Tag Archives: suicide

9 Months & Counting

December 12, 2014  11:37 PM

I’m hurt.  I am genuinely hurt. Words cannot describe how I feel or how hurt I am. I miss my best friend I truly do. The days are grower colder and the nights are getting longer, but the love for my friend will never freeze or become tarnish. I find myself randomly going about my day and all of a sudden in a blink of an eye a hollow tear will fall gracefully from my eye and sweep the dust particles away on my face. I weep and weep and weep, weeping that she will come back, praying that she will come back, and seeking that what she did was not true. Inevitable. My love for her is still whole, but a part of my heart died the day she took her own life. And so I sit and ponder, to wonder where was I in her deepest hour of need. Why was I not there to comfort and hold her beautiful hand? She’s not around to hold mine and so I too have thought about letting go. I think about the afterlife. Life after death. The palace of everlasting dreams and a painless retreat. I want to be there with her. To see her beautiful face as she grace the center stage and braces the coming storm with her powerful words. She was and is a fighter. She did not lose her battle to depression and bipolar. No. She fought the treason all the way to end. I am walking on a cold and shallow Earth; I am not the same anymore because she is no longer here to gallop through the field of bright yellow sunflowers in summer or roll around in the white powdery fluffy snow this winter. She is gone. They say ‘spirits leave the body after death and surround loved ones near and far’.  And she is with me. She is with us. I know because she shows herself in the little things. But I want to see her, that smile, those eyes, the nose, those fingernails. I need to hear voice. I need to hear her say ‘I love you babygirl’. I want to hug her and squeeze the air out of her chest and hear her yell , ‘Stoppp, you are crushing me’ and then kiss my nose. I am losing track of the number of tears I have shed because I miss her so much. But I have not and will not lose track of the seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, and months she has left this blue and green Earth.

9 months & counting I am still hopeless, confused, depressed, sad, angry, miserable, numb, angry, and weak.

9 months & counting I still write your name in the upper right hand corner of my class notes.

9 months & counting I cry at 5:14 PM, the time I received the news that you were gone and I fell to my knees in disbelief and bawled like a newborn baby.

9 months & counting I hear your voice in the wind and turn my head sharply hoping to see your full figure staring right back at me.

9 months & counting continuing to find the peace to bear with the sadden news.

9 months & counting know that you are loved and will always be loved by me, your family, friends, your peers and classmates.

9 months & counting I will always love you.

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The 7 Letter Word That Scares The Living Daylights Out of Humans.

September 27, 2014  11:38 PM

Having thoughts of suicide is an under-statement.
Having the urge to take my life is an over-statement.
Telling others that I am suicidal is a selfish-statement.
I am suicidal, this is the accurate-statement.

If I cannot be honest you, then why should I be honest with me?
Here I am sitting in a dark corner
Hovering my life into one quiet shell.
The only light shining in the midst of the room
Is the glow from my cold heart.
Slowing frosting over the blemishes
I want to leave behind due to my depressive manic episodes.

I wrap my life-less hands around my circular body
In hopes to suffocate the inner life
Pumping through my fragile veins.
I touch the scars, the left behind marks
Of the single headed darts which you threw
At my mistakes,
My illness,
My mishaps,
My episodes,
My sensitivity,
My inner shyness,
And
My devoted love for you.

I stand up to rejection
I stand up to instability
I stand up to fear
But, for some odd reason
I just cannot seem to stand up for me.

This world is swallowing my flesh piece by piece.
Inch by inch
Life by life.
I am suicidal, this is my statement.
I’ve lost my battle
I’ve lost the fight
I’m in a constant struggle with thoughts, feelings, and everything in sight
And all I want to do is take action.

Suicide is not so taboo to me anymore
Suicide is my buggaboo who keeps me warm at night.
Yes, I dressed it as a person
I even dressed it up as my lover.
Bear with me and my rapid thoughts
As I shed the true defining light upon
The seven letter that scares the living daylights out of humans:
Suicide.

The End Is Near.

September 14th, 2014  7:08 PM

Life is an obstacle;
Please, forgive me for making shortcuts.
As a matter of fact,
Please, forgive me for making cuts.
Upon the forearm that my Mother gave me
And the upper thigh from which my Father used to raise me.

