Tag Archives: relationship

Is It ‘Bad’ That I’ve Lost Hope…Again?

December 6, 2014  6:02 PM

Well, it’s December and I can happily say that I successfully completed my Fall Semester at my University.  It was a fairly ‘easy’ transition semester for me as I had to take a medical leave of absence last Spring. I came back to school with high expectations for myself: to remain positive, continue to take my meds, see my psychiatrist and therapist regularly, and try my ultimate best to reconnect with others to the best of my ability. And, surprisingly I did. I’ve had one of the best semesters of my college career. Not a lot of my friends from last semester reached out to me and it’s partly my fault since well I did not reach out to them too, especially the ones I know I hurt the most. I heard through the grapevine from peers that well “I was just too crazy to be around and they needed space”. Which of course I will not fight and did not take to heart but I was and still am hurt that they could not approach me as an individual. But I moved on and my two best friends took me under their wings and made my transition back to school the best; comforting and supportive.

I did have a couple of bipolar episodes this semester including one a couple of days ago. I am much more aware of my manic – depressive episodes now than ever before. I am so open to let others know now that ‘hey, I simply do not want to be bothered today…I am not myself’. Of course, I would only tell this to a selective group of people who understood what it is I am going through. I’ve had nights I cried myself to sleep…and there would be reason behind it;  just tears  falling and I wasn’t sure if it was the depression, my meds, me thinking about my friend who passed, I just could not pin point why I was crying.

I’ve had some weird moments where I felt as though I was not myself. I felt like I was walking on Earth but felt lost on the inside; I did not know where I was going. There were a couple of nights this semester I would walk out of my bed at like 3:00 AM and roam the city streets by my campus and sit on the tracks and wait patiently for the next train to pass through the town. In the back of my mind, I would sit and ponder ‘am I going to move when the train comes or sit and let it run over my lifeless body’ there was so much going on through my head that I just could not think straight. And so I moved…and let the train pass through and not drag my body along with it. I would push and force myself off the tracks and sit in the bushes and cry my life away.

In the bushes, I would sit in silence and run my fingers through the cold mulch.  I would think about the lives I would have damaged and hurt if I took the risk and let the train run me over. What good would that have been huh? I’ve already lost someone so important and loving to me I do not think I can do the same to my friends and family. But in all honesty who am I kidding? Sometimes these thoughts roll on through like a train without breaks and just keep on trucking until it has reached a dead end…then reverses and starts a new idea and ‘sad’ process… Story of my life.

I’ve had some moments where I would literally throw myself against my bedroom walk. I would move my furniture and run into the wall and bounce back with such a headache and pain. Why?  I wanted the thoughts and voices to stop; to just shut up and leave me alone. Uncontrollable thoughts I wished I was in control of started to consume my mind, body, and soul again and I thought well, what better way to get ride of them by ‘knocking them out’.

Then I met a nice decent caring gentleman. A young man whom I thought would be a great addition to my life. We connected right away and I felt like I could talk to him about any and everything and he helped me rebuild my faith, something I lost when my friend passed away. And so we bonded and talked for almost a month.  I really started to like this guy and I haven’t felt this way for someone in a while since everything that has happened to me. So I told him. And of course I received the usual …”I’m flattered but I don’t feel or see you in the same way and the right person will come …”.  I lost part of my soul and dignity in life that day the moment those words were uttered.  So here I am writing this entry about ‘Is it bad that I’ve lost hope?’ because I’ve lost hope again in new beginnings…foundations…relationships…life. I’m a failure… I had to have done or said something in that month to ‘make’ him not like me…I didn’t tell him at all that I was bipolar and suffer from clinical depression. That’s my personal business and I was afraid that if I did open up about it to him, it would have turned him away. It wasn’t for long that my manic side showed through and my borderline personality disorder. I transformed into this different person when he told me how he felt and I overreacted and he witnessed it from the beginning to the end. Our friendship ended on a terrible note and I was the driving force behind it. Of course, I thought things were looking up in my life, I had my two best friends in my life, classes were going great, social life back in full effect and a possible new relationship in the works… but the latter was tainted because of the true person I am on the inside…

And so now I question…where is hope? Where is this desire or exception for certain things to happen in my life. I mean yes I am alive and well and healthy and happy but hope? I’ve lost it…again…and now I just do not know if ‘living’ is what I want to do..Do I truly want to sit around and wait for things to happen? If so, I need to learn to be patient but of course manic and patience are never used in the same sentence.

