Tag Archives: letter

An Open Letter To ‘The Friends I Pushed Away’

July 17th, 2014  9:10 AM

Dear ‘The Friends I Pushed Away’:

Words cannot describe how much I miss and wish you were still in my life today; to be there for me during some of my darkness moments and watch me recover from such a terrible downfall. But none of this is possible because you are not in my life anymore because I pushed you away; I pushed you out of my life for good and did not want you to come back. I know you are probably wondering  two things:

  1. Why did I do such a thing?
  2. And why did I not tell you what was going on at the time to prevent such an abrupt end to our tremendous friendship?

Several months and years later I am ready to talk; I am ready to tell you what happened and why I did what I did. In a way this an apology letter; it is also a letter to share a part of me I did not get the chance to share with you during our friendship because I did not want you to judge me or leave me. I know you are thinking “true friends, real friends, will always stick around” and yes, I do know that but at the time I did not see that statement actually being true. I convinced myself that nobody would ever want to be friends me “this” i.e. me.

When we first met and became friends you met a happy girl, a funny girl, an ambitious intelligent good-head-on-her-shoulders girl. Little did you know behind all of the great attributes lies a girl who struggles with self-esteem issues, fear of abandonment from loved ones, severe depression, a self-harmer, and a suicidal girl. There were only a handful of you who may have actually seen this side of me. And even in those moments I knew it bothered you greatly and you would tell me ” come on don’t talk like that, you know I am here for you” etc etc. As much as I appreciated your honesty and yearn to be there for me, I did not believe you at all. Part of me could not process exactly “how much did you really love me or how were you really going to be there for me”. When those thoughts rolled in this is where you started to see the aggressive side of me; the side of me where I started to become annoying, clingy, impulsive, extremely negative, and awkward; this led me to push you out of my life. Remember when I made suicidal threats and  would say something along the lines of, “I am going to kill myself now because of x, y, and z?” This was the major depression disorder (MDD) and the borderline personality disorder (BPD) talking, wanting you to know that I am suffering and needed help; I needed your help.  I needed you to be my supporter and be there for me. I know you are probably thinking , “But I WAS there for you. I WAS there when you cried and broke down.” And I know. I know you were there but when I did not get my way or get the response and feeling I wanted from you I withdrew myself from the relationship and pushed you away. Even when you tried your best to help, I rejected you and ignored your help. That was very very stupid on my behalf. And I am so so so sorry that I did that. I am not the one to blame my mental illness for my actions, but at the time when all of this was going on, my impulsive behavior and thoughts both seemed so natural to me; it was and still is apart of me. I could not control how I was feeling in the heat of the moment. But I know I am at fault for what I did , for pushing you away and I am tremendously sorry from the bottom of my heart. You did everything a good friend is supposed to do in a friendship and I ignored your kindness, care, love, and appreciation for me. And I feel terrible for it, again I do apologize.

Now I am aware of my actions, feelings and thoughts whenever the depression or BPD are trying to take over my life. I am getting help to become a better person; I accept myself now for who I, for my mental illness and for the things I cannot change. I know I cannot change the past or my actions but I want you to know that I still love you despite how I treated you during our precious friendship. I know you may think I am a crazy walking psycho for everything I did in our friendship and I cannot express to you how sorry I am. Not a day goes by where I cannot stop thinking about our trips, movie sessions, sleepover, dinners and all of the wonderful times we once spent laughing together. I know life goes on; people move on from the past and go on to achieve bigger and greater things. And I am so proud of you and everything you are doing with your life. We may never see eye to eye again, but I want you to know that you will always be a special friend to me in my life and I will always hold a special place for you in my heart.

I love you to the moon and back and I am so thankful I got the chance to know and have met such a wonderful person.

I am wishing you all the best in your future endeavors.

All my love,


In All Honesty, I Love You.

July 11, 2014  7:51 PM

This is a follow-up poem to the letter I wrote to a very special someone who has played an instrumental role in my recovery. He is currently away at  his big summer internship up North, but contacts me every now and then. I think he knows about my blog, but not the fact I’ve written about him almost twice now. Anyway, he is very special to me and a great friend. Enjoy! & No, we are not dating!

