Tag Archives: useless

The End Is Near.

September 14th, 2014  7:08 PM

Life is an obstacle;
Please, forgive me for making shortcuts.
As a matter of fact,
Please, forgive me for making cuts.
Upon the forearm that my Mother gave me
And the upper thigh from which my Father used to raise me.

Tell me that I am loved;
Scratch that, tell me that I am worth it.
Tell me that my birthright is right
And that I have a place here in your nest.
A room for me to protest
Against the poison
Stated against me
Used against me
Engraved in me.

Save me from the end;
The unexpected climax
Of my treacherous journey.
Let me bury my face
In the pit of your blossom soul
In hopes for my mustard seed faith
To bloom and grow.

The end is near;
Oh, dear please forgive me
For my wrongs and rights.
My dues have been subdued
By the voices of the past.
Correct me if I am wrong
But I know that I can no longer go on.

I am troubled.
Sick and tired of living
In this downright bubble.
Cuddle me righteous;
Cuddle me gracious;
Cover me with serenity
To discourage the forthcoming feeling
That my end is near.

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Home, At Last.

August 23, 2014  6:48 PM

Jumping the broom;
Entering a new segment.
Lifting my mind, body, and soul across the current threshold.
Leaving all my worries, doubts, and pain behind,
Putting my solicitous meager heart on the line.
Forgetting all the consequences that may come my merry way,
Still needing to say, “Where is my place in this illustrious World?”
Can I please just take a minute to hurl?
Stopping to take a second to reflect on the World;
And thanking the ones who brought me through the whirlwind.
Who stopped my head from continuously spinning
And put a halt to my inner madness.
I am glad the sunshine appeared through my darkness
And washed the rain away from my pale eyes.
To scatter the pain into the deep blue thin air
And watch as the rainbow shine in the midst of my silhouette shadow.
To feel the cool sea breeze brush against my winter face
I can feel my surrounding oasis embrace;
Tugging and hugging and reeling me in.
I love this feeling;
I adore this feeling.
I will abide by this feeling;
This sentiment is equivalent to home.
I am home, at last.

Today, I Overdosed.

August 2nd, 2014  8:09 PM

Today, I overdosed;
Made the courageous righteous decision to die
Of laughter, pain, fear, and sorrow.

Today, I overdosed;
As I watched the love of my life
Walk out and abandoned me on the front steps for another woman;
For someone more “appealing”, “long-standing”, “sensible”, and “happier” than I am.
There I was,
Out on a short limb stranded alone to die.
So I cried;
A tear for each friend I miraculously used my two bloody hands to push away;
A tear for the vigorous hearts I stepped upon and broke perfectly into two whole pieces.

Today, I overdosed;
As I tried to use my two feeble hands to pull the 6 inch knife out from my brawny back.
The knife you used to stab me in the back.

Today, I overdosed;
Because I was locked in a white room strapped to a musty hospital bed for 8 whole days with no one there to hold my hand.
I laid there for 8 whole days waiting patiently to hear that I’ve received a phone call from a loved one saying, “I love you”.
But, no.
I lifelessly hopelessly laid there.

Today, I overdosed;
Because my own flesh and blood want nothing more to do with me;
They cannot stand the naked sight of being related to
A maniac.
A psychotic, crazy Homo Sapien like me.

Today, I overdosed;
Because I slit my wrist 12 times for the pain each person has caused me in the last 12 hours.
I stained my warm blood on the cold ice presented to me.
There I sat and watched my contagious acute blood melt the living life out of something so glossy, solid, and frozen.

Today, I overdosed;
Because I was told
I am like a broken toy that cannot be fixed.
I am not worth replacing batteries for;
I am not worth another cent from a loved one’s wealthy pocket.

Today, I overdosed;
I received a call from my local bank saying I have $5.18 to my Golden name.
I am homeless.
I have no green cash to spend on clothes, food, or water.
Nobody wants to let this lost soul in
So, I decided to overdose.

Today, I overdosed;
I failed to call for help during
My manic, hypo-manic, depressive episode.
I tried to call, but there was no number to dial.
So, I decided to overdose.

Today, I overdosed;
Because I pulled the last straw of hope
From a gigantic bundle presented to me
After my most recent discharge from the hospital.
It split in half and fell nonchalantly to the rocky ground.
My hope is gone.
So, I decided to overdose.

I have found my inner happiness
And it is not to be here
Walking through the valley of this shallow Earth.

I have found my joy
And it is not to be here
Singing my painful song to an ignorant sea of sane adults.

I have found my peace
And it is not to be here;
But, it lies 10 feet above my tombstone
Beyond the depths of the bright Northern star.

Today, I overdosed;
To say goodbye to what could have been a happier tomorrow.


The events presented and illustrated above are true experiences of mine. Not all of them are situations I have experienced but I have witnessed and felt. I wrote this for others, like myself, who can relate to the pain, thoughts, feelings and uncontrollable behaviors of various mental illnesses during different episodes. Please, seek help if this post has triggered any sensitive sensors in your life or call the suicide prevention hotline number, 1-800-273-8255.

