig’ of bleach to try to kill myself because the two girls left me and did not want to be my friend anymore. But I also should note that during our friendship I did push them away because of my extreme sadness and rocky mood swings.
  • My freshmen year in college I met another guy in a class and from afar I was really attracted to him and approached him to get to know him. We talked frequently throughout my first two years of college. My feelings for him grew throughout the months , however I could tell he was not genuinely into me because I came off very needy, annoying at times, pushy, awkward, and weird. I would argue with him a lot about obscure things which lead to some impulsive and violent behavior.  One time during our friendship I took a kitchen knife and tried to cut and harm myself in his presence and he fought with me to get the knife back but I refused.  After that altercation I did self harm (cut) for a short period of time. One evening he took me to go babysitting and I started to argue with him in the car and I got really upset and angry to the point where I opened the car door in mid drive with the intention to jump out of the moving vehicle. With this person I made several suicidal threats throughout the duration of our friendship.

And the list of examples goes on and on and on. My psychiatrist did an excellent job using Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) to map out my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors during episodes where I began to feel the symptoms of my BPD. The examples above were developed by the CBT model to first knowledge the thought I had in the moment followed by how I felt due to those thoughts and how my thoughts and feelings affect my behavior in that specific situation.

Once my psychiatrist and I were able to map out those impulsive behaviors we moved onto using Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) a cognitive behavioral approach to help develop basic social skills and problem solving skills to use during my rocky relationships with others and extreme mood swing episodes.  Currently I am working on learning acceptance skills for moments where I feel like rejection or abandonment are coming on and emotion regulation techniques which helps me with my chronic suicidal ideation, threats, attempts and self harm.

I plan to continue my DBT treatment with both my therapist/psychiatrist and take my prescribed medications in hopes to build stronger relationships with people in the future and also mend my broken friendships from the past.

Please, Touch My Coffin.

July 30th, 2014  1:21 PM

Please, touch my coffin.
Inside lies a deflated muffin
Where my delicate membrane rests upon my Grandmother’s cotton.
In my humble hand lies the lost button detached from the noose-like string found around my neck.
I hung myself from the mount
To count my plethora of lost blessings which appear to be missing in the hidden shadow behind me.
I found my inner happiness and peace within the ground;
Lower me six feet below this green musty Earth to live the life I couldn’t above.
Before I go
Please, touch my coffin;
Place your powerful hand upon the feeble oak wood which encloses my lost soul.
Close your eyes and let your tranquil tears fall upon my lifeless body.
Cast your body upon my coffin to hug the hopelessness, worthlessness, and loneliness out of me.
Place your lips upon the heavy oak wood to breathe your precious life into my lifeless skeletal structure.
Weep your grace, joy, and tenderness over my dead corpse;
Place the seeds of our friendship upon my coffin
And slowly descend my courageous pursuit down into the chilled cold-blue Earth;
Watch as my carefree spirit ascends into the Heavens.
Water the fatal dirt masked upon my lost soul with your maim eyes.
Visit my sacred site a month later to witness the new growth of my everlasting love for you bloom in the midst of your dark shadow.
I will always be with you when you touch my cherry oak cyan coffin.