Tag Archives: voices

The End Is Near.

September 14th, 2014  7:08 PM

Life is an obstacle;
Please, forgive me for making shortcuts.
As a matter of fact,
Please, forgive me for making cuts.
Upon the forearm that my Mother gave me
And the upper thigh from which my Father used to raise me.

Tell me that I am loved;
Scratch that, tell me that I am worth it.
Tell me that my birthright is right
And that I have a place here in your nest.
A room for me to protest
Against the poison
Stated against me
Used against me
Engraved in me.

Save me from the end;
The unexpected climax
Of my treacherous journey.
Let me bury my face
In the pit of your blossom soul
In hopes for my mustard seed faith
To bloom and grow.

The end is near;
Oh, dear please forgive me
For my wrongs and rights.
My dues have been subdued
By the voices of the past.
Correct me if I am wrong
But I know that I can no longer go on.

I am troubled.
Sick and tired of living
In this downright bubble.
Cuddle me righteous;
Cuddle me gracious;
Cover me with serenity
To discourage the forthcoming feeling
That my end is near.

World Suicide Prevention Day 9.10.14

September 10, 2014 12:00 AM

Today, Wednesday September 10th, 2014 marks World Suicide Prevention Day.  Around the world on this day, millions of others like myself not only remember those who took their own lives and sought suicide as their way out, but we come together to raise suicide prevention awareness and work to educate others on the warning signs and risk factors of suicide and mental illness.

Suicide is a major public health problem all around the globe. The psychological pain that leads one to take their life is unimaginable. Their death leaves families and friends in a situation where they do not understand what drove that individual to that point to take their own life. Suicide also has a major ripple effect on communities and it is our duty to bring awareness and help educate others.

Suicide is a taboo topic and NEEDS to be discussed appropriately. I am a proud supporter of suicide prevention because it is something that hits home for me.  Today, I stand strong as an attempted suicide survivor  and a mental health advocate in my local community. I know what it feels like to not only lose someone to suicide, but being the victim as well.  The warning signs and triggers that lead someone to suicide is unpredictable. It is very very VERY hard to try to sympathize and empathize with a suicidal person and you must be willing to put them first during their depressive/manic/suicidal state.

My goal is for others to view suicide like any other medical disease out in the world. Just like HIV/AIDS and cancer, suicide spreads and damages and effects the mind, body, and soul. Suicide is death and death means the permanent ending of a precious life.

It takes one person to change another humans life for the good.

It takes one person to extend a strong hand towards an unstable depressed/manic human to encourage them to extend back.

It only takes me and you to speak up and be the voice for those who are suffering to show and tell them that is alright to speak up.

Now, of course I do not go around telling every single person I meet that I have Major Depressive Disorder (clinical depression), Borderline personality disorder, had self-harm and have attempted suicide +4 times. No! Am I ashamed of it? Not at all. But, I turn my past into change and hope to make a difference in another persons life.  I use my story as a way to connect to others like myself to show them that I too have been through the rain, fire, hail, and wind and now I am walking on rainbows and rays of sunshine turning the negative into positives by trying to educate others on the importance on suicide prevention and mental health. I am very open about my mental health journey because in the process I have grown tremendously through the recovery and some relapses.

It is all about the people who support your life, your existence, and your mental illness and well being. Prior to my attempt, I felt as thought I had nobody who understood me and why I was so depressed or why I wanted to harm or take my own life. But, after my attempt all of those people who I “thought” did not care, cared all along, I was blind to see their love and affection for me. Today, all of those people I ignored, pushed away, and isolated myself from, are now my biggest supporters as I walk through my recovery. Know that there are people out there who really do care. It is going to take an arm and a leg to let them into your life but trust me it is all worth it and in the end you will be so thankful that you opened up to at least 1 trustworthy person.

Please, join me today to raise suicide prevention to help save another life.

If you are having suicidal thoughts or contemplating suicide know that you are not alone; know that there is help. But, most certainly know that there is hope. Hope for you, hope for your future, hope for your life.

Visit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention to read and learn about the warning signs and triggers/risk factors of suicide. There are a ton of resources on the AFSP website on how to talk to a suicidal person and ways that you can be of help. Please, take advantage to learn and know the signs to help save a life.

I created this video to promote World Suicide Prevention Day and to remember my good friend Emily who took her life on March 26th.  Please share with loved ones you know who are suffering with any mental illness and have had thoughts of suicide.

 Tonight I light a candle in memory of my friend and in remembrance of all those who took their lives in 2014.

National Suicide Prevention Week: Part I

September 8, 2014  1:50 PM

I light a candle in honor of those who sought suicide as an option to answer their problems.

I light a candle to burn the ashes of stigma associated with suicide and mental illness.

I light a candle to shed light on the taboo topic we all know as suicide.

I light a candle to forgive myself for attempting suicide four times in the past eight years.

