Tag Archives: relationship

Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award!

I am honored and forever grateful to have been nominated for the  Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award by EtFoster at It’s Usually the Quiet Ones and Writer X at Thoughts from a spare room.

sisterhood-of-world-blogger-award1Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award recognizes women bloggers from all around the world. I like to view this award as an opportunity to acknowledge phenomenal women bloggers who blog about a variety of topics from feminism to mental illness to even their experiences and advice on love and romance.

If you wish to accept this award, the following guidelines are below. There is no pressure to accept the award. I find your blog welcoming, genuine and sisterly.

The steps for the Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award are as follows:

  • Thank the person who nominated you for the award! A warm, hearty, & standing ovation thank you to EtFoster and Writer X for recognizing the good in my blog and welcoming me into the sisterhood!
  • Add the Sisterhood of World Bloggers Award logo to your post and blog.
  • Answer 10 questions provided to you by the person who nominated you.
  • Provide 10 questions of your own for your nominees to answer.
  • Nominate 10 bloggers for the award and notify them.

Questions for me to answered by both EtFoster and Writer X.

  1. Favorite flavor of ice-cream? –Cake Batter
  2. If you could be a certain age again, which age would it be and why? – If I could be a certain age again it would be 12 because that was the last year I remember and felt like a normal child prior to entering middle school where my mental illnesses started to fester and grow and changed me life.
  3. Do you listen to classical music? – Now, I do not. Growing up I used to all time because I was in the band and choir and just loved and adore the technique and style in the music.
  4. Favorite animal, fictional or real? – Rabbits/bunnies
  5. Have you ever seen an opera or ballet? If so which? – I have not but it is on my bucket list to do and see. This is like my ideal date with someone one day.
  6. The one fad you never really got into? – Purse shopping. Wearing purses, not entirely my thing I like to be a free woman while walking places.
  7. What is your favorite post of yours?- A poem a wrote in honor of my late friend Emily a poem titled Walking in Her Shadow.
  8. What was your first job? –Working as a cashier and drive thru taker at Burger King.
  9. Cats or dogs? – Dogs
  10. What’s your hobby outside of blogging? – Baking and cooking pasta.

Questions for my Nominees to answer:

  1. What was your favorite food when you were a child?
  2. What’s the #1 most played song on your iPod or music device?
  3. What is one of your favorite quotes?
  4. What’s your favorite indoor/outdoor activity?
  5. What chore do you absolutely hate doing?
  6. What is your favorite form of exercise?
  7. What is your favorite month of the year?
  8. What’s your least favorite mode of transportation?
  9. What do you miss most about being a kid?
  10. What is your first memory of being really excited?

My Nominees:

The list below is no particular order. All of the blogs below are very inspiring and I hope they inspire you too. Please check them out and support their story!

  1. Living, Breathing, and Surviving , and Coping with Mental Illness
  2. bipolar2what
  3. My Psyche Reads
  4. Finding Your Inner Happiness
  5. Breaking the Silence
  6. So Illuminate Me
  7. Tough Momma Bear
  8. Journey in the Woods
  9.  Feministe Poetique
  10. Always we begin again…

Again, I thank you all, my brothers and sisters in the Blogging World for supporting Phoenix – The Rebirth of My Life and witness as I rise from the burning ashes of my mental illness.

My goal is to:

Raise mental illness awareness. Stop the stigma. Save a life.

Sending positive vibes your way,

Phoenix

Today, I Overdosed.

August 2nd, 2014  8:09 PM

Today, I overdosed;
Made the courageous righteous decision to die
Of laughter, pain, fear, and sorrow.

Today, I overdosed;
As I watched the love of my life
Walk out and abandoned me on the front steps for another woman;
For someone more “appealing”, “long-standing”, “sensible”, and “happier” than I am.
There I was,
Out on a short limb stranded alone to die.
So I cried;
A tear for each friend I miraculously used my two bloody hands to push away;
A tear for the vigorous hearts I stepped upon and broke perfectly into two whole pieces.

Today, I overdosed;
As I tried to use my two feeble hands to pull the 6 inch knife out from my brawny back.
The knife you used to stab me in the back.