In the meantime, I do have other things to focus and work on and I do have the right people standing behind me. I thought I would feel different 7 months later, but there is still a root deep down inside of me ready to break away from the trunk of life I’ve established thus far…only time will tell.

There Is Still Time!!!

Hello Phoenix Followers!

I am looking to take my mental health awareness advocacy to the next level in hopes to raise awareness not only locally, but internationally. To do so, I would like to mail out ~50 Phoenix Encouragement Cards to my followers to show my love, care, and support during your recovery and mental health journey. There is still time to sign up for a letter from me all the way from the US!

Send me an email at phoenixtherebirth042013@gmail.com with the following:

Name & Address
Short bio about yourself (interest, career, favorite color/song etc. almost anything!)
150-250 words about your mental health story and/or diagnosis (Whatever you are comfortable sharing with me)
Included with the card you will also receive a custom-made wristband bracelet I designed that says: “URLOVED. Speak UP. Speak Out. Save a life” that you can wear to remind yourself that you are always loved.

My goal is to have the letters mailed out by Mid-November. The last day to submit the information above is Friday October 3rd, 2014. If you have any questions about the cards please feel free to contact me directly.

It is my passion to help others and I know there are some out there who do not have a strong support network during difficult times. The purpose of these personalized cards is to give you an extra source of support and encouragement you can always look at during your relapses or downfalls.

Thank you all for your support & I cannot wait to mail out Phoenix Encouragement Cards!

Much love,

Phoenix

Raise mental health awareness. Stop the stigma. Save a life.

The End Is Near.

September 14th, 2014  7:08 PM

Life is an obstacle;
Please, forgive me for making shortcuts.
As a matter of fact,
Please, forgive me for making cuts.
Upon the forearm that my Mother gave me
And the upper thigh from which my Father used to raise me.

Tell me that I am loved;
Scratch that, tell me that I am worth it.
Tell me that my birthright is right
And that I have a place here in your nest.
A room for me to protest
Against the poison
Stated against me
Used against me
Engraved in me.

Save me from the end;
The unexpected climax
Of my treacherous journey.
Let me bury my face
In the pit of your blossom soul
In hopes for my mustard seed faith
To bloom and grow.

The end is near;
Oh, dear please forgive me
For my wrongs and rights.
My dues have been subdued
By the voices of the past.
Correct me if I am wrong
But I know that I can no longer go on.

I am troubled.
Sick and tired of living
In this downright bubble.
Cuddle me righteous;
Cuddle me gracious;
Cover me with serenity
To discourage the forthcoming feeling
That my end is near.

World Suicide Prevention Day 9.10.14

September 10, 2014 12:00 AM

Today, Wednesday September 10th, 2014 marks World Suicide Prevention Day.  Around the world on this day, millions of others like myself not only remember those who took their own lives and sought suicide as their way out, but we come together to raise suicide prevention awareness and work to educate others on the warning signs and risk factors of suicide and mental illness.

Suicide is a major public health problem all around the globe. The psychological pain that leads one to take their life is unimaginable. Their death leaves families and friends in a situation where they do not understand what drove that individual to that point to take their own life. Suicide also has a major ripple effect on communities and it is our duty to bring awareness and help educate others.

Suicide is a taboo topic and NEEDS to be discussed appropriately. I am a proud supporter of suicide prevention because it is something that hits home for me.  Today, I stand strong as an attempted suicide survivor  and a mental health advocate in my local community. I know what it feels like to not only lose someone to suicide, but being the victim as well.  The warning signs and triggers that lead someone to suicide is unpredictable. It is very very VERY hard to try to sympathize and empathize with a suicidal person and you must be willing to put them first during their depressive/manic/suicidal state.

