Tag Archives: future

You’re The One

August 31, 2014  12:17 PM

At evening’s dusk
I channel my inner must
To wish upon the present moon
To send me my future cocoon.

Already wrapped in my skins galore,
I know that forever more
That inside lies my charming everlasting companion.

Secretly he does not know
That the silk that intertwines around our love
Is broken, vandalized, and mutilated;
By the words from my past,
The actions of the present,
And the worries for tomorrow.

His victorious voice
Breaks the immaculate walls
Of my protective future for my prosperous life.

The scars reappear on my upper wrist
From the inner pain I once concealed
Of the kindle emotions
I hid despite our outward attraction towards one another.

You’re the one who gives me hope;
You’re the one I had a reason to spoke.
You’re the one who causes my scars to fade away;
You’re the one I want to be with all day.
You’re the one who makes me find a way
To live this life everyday.
You’re the one I do not want to leave this Earth for;
You’re the one I want to stay around with forever more.
You’re the one who erases my choice to take my life;
You’re the one I thank for being in this rocky life.

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Home, At Last.

August 23, 2014  6:48 PM

Jumping the broom;
Entering a new segment.
Lifting my mind, body, and soul across the current threshold.
Leaving all my worries, doubts, and pain behind,
Putting my solicitous meager heart on the line.
Forgetting all the consequences that may come my merry way,
Still needing to say, “Where is my place in this illustrious World?”
Can I please just take a minute to hurl?
Stopping to take a second to reflect on the World;
And thanking the ones who brought me through the whirlwind.
Who stopped my head from continuously spinning
And put a halt to my inner madness.
I am glad the sunshine appeared through my darkness
And washed the rain away from my pale eyes.
To scatter the pain into the deep blue thin air
And watch as the rainbow shine in the midst of my silhouette shadow.
To feel the cool sea breeze brush against my winter face
I can feel my surrounding oasis embrace;
Tugging and hugging and reeling me in.
I love this feeling;
I adore this feeling.
I will abide by this feeling;
This sentiment is equivalent to home.
I am home, at last.

Happiness at My Funeral.

August 9, 2014  8:47 AM

Enter two by two into my Great Grandfather’s Christian Cathedral.
Greet one another with a solemn tear and a hearty hug.
Point your nose upward toward the altar and greet me with a silhouette smile.
Sit and hold hands with my cohort to feel my everlasting presence pump through your living veins.
Listen to the immaculate words of the Priest as he presents the celebration of my life.
Hear the blithe story of my life and watch as I rebirth through song, laughter, and dance.
Reminisce on the fountain days of my youth and squeeze the palm of your neighbor’s hand to reassure them I am still with you.
Wipe the tears from your eyes to see the World clearer now than ever before.
Walk the Earth that appeared so cold and blue to me and turn the cold to shame;
Warm the grounds with your robust feet and whisper prosperity to the wind to comfort my lost soul.
The ones that cared the most for my imperfect mind, body, and soul will stay behind the mass
To find the courage and passion to comfort the ones who have fallen to their knees by my coffin.
Use your inner strength and happiness to raise them to their feet and wipe the tears flowing from their feeble eyes.
Face my coffin with them in your arms, close your eyes, and listen for my faint voice in the distance.
Hear my final declaration,

“You are loved by me.
Today, tomorrow, and forever.
Please do not cry.
I am still here
And will be with you
Right by your side
To witness your future endeavors.
I want happiness at my funeral.
Be happy despite the fact
I am not with you.
Go forth and do good.
I promise you will
Prosper and grow.”

Leave the Christian Cathedral arm in arm with someone new you have never met before.
Account for this persons well-being from now until infinity.
Greet and hug my family as you exit.
Exchange a condolence or two with my parents and address how much of an impact I had on your life
To reassure them it was not their fault for my wrongdoing.
Grab the petals of my life;
Let them go;
Watch as they mass together to form the rare completion of what used to be my broken heart.
I am at last happy and at peace.

Reasons Why I Know I Am Not Going To Live A Full Life.

July 21, 2014  12:31 PM

Thursday night I had dinner with a good friend of my mine and I shared my recent suicide attempt in May. At first I was hesitant to share what exactly happened, but she reassured me that she just wanted to listen and hear me speak. I talked for 2 hours sharing my insight into what led to my decision to take my life and she did an excellent job listening to every word I had to say. Half way through our conversation she noticed a change in my body language: I started to fidget, cry, and talk with my head down. She asked me, “There is something you are not telling me.” And she was right. I was hiding something; something huge, something that I have not told anyone but my therapist and psychiatrist. Deep down I was struggling to find the courage to tell her that I know I am not going to live a full life because I know that one day in the future I am going to attempt suicide again and whenever that day and time is, it will mark the end of what could have been a full life.

