Tag Archives: grief

9 Months & Counting

December 12, 2014  11:37 PM

I’m hurt.  I am genuinely hurt. Words cannot describe how I feel or how hurt I am. I miss my best friend I truly do. The days are grower colder and the nights are getting longer, but the love for my friend will never freeze or become tarnish. I find myself randomly going about my day and all of a sudden in a blink of an eye a hollow tear will fall gracefully from my eye and sweep the dust particles away on my face. I weep and weep and weep, weeping that she will come back, praying that she will come back, and seeking that what she did was not true. Inevitable. My love for her is still whole, but a part of my heart died the day she took her own life. And so I sit and ponder, to wonder where was I in her deepest hour of need. Why was I not there to comfort and hold her beautiful hand? She’s not around to hold mine and so I too have thought about letting go. I think about the afterlife. Life after death. The palace of everlasting dreams and a painless retreat. I want to be there with her. To see her beautiful face as she grace the center stage and braces the coming storm with her powerful words. She was and is a fighter. She did not lose her battle to depression and bipolar. No. She fought the treason all the way to end. I am walking on a cold and shallow Earth; I am not the same anymore because she is no longer here to gallop through the field of bright yellow sunflowers in summer or roll around in the white powdery fluffy snow this winter. She is gone. They say ‘spirits leave the body after death and surround loved ones near and far’.  And she is with me. She is with us. I know because she shows herself in the little things. But I want to see her, that smile, those eyes, the nose, those fingernails. I need to hear voice. I need to hear her say ‘I love you babygirl’. I want to hug her and squeeze the air out of her chest and hear her yell , ‘Stoppp, you are crushing me’ and then kiss my nose. I am losing track of the number of tears I have shed because I miss her so much. But I have not and will not lose track of the seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, and months she has left this blue and green Earth.

9 months & counting I am still hopeless, confused, depressed, sad, angry, miserable, numb, angry, and weak.

9 months & counting I still write your name in the upper right hand corner of my class notes.

9 months & counting I cry at 5:14 PM, the time I received the news that you were gone and I fell to my knees in disbelief and bawled like a newborn baby.

9 months & counting I hear your voice in the wind and turn my head sharply hoping to see your full figure staring right back at me.

9 months & counting continuing to find the peace to bear with the sadden news.

9 months & counting know that you are loved and will always be loved by me, your family, friends, your peers and classmates.

9 months & counting I will always love you.

Walking in Her Shadow

July 8th, 2014  4:38 AM

I am walking in her shadow.
Trotting in her place.
O, the things I would do just to see her face.
To be in her space,
And take her place,
So she can be righteous
And absolute again.

As I begin to fathom,
The scar she barred
Upon my soul,
I have a hole.
I am not whole.
This is why I am so cold.
I scolded life,
I cursed life,
In hopes of it not to be her life.
To watch her one day be a wife,
And see her fight
With all her might,
To be
The free in freedom;
The happy in happiness;
The sun in a sunflower.

She was my rock,
And did not mock,
The sock I wore to camouflage my scars.
O, the things I would do just to be in her shoes.
To gallop through the boroughs of life,
And climb the mountains to see the light;

To watch the sun set and rise again.
To be in her voice of reason
And hear her speak this season.

O, yes!
To be in her battle
And be her aid to fight the treason,
To cease the rejection cast upon her beliefs;
To be at ease in her pain and suffering.
I beseech the One who removed her from this Earth,
And left me here to decay in her shadow.

I am standing in her shadow,
Sobbing in her shadow,

I am hiding in her shadow,
To abide by her shadow;
To gain prosperity
And longevity
To walk forever in her shadow.

I woke up at 4:30 AM this morning in tears. My heart was weak from thinking of her once again. I wrote this poem in memory of my best friend, Emily, who stood up for mental illness awareness. She helped me during my teenage and early adult years with my self-harm, suicidal thoughts, and depression.  I am so blessed and thankful to call her my friend. I supported her and listened to her rants about life and her illness as well. She will always and forever have a special place in my heart. She is the reason I decided to speak out about my mental illness. I’ve always wanted to raise mental illness awareness, but just did not know how, when, and where. I wish she was here to see this wonderful blog I created to share my story  and the movement I am about to begin this Fall.