Today, I overdosed;
Because I was locked in a white room strapped to a musty hospital bed for 8 whole days with no one there to hold my hand.
I laid there for 8 whole days waiting patiently to hear that I’ve received a phone call from a loved one saying, “I love you”.
But, no.
I lifelessly hopelessly laid there.

Today, I overdosed;
Because my own flesh and blood want nothing more to do with me;
They cannot stand the naked sight of being related to
A maniac.
A psychotic, crazy Homo Sapien like me.

Today, I overdosed;
Because I slit my wrist 12 times for the pain each person has caused me in the last 12 hours.
I stained my warm blood on the cold ice presented to me.
There I sat and watched my contagious acute blood melt the living life out of something so glossy, solid, and frozen.

Today, I overdosed;
Because I was told
I am like a broken toy that cannot be fixed.
I am not worth replacing batteries for;
I am not worth another cent from a loved one’s wealthy pocket.

Today, I overdosed;
I received a call from my local bank saying I have $5.18 to my Golden name.
I am homeless.
I have no green cash to spend on clothes, food, or water.
Nobody wants to let this lost soul in
So, I decided to overdose.

Today, I overdosed;
I failed to call for help during
My manic, hypo-manic, depressive episode.
I tried to call, but there was no number to dial.
So, I decided to overdose.

Today, I overdosed;
Because I pulled the last straw of hope
From a gigantic bundle presented to me
After my most recent discharge from the hospital.
It split in half and fell nonchalantly to the rocky ground.
My hope is gone.
So, I decided to overdose.

I have found my inner happiness
And it is not to be here
Walking through the valley of this shallow Earth.

I have found my joy
And it is not to be here
Singing my painful song to an ignorant sea of sane adults.

I have found my peace
And it is not to be here;
But, it lies 10 feet above my tombstone
Beyond the depths of the bright Northern star.

Today, I overdosed;
To say goodbye to what could have been a happier tomorrow.


The events presented and illustrated above are true experiences of mine. Not all of them are situations I have experienced but I have witnessed and felt. I wrote this for others, like myself, who can relate to the pain, thoughts, feelings and uncontrollable behaviors of various mental illnesses during different episodes. Please, seek help if this post has triggered any sensitive sensors in your life or call the suicide prevention hotline number, 1-800-273-8255.

Take Me Back.

August 1st, 2014  4:02 PM

Take me back,
And let me fall to eternity in your brawny tan arms.
Smile a mile,
And let me chase you into the mid-evening sunset.
Kiss my scars,
And tell me I am beautiful inside and out.
Forgive me,
For the several transient mistakes I made during our long-ago relationship.
Help me,
Acknowledge and recognize our past;
Run with me to get over the approaching hurdles.
Hug me,
To reassure me that my lonesome days are over;
And that you will be there to help me weather the storm.
Call my name,
So I can hear your alluring voice calm my trembling waters.
Sing to me,
The lyrics of our future so I have something to hum about during my darkest moments.
Hold my hand,
And squeeze your courageous spirit into mine.
Touch me,
Check my bubbly pulse and liquidate my chills.
Caress my lifeless body,
And transfer your warmth, love, and seductive soul
To sync our heartbeats to become one.
Take me back,
And tell me that everything is going to be alright;
And that I, too, deserve a happy life with you.

Me + You + BPD = My Failed Relationships + Suicidal Ideation.

July 30th, 2014  3:04 PM

Recently, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I did not know what BPD was and how I developed symptoms for such disorder, but while I was hospitalized I was assessed using the DSM-V diagnostic criteria and an in-person interview with a psychiatrist which revealed several symptoms for Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), bipolar tendencies (I did not show enough symptoms to be diagnosed with Type I or Type II Bipolar disorder but showed symptoms of manic/hypo-manic episodes) and the famous BPD.

What  exactly is Borderline Personality Disorder? BPD is a very serious mental disorder which results in unstable relationships with other people, instability in mood and behavior. This can lead to impulsive behavior and suicide. I do not want to give a full lecture on the reigns of BPD, but you can find out more information about the disorder here. I do want to acknowledge the key symptoms for my BPD that were found during my assessment.