In all honesty,
I thank you for listening to me
Being there for me
Singing to me
Holding me
And protecting me from the eye the storm;
But I must go.

In all honesty,
I praise you
For the kind words
The cards
The letters
The dates
The mix-tape of my favorite songs
The tattoo on your fair skin;
But I have to go.

In all honesty,
I am in love with you
For you and only you
For your humor
Your affectionate smile
Courageous heart
Contagious laugh;
But it is time for me to go.

In all honesty,
I am here for you
Only you
Because if it were not for you
I do not even think I would be alive.
Thinking of you day and night
Simply adds an extra beat and pep to my miniature step
To continue to walk this ‘every-day’ Earth.

In all honesty,
I want to be with you
Only you
You honestly keep me alive.

So in all honesty,
I thank you
Only you
Because of you
I no longer have the urge to go.

An Open Letter to ‘The One I Am Still Alive For’

June 26th, 2014 9:56 pm

Dear ‘The One I Am Still Alive For’:

To be loved, is something I will always forever yearn.
To be liked, is something I have to prove to others.
My heart is only connected to one.
The one.
The one that makes my world go ’round and is the reason I am still alive today.

You were one of the few, one of the last people to see me the weekend before I committed suicide on that dreadful, yet marvelous Monday morning. We went to dinner at one of my favorite restaurants.  We ate and talked for two and a half hours until we both hugged at the corner of the street and went our separate ways. The hug you gave me was not like any other hugs I’ve received and felt before.  My head rested on your chest for 34 seconds and I felt your heartbeat. It was in sync with mine. Your hug felt protective. But little did you know that would have been the last time you saw my smiling face. I wish you did protect me from what happened that Monday morning. But it’s not your fault. You did not see the signs. I did not want to scare you away like I did the other guys I met in college.

It’s all my fault. It’s my fault I cannot find love. But why am I searching? Why do I have to be the one to find the love? I am not talking about the ‘fairytale’ kind of love.

The act and feeling one gets from someone recognizing that he or she is important to them.
When will the person I dream of step into my life and tell me “I love you”? You told me “I got much love for ya” not exactly “I love you” but honestly I will take it because I rarely hear the word “love” addressed to me. I’m not going to fight it; I understand our relationship is purely platonic. I am young, but not dumb. Smart, but no genius.  Just an extraordinary woman living in an ordinary world.

I wrote letters to all of the loved ones in my life that Monday morning. I wrote one to you too. I will always remember what I wrote because it came from this broken heart which you did not break. I did. You are so genuine and caring. I need your support and care in my life. But, it won’t be so. We are far away from each other. We keep in touch every now and then. When I was discharged from the hospital I came home to your response to my last text message to you. It warmed my cold heart. You sensed something was not right with me and proceeded to ask if I was alright. Not knowing how you would perceive my response, I had the courage to break my shell and open up to you. I trust you. You are an excellent listener. Something I wish everyone around me would do. You continued to check in with me each morning prior to my outpatient group therapy sessions. When my inbox read 0 messages, you were the 1 who provided me with the courage and hope to recover.

I’ve never felt this way for anyone. This feeling is indescribable. It is not love. Nor lust. It is hope. You gave and continue to give me the hope to make it through each day. And I thank you for being there for me in the midst of it all. You’re the reason I am still alive. I know I am not “girlfriend” material for you or anyone.  Something I’ve been told for several years now and I am okay with it. Now, I am more emotionally aware of who I am. Finally, I can say ‘I accept myself for who I am’.  I love myself.  I am ready to love someone else for a change. Rejection and I do not work well.  So, please have a noose and tree ready in the woods for me if you cannot accept me for my mental illnesses .But you are the first person ever to not reject me. You accepted me; flaws, scares and all.

You are the reason I still have hope. I need you in my life. You continue to motivate me through the eye of the storm. You are the one I am still alive for.

Much love,