So I told her; I told her blatantly that I know I am not going to live a full life because I do see another attempt in the future, a successful attempt. I felt a huge relief and a heavy burden lifted off of my shoulder when I said those heartbreaking words. We sat in silence; she reached for my hand and squeezed it tightly and told me, “I am hurt to hear you say that, you truly just broke my heart. What can I do to help?” I cried. She did not cry; she remained strong on my behalf and asked me to tell her why I cannot see myself living a full life.  I stopped crying and puckered up and started to speak 80 miles per hour; I poured my heart and soul out on the dinner table sharing something I locked away since my discharge.

I told her the following reasons why I know I am not going to live a full life. She did not judge me; she did not question my decisions, she was very open-minded and listened to me.

  1. My Depression is Too Much To Handle.  Yes I am getting the help I need to control my depression: medication and psychotherapy. Together, both help create a stable mood and stable mentality however, not a day goes by where I do not have a severe depressive episode. It is starting to become overwhelming when I notice the changes in my mood and behavior and start to think suicidal thoughts. It’s as if my depression is slowly but surely starting to grow into a much bigger and darker cloud where my mind can no longer present a small ray of sunshine to break the storm.  I know that I cannot only rely on the medication and psychotherapy to help alleviate the depression, I , too, must do my part as well. And I am trying so hard to get through those depressive episodes but all I can think of are the following: I am a useless burden on my parents, they are spending so much money on my therapy sessions and medication and I still having suicidal thoughts; everyone around me would be much better off if I was extinct , their life would be better without my presence to deal with a “psycho” like me.
  2. Hope, Is All Gone. I’ve lost all hope in myself and for my future. Yes, I do believe in myself and in my hopes and dreams but there is a small part of me that knows there is no hope for me to accomplish the things I want to do without something setting off my triggers or knowing that I cannot get the one thing I want to complete my life and make me whole: love, being in a relationship with a guy that truly loves and appreciates me for who I am despite the fact that I have major depressive disorder and borderline personality disorder. There is no “hope” for me to get married in the future because who in the world wants to date/marry someone like me who swims in depression and suicidal thoughts all the time. No one is going to want to date someone like me. Why? Because I am going to put them through hell if I actually follow through with my actions and take my life. And the last thing I want to do is hurt someone else. Besides being “in love” I honestly lost hope to accomplish my lifelong dream to become a University professor. I no longer have the hope to apply, get accepted into graduate school and earn my Ph.D in a subject area I truly love to study all because my hope is crushed by the severe depression.
  3. Fear & Frustration. I’ve had enough of trying to fight through my severe depressive episodes in order to thrive towards success and seeing the positive to live a prosperous life. Every time I try to convince myself the “good” my life has in store for me, something “negative” shows up like “I am not going to get a decent job or internship because my grade point average is well below the mean” or “This guy is not going to ask me out on a date because I am highly sensitive and psychotic.” These thoughts come in and out of my head throughout the day and I’ve come to the point where I just do not know how much longer I can take trying to deal with the unknown. This leaves me being afraid to face the future knowing that I may not be successful or happy because of my mental illness. As I’ve always said before I do not and will not let my mental illness define me in any shape or form but I am honestly afraid that one day I am going to let it take over my life and drive me to insanity where I want to take my life again. I am afraid that I am going to experience a tremendous heartbreak and the only thing that my soul is going to want to do is commit suicide because I’ve been hurt.
  4. Too Many Regrets To Deal With.  Regrets are apart of life, however I am one to dwell on regrets from the past and let them consume me. There is a part me that just cannot live and move on from the regrets so I confine myself to the past. Some of my regrets are too much to bear and the only answer to get over those regrets is to simply take my life.

So what exactly am I going to do to try to convince myself that my life is worth living all the way to the end and accomplish my hopes and dreams?

First, the key thing I must have in my life in order to help create a stable outlook for my future is to surround myself with positive, uplifting, and encouraging people. One of my triggers are people who do not believe in the things I want to accomplish; if someone does not believe in me than I do not believe in myself and therefore I tend to withdraw myself from my goals and want to end my life.

I need support, care, and love. I need to be checked-in on whether it is daily, weekly, or monthly. I know I am not 2 years old but due to the current state I am in if no one checks in on me than my mind automatically translates that to “Nobody cares about me so why don’t I give them a reason to care by taking my life.” This does not make sense right? Exactly. But this is how I process and look at things. I know this is not normal and my therapist is doing an excellent job to help me  recognize when those thoughts arise what to do and I am doing my best to fight the urge to take my life.