Tell me that I am loved;
Scratch that, tell me that I am worth it.
Tell me that my birthright is right
And that I have a place here in your nest.
A room for me to protest
Against the poison
Stated against me
Used against me
Engraved in me.

Save me from the end;
The unexpected climax
Of my treacherous journey.
Let me bury my face
In the pit of your blossom soul
In hopes for my mustard seed faith
To bloom and grow.

The end is near;
Oh, dear please forgive me
For my wrongs and rights.
My dues have been subdued
By the voices of the past.
Correct me if I am wrong
But I know that I can no longer go on.

I am troubled.
Sick and tired of living
In this downright bubble.
Cuddle me righteous;
Cuddle me gracious;
Cover me with serenity
To discourage the forthcoming feeling
That my end is near.

You’re The One

August 31, 2014  12:17 PM

At evening’s dusk
I channel my inner must
To wish upon the present moon
To send me my future cocoon.

Already wrapped in my skins galore,
I know that forever more
That inside lies my charming everlasting companion.

Secretly he does not know
That the silk that intertwines around our love
Is broken, vandalized, and mutilated;
By the words from my past,
The actions of the present,
And the worries for tomorrow.

His victorious voice
Breaks the immaculate walls
Of my protective future for my prosperous life.

The scars reappear on my upper wrist
From the inner pain I once concealed
Of the kindle emotions
I hid despite our outward attraction towards one another.

You’re the one who gives me hope;
You’re the one I had a reason to spoke.
You’re the one who causes my scars to fade away;
You’re the one I want to be with all day.
You’re the one who makes me find a way
To live this life everyday.
You’re the one I do not want to leave this Earth for;
You’re the one I want to stay around with forever more.
You’re the one who erases my choice to take my life;
You’re the one I thank for being in this rocky life.

The Beautiful Blogger Award!

I am humbled and forever grateful to have been nominated for The Beautiful Blogger Award by Writer X at Thoughts from a spare room.

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The Beautiful Blogger Award recognizes bloggers who connect with their readers in a beautiful style and manner. From personal poetry to short stories, every blogger has a unique manifestation on how they want to connect their words to their viewers.

If you wish to accept this award, the following guidelines are below. There is no pressure to accept the award. I find your blog tremendously beautiful in story and in style.

The steps for The Beautiful Blogger Award are as follows:

  • Thank the person who nominated you for the award! A warm, hearty, & standing ovation thank you to Writer X for recognizing how “beautiful” my blog is!
  • Add The Beautiful Blogger Award logo to your post and blog.
  • Nominate 7 beautiful bloggers and say a little something about why you love their blog.
  • Notify the nominees by commenting on their blog

My Nominees:

The list below is no particular order. All of the blogs below are very inspiring and I hope they inspire you too. Please check them out and support their story!

  1. insightintothemindd – A young woman blogger who I can relate to not only in age but in words as well. She supports my mental health awareness journey and blogs about mental health stigma something that is dear and near to my heart. I love your inspiration.
  2. Dog Dharma’s Blog – Written by a human who blogs about their enlightenment and connect with dogs and their trials and adventures. I love this writers honesty.
  3. Living Your Wholefullness – I enjoy reading the wonderful and beautiful poetry by Shery Alexander Heinis. Her poetry makes me feel whole and complete afterwards. I love Shery’s wisdom.
  4. Bipolar-Reb – This blog is written by a young gentleman who bipolar disorder. He writes openly about his illness and politics to share his stance with other readers. I love Tyler’s openness.
  5. The Other Side of Me – A blogger who blogs about her journey through some of her darkest moments in life, something, I, too, can relate. Ally I love the hope you have instilled throughout your blog posts.
  6. Just Plain Ol’ Vic – A blogger who blogs openly about his personal experiences. He connects with his readers in a comical yet understanding way. I really do love your humor.
  7. Nonsense & Shenanigans – A tremendous and courageous woman who blogs about her battle with mental illness and shares her personal experience with her readers. Tempest Rose, I love your dedication and passion.

Again, I thank you all for supporting Phoenix – The Rebirth of My Life and witness as I rise from the burning ashes of my mental illness.

My goal is to:

Raise mental illness awareness. Stop the stigma. Save a life.

Sending positive vibes your way,

Phoenix