The Crimson Corsage

July 24, 2014  11:49 AM

My Grandfather’s clock strikes at midnight.
I sit impatiently on my Grandmother’s couch
To wait for the feverish knock
Of the late evening.
My Mother’s clock coo coo’s
Five minutes past darkness.
My head turns and face
My Father’s oak based door
Where I hear the knock.
I sit upright and squeeze
Tightly into my Great Grandmother’s evening gown
To stand
In hopes to meet my most prized-possession across
My Uncle’s handmade wooded tile-like floor.
My frozen heart
Melts to the
Desiccated ticking
Of my Aunt’s clock
Tucked away in the infamous attic.
It liquidates
The chills that course through my spine as
I sashay across the midnight floor
To face my Father’s oak based homely door.
I affix my Sister’s French made bow
To my black kinky soul-less hair.
I open my Father’s oak based door
To meet the lifeless eyes of
The Grim Reaper, my Fiance to be.
He uses his
Bony index finger to push his Brother’s black top hat
To the right side of his skull-y head.
Our eyes meet at one.
He presents to me
An ivory based color corsage.
I extend my lifeless right arm
Towards his pale flushed hand.
He gently places the ivory corsage
Upon my cold chubby blue wrist.
He leans toward my virgin salmon colored lips
For a candid one minute long kiss.
A green thorny vine emerges in the mist
From my ivory corsage and pushes my fiance away in a bliss.
It slaps me against my Father’s oak based door.
The vine searches my body
And finds the spot of the source.
It hisses at me
And dives into my chilled chest
To haul out
My soulful heart.
It takes my precious beating loving heart
And places it into the empty chest cavity
Of my Fiance
Who smiles devilishly across the room at me
With his enticing promising beady little eyes.
My cold-blooded chest
Pours a pint of ruby-red blood down my lifeless body.
It flows like the river where my Great Grandfather took me
As a little girl to fish for Sunday’s supper.
It drips and falls nonchalantly down my right arm
And makes connect with the ivory based color corsage.
My blood stains the ivory corsage and turns it
Into a crimson based color.
My puny eyes watch as the prideful ivory corsage
Transforms into a dreadful crimson corsage
Which slowly sucks the meaningless life out of me.

I Promise, I Will Not Commit Suicide.

July 22, 2014  11:35 AM

I am lost
In this melancholy
Shriveled up World.
I cannot do anything
But let my soul
Weave in and out
Of banal consciousness.

I’ve come to the core
Of this valuable Earth
To realize
I, too, have a
Miraculous
Enchanting
Purpose
To walk this
Green apple Earth
Just like everyone else.

For this
I have to say
I promise, I will not commit suicide.

I promise, to only surround myself with positive and insightful people.
I promise, I will not commit suicide.

I promise, to not let myself or anyone else tell me that I am not worth living.
I promise I will not commit suicide.

I promise, to let people in and allow them to tell me I am loved and amazing.
I promise, I will not commit suicide.

I promise, to convince myself that others will miss my presence.
I promise, I will not commit suicide.

I promise, there will be a time when things will get better and I will be so glad I decided to keep on living.
I promise, I will not commit suicide.

I promise, to let the good times roll and enjoy the little things in life.
I promise, I will not commit suicide.

I promise, to be patient and wait for the day I will meet that special someone who is created to sweep me off my feet.
I promise, I will not commit suicide.

I promise, to prove people wrong; prove the ones who doubted me of my success and purpose.
I promise, I will not commit suicide.

I promise, to not fight the days when my mental illness tries to consume my mind, body, and soul; I will not let it bring me down into a deep despair to lose meaning in my life.
I promise, I will not commit suicide.

I promise, to embrace my mental illness and embrace the unique person I am.
I promise, I will not commit suicide.

I promise, to achieve my goals and dreams  in hopes to one day touch the lives of others who are struggling out there like me.
I promise, I will not commit suicide.

I promise, to believe when others tell me “I love you”.
I promise, I will not commit suicide.

I promise, to be open and reach out to loved ones during the darkest, loneliest moments in my life.
I promise, I will not commit suicide.

I promise, to let others in and not seclude myself from reality.
I promise, I will not commit suicide.

I promise, to accept my mental illness and to not question it, but most certainly not blame it for why I act and behave the way I do.
I promise, I will not commit suicide.

I promise, to believe that there are people out there who are genuinely willing to get to know the real me.
I promise, I will not commit suicide.

I promise, to share my story in hopes to help others who are struggling silently to overcome their battle with mental illness.
I promise, I will not commit suicide.

I promise, to convince myself there are people out there who rely and need me in their life in order to survive.
I promise, I will not commit suicide.

I promise, to not hurt my family, friends, and loved ones.
I promise, I will not commit suicide.

I am now at ease;
I am now at peace;
I can finally see
The power to cease
The troublesome beliefs
That I, too,
Have a unique reason
To eat,
Breathe,
And to live all the way
To eternity;
I promise, I will not commit suicide.