At the end of my assessment with my psychiatrist from the psychiatric hospital he found the following symptoms:

**Note: Below is a summary of the diagnosis for my Borderline Personality Disorder from my psychiatrist. I am not a mental health professional and the symptoms shown below may or may not apply to you if you believe you may have BPD. I recommend you to use this as an informational and if you question whether you may have BPD I highly recommend you to see a mental health professional or a psychiatrist to follow-up with the symptoms and description listed on the website above for BPD.**

Patient shows:

  1. Serious fear of abandonment from loved ones, significant others, and people.
  2. Severe suicidal ideation/self harm behavior (may cut or bruise self due to abandonment, loneliness, insecurity, and lack of attention). Patient has made 2 suicide attempts due to unstable relationships with other people in the past.
  3. Impulsive behavior (Patient acknowledges and shows that she has engaged in excessive spending sprees, excessive eating, and reckless behavior).
  4. Struggles with self-esteem and self-image issues (Unstable self-image, believes that she is not worthy to live or be with other people in life due to self-image and perception of who she is).
  5. Variance in mood swings during short periods of time when she engages with other people who tend to upset her. Sometimes she gets highly agitated, sensitive, and annoyed by other people for no reason and tend to switch moods. She will shut down and push people away as a result of her instability in mood.
  6. Constantly feels worthlessness, hopelessness, emptiness, and constant loneliness; experience and show unknown sadness during different periods in a day or week which may be triggered by other people.
  7. Tends to lose patience quickly with others when she does not get her way and this results in loss of her temper and physical fights with other people.

After going over my diagnosis with my current out-patient psychiatrist, she asked me to walk her through some examples of times I experienced some of the symptoms I was diagnosed with above so she could get the feel of my BPD and the severity and damage it has caused me to function mentally and emotionally with not only myself but other people.

Below are a few experiences I’ve had in the past that were caused by my Borderline Personality Disorder. However, at the time I was unaware of my actions and did not know between the ages of 13-21 that I had BPD. After my diagnosis, I was able to connect the dots to some of my severe actions, self-harm, and constant suicidal threats/attempts.

  • My psychiatrist wanted to know if I had shown any signs of attachment and fear of abandonment as a young girl and since I could not recall my behaviors at such a young age she asked my mother to sit in on a session to walk her through my childhood.  My mom noticed that between ~8 mos to 5 years of age I was overly attached to her and had to be with her every second of the day; to the point where I actually would sit in the bathroom with her as she showered because I did not want her to leave me alone by myself. This showed some fear of abandonment but nothing too extreme where my psychiatrist could note the beginning of my BPD.
  • As I got older it was very hard for me to maintain long-term relationships with friends because I could not bear the lack of attention from them, their unwillingness to understand why I was “awkward” and “weird” at times, and my constant paranoia that they did not like me for who I was and that they ignored me for no apparent reason, but in reality they were not doing those things; I convinced myself that they were.
  • It was not until middle school where I noticed that I had a difficult time connecting  with my classmates and making friends. I felt embarrassed to eat lunch with the other students in the cafeteria because I perceived myself as “fat” and “ugly” and this lead to anorexia nervosa between the ages of 13 and 14. In 8th grade and parts of high school I would actually eat my lunch in the girls bathroom  (sometimes skip lunch) to avoid feeling that I did not fit in with others; I was paranoid and thought that everyone was looking at me because on the inside I felt “different”.
  • I had a best friend from 4th to 6th grade who lived in my neighborhood and that relationship ended abruptly because I convinced myself she did not like me for who I was at the time and talked about me behind my back to other people but in reality she did not. I would verbally fight with her and threaten our friendship, and threaten to cut myself, so she would not leave me.
  • 8th grade year I met a boy at a summer camp and became really attached to his personality.  We talked every day however I became overbearing, needy, and annoying because if he did not talk to me I would assume he was talking to other girls or ignoring me because I was “weird”. I changed my personality to become someone I was not to “make him like me” based on the crowd he associated himself with. Beginning of my freshmen year in high school we talked and I thought he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend but months later I found out he started to date another girl. So I threatened to kill myself to make him “come back” to me.  He called my mother and told her about my suicidal threats and self harm. I did cut myself for 2 months straight during this rough period because I was hurt and in pain. This lead to my first hospitalization in 2008.
  • In high school I met two girls at a summer program and we all clicked instantly. Months into our friendship they stopped talking to me and I felt lonely and angry when they did not include me in fun events they planned. Of course I found out about their gatherings via social media and this angered me and I became frustrated. So one night I drank a ‘small swig’ of bleach to try to kill myself because the two girls left me and did not want to be my friend anymore. But I also should note that during our friendship I did push them away because of my extreme sadness and rocky mood swings.
  • My freshmen year in college I met another guy in a class and from afar I was really attracted to him and approached him to get to know him. We talked frequently throughout my first two years of college. My feelings for him grew throughout the months , however I could tell he was not genuinely into me because I came off very needy, annoying at times, pushy, awkward, and weird. I would argue with him a lot about obscure things which lead to some impulsive and violent behavior.  One time during our friendship I took a kitchen knife and tried to cut and harm myself in his presence and he fought with me to get the knife back but I refused.  After that altercation I did self harm (cut) for a short period of time. One evening he took me to go babysitting and I started to argue with him in the car and I got really upset and angry to the point where I opened the car door in mid drive with the intention to jump out of the moving vehicle. With this person I made several suicidal threats throughout the duration of our friendship.