My goal is for others to view suicide like any other medical disease out in the world. Just like HIV/AIDS and cancer, suicide spreads and damages and effects the mind, body, and soul. Suicide is death and death means the permanent ending of a precious life.

It takes one person to change another humans life for the good.

It takes one person to extend a strong hand towards an unstable depressed/manic human to encourage them to extend back.

It only takes me and you to speak up and be the voice for those who are suffering to show and tell them that is alright to speak up.

Now, of course I do not go around telling every single person I meet that I have Major Depressive Disorder (clinical depression), Borderline personality disorder, had self-harm and have attempted suicide +4 times. No! Am I ashamed of it? Not at all. But, I turn my past into change and hope to make a difference in another persons life.  I use my story as a way to connect to others like myself to show them that I too have been through the rain, fire, hail, and wind and now I am walking on rainbows and rays of sunshine turning the negative into positives by trying to educate others on the importance on suicide prevention and mental health. I am very open about my mental health journey because in the process I have grown tremendously through the recovery and some relapses.

It is all about the people who support your life, your existence, and your mental illness and well being. Prior to my attempt, I felt as thought I had nobody who understood me and why I was so depressed or why I wanted to harm or take my own life. But, after my attempt all of those people who I “thought” did not care, cared all along, I was blind to see their love and affection for me. Today, all of those people I ignored, pushed away, and isolated myself from, are now my biggest supporters as I walk through my recovery. Know that there are people out there who really do care. It is going to take an arm and a leg to let them into your life but trust me it is all worth it and in the end you will be so thankful that you opened up to at least 1 trustworthy person.

Please, join me today to raise suicide prevention to help save another life.

If you are having suicidal thoughts or contemplating suicide know that you are not alone; know that there is help. But, most certainly know that there is hope. Hope for you, hope for your future, hope for your life.

Visit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention to read and learn about the warning signs and triggers/risk factors of suicide. There are a ton of resources on the AFSP website on how to talk to a suicidal person and ways that you can be of help. Please, take advantage to learn and know the signs to help save a life.

I created this video to promote World Suicide Prevention Day and to remember my good friend Emily who took her life on March 26th.  Please share with loved ones you know who are suffering with any mental illness and have had thoughts of suicide.

 Tonight I light a candle in memory of my friend and in remembrance of all those who took their lives in 2014.

National Suicide Prevention Week: Part I

September 8, 2014  1:50 PM

I light a candle in honor of those who sought suicide as an option to answer their problems.

I light a candle to burn the ashes of stigma associated with suicide and mental illness.

I light a candle to shed light on the taboo topic we all know as suicide.

I light a candle to forgive myself for attempting suicide four times in the past eight years.

I light a candle to shine bright in the midst of the dark cloud hovering above the silent ones.

I light a candle for the family members and friends who have lost a loved one to suicide.

I light a candle in hopes to raise mental health awareness and suicide prevention across the world.


To kick off National Suicide Prevention Week, this past weekend I did a photo-shoot to showcase my mental illness to raise awareness in my local community.  In honor of my friend who took her own life on March 26, I centered the theme of my photo-shoot around one of her favorites quote, “What I Dream of is an art of Balance…” –Henri Matisse. 

Several of my friends have questioned why am I so determined to raise mental health awareness and suicide prevention.  In all honesty, I personally can relate to mental health and suicide.  I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder and Borderline personality disorder and it is hard for others to understand why I act, feel, think, and do what I do on a daily basis. The only way I can connect to my friends and friend is to share my story and talk about mental health/suicide prevention.

My goal is raise mental health awareness and suicide prevention to one day help encourage others to speak out about their emotions and thoughts before resulting to suicide or self-harm.  My passion is to be the voice for the silent sufferers to show them that it is okay to talk and encourage them that they are never alone.

Please enjoy the following pictures from my mental health awareness photo-shoot. Wednesday September 10th, 2014 is National Suicide Prevention Day across the globe. I created a video to promote Suicide Prevention which will be posted Wednesday!

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If you or a loved one are having thoughts of suicide or self-harm please know that there is help and there is hope. Please reach out and seek appropriate help. Call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline number 1-800-273-8255. Know that you are not alone and that your are loved.

~Phoenix