Tag Archives: relationship

Is It ‘Bad’ That I’ve Lost Hope…Again?

December 6, 2014  6:02 PM

Well, it’s December and I can happily say that I successfully completed my Fall Semester at my University.  It was a fairly ‘easy’ transition semester for me as I had to take a medical leave of absence last Spring. I came back to school with high expectations for myself: to remain positive, continue to take my meds, see my psychiatrist and therapist regularly, and try my ultimate best to reconnect with others to the best of my ability. And, surprisingly I did. I’ve had one of the best semesters of my college career. Not a lot of my friends from last semester reached out to me and it’s partly my fault since well I did not reach out to them too, especially the ones I know I hurt the most. I heard through the grapevine from peers that well “I was just too crazy to be around and they needed space”. Which of course I will not fight and did not take to heart but I was and still am hurt that they could not approach me as an individual. But I moved on and my two best friends took me under their wings and made my transition back to school the best; comforting and supportive.

I did have a couple of bipolar episodes this semester including one a couple of days ago. I am much more aware of my manic – depressive episodes now than ever before. I am so open to let others know now that ‘hey, I simply do not want to be bothered today…I am not myself’. Of course, I would only tell this to a selective group of people who understood what it is I am going through. I’ve had nights I cried myself to sleep…and there would be reason behind it;  just tears  falling and I wasn’t sure if it was the depression, my meds, me thinking about my friend who passed, I just could not pin point why I was crying.

I’ve had some weird moments where I felt as though I was not myself. I felt like I was walking on Earth but felt lost on the inside; I did not know where I was going. There were a couple of nights this semester I would walk out of my bed at like 3:00 AM and roam the city streets by my campus and sit on the tracks and wait patiently for the next train to pass through the town. In the back of my mind, I would sit and ponder ‘am I going to move when the train comes or sit and let it run over my lifeless body’ there was so much going on through my head that I just could not think straight. And so I moved…and let the train pass through and not drag my body along with it. I would push and force myself off the tracks and sit in the bushes and cry my life away.

In the bushes, I would sit in silence and run my fingers through the cold mulch.  I would think about the lives I would have damaged and hurt if I took the risk and let the train run me over. What good would that have been huh? I’ve already lost someone so important and loving to me I do not think I can do the same to my friends and family. But in all honesty who am I kidding? Sometimes these thoughts roll on through like a train without breaks and just keep on trucking until it has reached a dead end…then reverses and starts a new idea and ‘sad’ process… Story of my life.

I’ve had some moments where I would literally throw myself against my bedroom walk. I would move my furniture and run into the wall and bounce back with such a headache and pain. Why?  I wanted the thoughts and voices to stop; to just shut up and leave me alone. Uncontrollable thoughts I wished I was in control of started to consume my mind, body, and soul again and I thought well, what better way to get ride of them by ‘knocking them out’.

Then I met a nice decent caring gentleman. A young man whom I thought would be a great addition to my life. We connected right away and I felt like I could talk to him about any and everything and he helped me rebuild my faith, something I lost when my friend passed away. And so we bonded and talked for almost a month.  I really started to like this guy and I haven’t felt this way for someone in a while since everything that has happened to me. So I told him. And of course I received the usual …”I’m flattered but I don’t feel or see you in the same way and the right person will come …”.  I lost part of my soul and dignity in life that day the moment those words were uttered.  So here I am writing this entry about ‘Is it bad that I’ve lost hope?’ because I’ve lost hope again in new beginnings…foundations…relationships…life. I’m a failure… I had to have done or said something in that month to ‘make’ him not like me…I didn’t tell him at all that I was bipolar and suffer from clinical depression. That’s my personal business and I was afraid that if I did open up about it to him, it would have turned him away. It wasn’t for long that my manic side showed through and my borderline personality disorder. I transformed into this different person when he told me how he felt and I overreacted and he witnessed it from the beginning to the end. Our friendship ended on a terrible note and I was the driving force behind it. Of course, I thought things were looking up in my life, I had my two best friends in my life, classes were going great, social life back in full effect and a possible new relationship in the works… but the latter was tainted because of the true person I am on the inside…

And so now I question…where is hope? Where is this desire or exception for certain things to happen in my life. I mean yes I am alive and well and healthy and happy but hope? I’ve lost it…again…and now I just do not know if ‘living’ is what I want to do..Do I truly want to sit around and wait for things to happen? If so, I need to learn to be patient but of course manic and patience are never used in the same sentence.

In the meantime, I do have other things to focus and work on and I do have the right people standing behind me. I thought I would feel different 7 months later, but there is still a root deep down inside of me ready to break away from the trunk of life I’ve established thus far…only time will tell.

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The End Is Near.

