July 17th, 2014 9:10 AM
Dear ‘The Friends I Pushed Away’:
Words cannot describe how much I miss and wish you were still in my life today; to be there for me during some of my darkness moments and watch me recover from such a terrible downfall. But none of this is possible because you are not in my life anymore because I pushed you away; I pushed you out of my life for good and did not want you to come back. I know you are probably wondering two things:
- Why did I do such a thing?
- And why did I not tell you what was going on at the time to prevent such an abrupt end to our tremendous friendship?
Several months and years later I am ready to talk; I am ready to tell you what happened and why I did what I did. In a way this an apology letter; it is also a letter to share a part of me I did not get the chance to share with you during our friendship because I did not want you to judge me or leave me. I know you are thinking “true friends, real friends, will always stick around” and yes, I do know that but at the time I did not see that statement actually being true. I convinced myself that nobody would ever want to be friends me “this” i.e. me.
When we first met and became friends you met a happy girl, a funny girl, an ambitious intelligent good-head-on-her-shoulders girl. Little did you know behind all of the great attributes lies a girl who struggles with self-esteem issues, fear of abandonment from loved ones, severe depression, a self-harmer, and a suicidal girl. There were only a handful of you who may have actually seen this side of me. And even in those moments I knew it bothered you greatly and you would tell me ” come on don’t talk like that, you know I am here for you” etc etc. As much as I appreciated your honesty and yearn to be there for me, I did not believe you at all. Part of me could not process exactly “how much did you really love me or how were you really going to be there for me”. When those thoughts rolled in this is where you started to see the aggressive side of me; the side of me where I started to become annoying, clingy, impulsive, extremely negative, and awkward; this led me to push you out of my life. Remember when I made suicidal threats and would say something along the lines of, “I am going to kill myself now because of x, y, and z?” This was the major depression disorder (MDD) and the borderline personality disorder (BPD) talking, wanting you to know that I am suffering and needed help; I needed your help. I needed you to be my supporter and be there for me. I know you are probably thinking , “But I WAS there for you. I WAS there when you cried and broke down.” And I know. I know you were there but when I did not get my way or get the response and feeling I wanted from you I withdrew myself from the relationship and pushed you away. Even when you tried your best to help, I rejected you and ignored your help. That was very very stupid on my behalf. And I am so so so sorry that I did that. I am not the one to blame my mental illness for my actions, but at the time when all of this was going on, my impulsive behavior and thoughts both seemed so natural to me; it was and still is apart of me. I could not control how I was feeling in the heat of the moment. But I know I am at fault for what I did , for pushing you away and I am tremendously sorry from the bottom of my heart. You did everything a good friend is supposed to do in a friendship and I ignored your kindness, care, love, and appreciation for me. And I feel terrible for it, again I do apologize.
Now I am aware of my actions, feelings and thoughts whenever the depression or BPD are trying to take over my life. I am getting help to become a better person; I accept myself now for who I, for my mental illness and for the things I cannot change. I know I cannot change the past or my actions but I want you to know that I still love you despite how I treated you during our precious friendship. I know you may think I am a crazy walking psycho for everything I did in our friendship and I cannot express to you how sorry I am. Not a day goes by where I cannot stop thinking about our trips, movie sessions, sleepover, dinners and all of the wonderful times we once spent laughing together. I know life goes on; people move on from the past and go on to achieve bigger and greater things. And I am so proud of you and everything you are doing with your life. We may never see eye to eye again, but I want you to know that you will always be a special friend to me in my life and I will always hold a special place for you in my heart.
I love you to the moon and back and I am so thankful I got the chance to know and have met such a wonderful person.
I am wishing you all the best in your future endeavors.
All my love,