I have dreams and I have goals too, it is just going to take me a little harder to find the true reason to convince myself that I am normal and have the power just like everyone else to accomplish whatever my heart and soul desires.

If you know a loved one struggling with severe depression or a mental illness, please make sure you check in on them.  Yes, everyone has a busy life with work, family, and life in general but you have no idea how much a simple phone call or even a text saying, “Hi, how are you. I just wanted to make sure you are okay today” can change someones demeanor or day in an instant.

My friends and family always say, “You know the phone works both ways.” And yes indeed that is true, but when someone, like myself, is severely depressed and going through an episode, we tend to throw all relevant people in our lives out the window and focus on the here and now. I make an effort to reach out to my friends and family when I know I am going through either a good or terrible moment to talk it out and get advice from them.

My goal for each day is to live the present day to the fullest and not to dwell on the fact that I have a mental illness. My goal in life is to be a voice for the ones out there who are struggling and to shed light on a difficult topic to discuss in today’s society: suicide.

An Open Letter To ‘The Friends I Pushed Away’

July 17th, 2014  9:10 AM

Dear ‘The Friends I Pushed Away’:

Words cannot describe how much I miss and wish you were still in my life today; to be there for me during some of my darkness moments and watch me recover from such a terrible downfall. But none of this is possible because you are not in my life anymore because I pushed you away; I pushed you out of my life for good and did not want you to come back. I know you are probably wondering  two things:

  1. Why did I do such a thing?
  2. And why did I not tell you what was going on at the time to prevent such an abrupt end to our tremendous friendship?

Several months and years later I am ready to talk; I am ready to tell you what happened and why I did what I did. In a way this an apology letter; it is also a letter to share a part of me I did not get the chance to share with you during our friendship because I did not want you to judge me or leave me. I know you are thinking “true friends, real friends, will always stick around” and yes, I do know that but at the time I did not see that statement actually being true. I convinced myself that nobody would ever want to be friends me “this” i.e. me.

When we first met and became friends you met a happy girl, a funny girl, an ambitious intelligent good-head-on-her-shoulders girl. Little did you know behind all of the great attributes lies a girl who struggles with self-esteem issues, fear of abandonment from loved ones, severe depression, a self-harmer, and a suicidal girl. There were only a handful of you who may have actually seen this side of me. And even in those moments I knew it bothered you greatly and you would tell me ” come on don’t talk like that, you know I am here for you” etc etc. As much as I appreciated your honesty and yearn to be there for me, I did not believe you at all. Part of me could not process exactly “how much did you really love me or how were you really going to be there for me”. When those thoughts rolled in this is where you started to see the aggressive side of me; the side of me where I started to become annoying, clingy, impulsive, extremely negative, and awkward; this led me to push you out of my life. Remember when I made suicidal threats and  would say something along the lines of, “I am going to kill myself now because of x, y, and z?” This was the major depression disorder (MDD) and the borderline personality disorder (BPD) talking, wanting you to know that I am suffering and needed help; I needed your help.  I needed you to be my supporter and be there for me. I know you are probably thinking , “But I WAS there for you. I WAS there when you cried and broke down.” And I know. I know you were there but when I did not get my way or get the response and feeling I wanted from you I withdrew myself from the relationship and pushed you away. Even when you tried your best to help, I rejected you and ignored your help. That was very very stupid on my behalf. And I am so so so sorry that I did that. I am not the one to blame my mental illness for my actions, but at the time when all of this was going on, my impulsive behavior and thoughts both seemed so natural to me; it was and still is apart of me. I could not control how I was feeling in the heat of the moment. But I know I am at fault for what I did , for pushing you away and I am tremendously sorry from the bottom of my heart. You did everything a good friend is supposed to do in a friendship and I ignored your kindness, care, love, and appreciation for me. And I feel terrible for it, again I do apologize.

Now I am aware of my actions, feelings and thoughts whenever the depression or BPD are trying to take over my life. I am getting help to become a better person; I accept myself now for who I, for my mental illness and for the things I cannot change. I know I cannot change the past or my actions but I want you to know that I still love you despite how I treated you during our precious friendship. I know you may think I am a crazy walking psycho for everything I did in our friendship and I cannot express to you how sorry I am. Not a day goes by where I cannot stop thinking about our trips, movie sessions, sleepover, dinners and all of the wonderful times we once spent laughing together. I know life goes on; people move on from the past and go on to achieve bigger and greater things. And I am so proud of you and everything you are doing with your life. We may never see eye to eye again, but I want you to know that you will always be a special friend to me in my life and I will always hold a special place for you in my heart.

I love you to the moon and back and I am so thankful I got the chance to know and have met such a wonderful person.

I am wishing you all the best in your future endeavors.

All my love,

Phoenix