And the list of examples goes on and on and on. My psychiatrist did an excellent job using Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) to map out my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors during episodes where I began to feel the symptoms of my BPD. The examples above were developed by the CBT model to first knowledge the thought I had in the moment followed by how I felt due to those thoughts and how my thoughts and feelings affect my behavior in that specific situation.

Once my psychiatrist and I were able to map out those impulsive behaviors we moved onto using Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) a cognitive behavioral approach to help develop basic social skills and problem solving skills to use during my rocky relationships with others and extreme mood swing episodes.  Currently I am working on learning acceptance skills for moments where I feel like rejection or abandonment are coming on and emotion regulation techniques which helps me with my chronic suicidal ideation, threats, attempts and self harm.

I plan to continue my DBT treatment with both my therapist/psychiatrist and take my prescribed medications in hopes to build stronger relationships with people in the future and also mend my broken friendships from the past.

The Crimson Corsage

July 24, 2014  11:49 AM

My Grandfather’s clock strikes at midnight.
I sit impatiently on my Grandmother’s couch
To wait for the feverish knock
Of the late evening.
My Mother’s clock coo coo’s
Five minutes past darkness.
My head turns and face
My Father’s oak based door
Where I hear the knock.
I sit upright and squeeze
Tightly into my Great Grandmother’s evening gown
To stand
In hopes to meet my most prized-possession across
My Uncle’s handmade wooded tile-like floor.
My frozen heart
Melts to the
Desiccated ticking
Of my Aunt’s clock
Tucked away in the infamous attic.
It liquidates
The chills that course through my spine as
I sashay across the midnight floor
To face my Father’s oak based homely door.
I affix my Sister’s French made bow
To my black kinky soul-less hair.
I open my Father’s oak based door
To meet the lifeless eyes of
The Grim Reaper, my Fiance to be.
He uses his
Bony index finger to push his Brother’s black top hat
To the right side of his skull-y head.
Our eyes meet at one.
He presents to me
An ivory based color corsage.
I extend my lifeless right arm
Towards his pale flushed hand.
He gently places the ivory corsage
Upon my cold chubby blue wrist.
He leans toward my virgin salmon colored lips
For a candid one minute long kiss.
A green thorny vine emerges in the mist
From my ivory corsage and pushes my fiance away in a bliss.
It slaps me against my Father’s oak based door.
The vine searches my body
And finds the spot of the source.
It hisses at me
And dives into my chilled chest
To haul out
My soulful heart.
It takes my precious beating loving heart
And places it into the empty chest cavity
Of my Fiance
Who smiles devilishly across the room at me
With his enticing promising beady little eyes.
My cold-blooded chest
Pours a pint of ruby-red blood down my lifeless body.
It flows like the river where my Great Grandfather took me
As a little girl to fish for Sunday’s supper.
It drips and falls nonchalantly down my right arm
And makes connect with the ivory based color corsage.
My blood stains the ivory corsage and turns it
Into a crimson based color.
My puny eyes watch as the prideful ivory corsage
Transforms into a dreadful crimson corsage
Which slowly sucks the meaningless life out of me.