September 14th, 2014  7:08 PM

Life is an obstacle;
Please, forgive me for making shortcuts.
As a matter of fact,
Please, forgive me for making cuts.
Upon the forearm that my Mother gave me
And the upper thigh from which my Father used to raise me.

Tell me that I am loved;
Scratch that, tell me that I am worth it.
Tell me that my birthright is right
And that I have a place here in your nest.
A room for me to protest
Against the poison
Stated against me
Used against me
Engraved in me.

Save me from the end;
The unexpected climax
Of my treacherous journey.
Let me bury my face
In the pit of your blossom soul
In hopes for my mustard seed faith
To bloom and grow.

The end is near;
Oh, dear please forgive me
For my wrongs and rights.
My dues have been subdued
By the voices of the past.
Correct me if I am wrong
But I know that I can no longer go on.

I am troubled.
Sick and tired of living
In this downright bubble.
Cuddle me righteous;
Cuddle me gracious;
Cover me with serenity
To discourage the forthcoming feeling
That my end is near.

You’re The One

August 31, 2014  12:17 PM

At evening’s dusk
I channel my inner must
To wish upon the present moon
To send me my future cocoon.

Already wrapped in my skins galore,
I know that forever more
That inside lies my charming everlasting companion.

Secretly he does not know
That the silk that intertwines around our love
Is broken, vandalized, and mutilated;
By the words from my past,
The actions of the present,
And the worries for tomorrow.

His victorious voice
Breaks the immaculate walls
Of my protective future for my prosperous life.

The scars reappear on my upper wrist
From the inner pain I once concealed
Of the kindle emotions
I hid despite our outward attraction towards one another.

You’re the one who gives me hope;
You’re the one I had a reason to spoke.
You’re the one who causes my scars to fade away;
You’re the one I want to be with all day.
You’re the one who makes me find a way
To live this life everyday.
You’re the one I do not want to leave this Earth for;
You’re the one I want to stay around with forever more.
You’re the one who erases my choice to take my life;
You’re the one I thank for being in this rocky life.

Home, At Last.

August 23, 2014  6:48 PM

Jumping the broom;
Entering a new segment.
Lifting my mind, body, and soul across the current threshold.
Leaving all my worries, doubts, and pain behind,
Putting my solicitous meager heart on the line.
Forgetting all the consequences that may come my merry way,
Still needing to say, “Where is my place in this illustrious World?”
Can I please just take a minute to hurl?
Stopping to take a second to reflect on the World;
And thanking the ones who brought me through the whirlwind.
Who stopped my head from continuously spinning
And put a halt to my inner madness.
I am glad the sunshine appeared through my darkness
And washed the rain away from my pale eyes.
To scatter the pain into the deep blue thin air
And watch as the rainbow shine in the midst of my silhouette shadow.
To feel the cool sea breeze brush against my winter face
I can feel my surrounding oasis embrace;
Tugging and hugging and reeling me in.
I love this feeling;
I adore this feeling.
I will abide by this feeling;
This sentiment is equivalent to home.
I am home, at last.

Happiness at My Funeral.

August 9, 2014  8:47 AM

Enter two by two into my Great Grandfather’s Christian Cathedral.
Greet one another with a solemn tear and a hearty hug.
Point your nose upward toward the altar and greet me with a silhouette smile.
Sit and hold hands with my cohort to feel my everlasting presence pump through your living veins.
Listen to the immaculate words of the Priest as he presents the celebration of my life.
Hear the blithe story of my life and watch as I rebirth through song, laughter, and dance.
Reminisce on the fountain days of my youth and squeeze the palm of your neighbor’s hand to reassure them I am still with you.
Wipe the tears from your eyes to see the World clearer now than ever before.
Walk the Earth that appeared so cold and blue to me and turn the cold to shame;
Warm the grounds with your robust feet and whisper prosperity to the wind to comfort my lost soul.
The ones that cared the most for my imperfect mind, body, and soul will stay behind the mass
To find the courage and passion to comfort the ones who have fallen to their knees by my coffin.
Use your inner strength and happiness to raise them to their feet and wipe the tears flowing from their feeble eyes.
Face my coffin with them in your arms, close your eyes, and listen for my faint voice in the distance.
Hear my final declaration,

“You are loved by me.
Today, tomorrow, and forever.
Please do not cry.
I am still here
And will be with you
Right by your side
To witness your future endeavors.
I want happiness at my funeral.
Be happy despite the fact
I am not with you.
Go forth and do good.
I promise you will
Prosper and grow.”

Leave the Christian Cathedral arm in arm with someone new you have never met before.
Account for this persons well-being from now until infinity.
Greet and hug my family as you exit.
Exchange a condolence or two with my parents and address how much of an impact I had on your life
To reassure them it was not their fault for my wrongdoing.
Grab the petals of my life;
Let them go;
Watch as they mass together to form the rare completion of what used to be my broken heart.
I am at last happy and at peace.