I light a candle to shine bright in the midst of the dark cloud hovering above the silent ones.

I light a candle for the family members and friends who have lost a loved one to suicide.

I light a candle in hopes to raise mental health awareness and suicide prevention across the world.


To kick off National Suicide Prevention Week, this past weekend I did a photo-shoot to showcase my mental illness to raise awareness in my local community.  In honor of my friend who took her own life on March 26, I centered the theme of my photo-shoot around one of her favorites quote, “What I Dream of is an art of Balance…” –Henri Matisse. 

Several of my friends have questioned why am I so determined to raise mental health awareness and suicide prevention.  In all honesty, I personally can relate to mental health and suicide.  I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder and Borderline personality disorder and it is hard for others to understand why I act, feel, think, and do what I do on a daily basis. The only way I can connect to my friends and friend is to share my story and talk about mental health/suicide prevention.

My goal is raise mental health awareness and suicide prevention to one day help encourage others to speak out about their emotions and thoughts before resulting to suicide or self-harm.  My passion is to be the voice for the silent sufferers to show them that it is okay to talk and encourage them that they are never alone.

Please enjoy the following pictures from my mental health awareness photo-shoot. Wednesday September 10th, 2014 is National Suicide Prevention Day across the globe. I created a video to promote Suicide Prevention which will be posted Wednesday!

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If you or a loved one are having thoughts of suicide or self-harm please know that there is help and there is hope. Please reach out and seek appropriate help. Call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline number 1-800-273-8255. Know that you are not alone and that your are loved.

~Phoenix

Today, I Overdosed.

August 2nd, 2014  8:09 PM

Today, I overdosed;
Made the courageous righteous decision to die
Of laughter, pain, fear, and sorrow.

Today, I overdosed;
As I watched the love of my life
Walk out and abandoned me on the front steps for another woman;
For someone more “appealing”, “long-standing”, “sensible”, and “happier” than I am.
There I was,
Out on a short limb stranded alone to die.
So I cried;
A tear for each friend I miraculously used my two bloody hands to push away;
A tear for the vigorous hearts I stepped upon and broke perfectly into two whole pieces.

Today, I overdosed;
As I tried to use my two feeble hands to pull the 6 inch knife out from my brawny back.
The knife you used to stab me in the back.

Today, I overdosed;
Because I was locked in a white room strapped to a musty hospital bed for 8 whole days with no one there to hold my hand.
I laid there for 8 whole days waiting patiently to hear that I’ve received a phone call from a loved one saying, “I love you”.
But, no.
I lifelessly hopelessly laid there.

Today, I overdosed;
Because my own flesh and blood want nothing more to do with me;
They cannot stand the naked sight of being related to
A maniac.
A psychotic, crazy Homo Sapien like me.

Today, I overdosed;
Because I slit my wrist 12 times for the pain each person has caused me in the last 12 hours.
I stained my warm blood on the cold ice presented to me.
There I sat and watched my contagious acute blood melt the living life out of something so glossy, solid, and frozen.

Today, I overdosed;
Because I was told
I am like a broken toy that cannot be fixed.
I am not worth replacing batteries for;
I am not worth another cent from a loved one’s wealthy pocket.

Today, I overdosed;
I received a call from my local bank saying I have $5.18 to my Golden name.
I am homeless.
I have no green cash to spend on clothes, food, or water.
Nobody wants to let this lost soul in
So, I decided to overdose.

Today, I overdosed;
I failed to call for help during
My manic, hypo-manic, depressive episode.
I tried to call, but there was no number to dial.
So, I decided to overdose.

Today, I overdosed;
Because I pulled the last straw of hope
From a gigantic bundle presented to me
After my most recent discharge from the hospital.
It split in half and fell nonchalantly to the rocky ground.
My hope is gone.
So, I decided to overdose.

I have found my inner happiness
And it is not to be here
Walking through the valley of this shallow Earth.

I have found my joy
And it is not to be here
Singing my painful song to an ignorant sea of sane adults.

I have found my peace
And it is not to be here;
But, it lies 10 feet above my tombstone
Beyond the depths of the bright Northern star.

Today, I overdosed;
To say goodbye to what could have been a happier tomorrow.


The events presented and illustrated above are true experiences of mine. Not all of them are situations I have experienced but I have witnessed and felt. I wrote this for others, like myself, who can relate to the pain, thoughts, feelings and uncontrollable behaviors of various mental illnesses during different episodes. Please, seek help if this post has triggered any sensitive sensors in your life or call the suicide prevention hotline number, 1-800-273-8255.

THIS is My Victory!

July 18th, 2014  10:13 AM

The clock strikes 12
The battle and I have become 1
It stabs me right in the heart;
To watch the  ruby-red blood pour profusely
Through my chest cavity
To wash away the 2 things
That are darted towards my feeble face:
Hatred and Stigma.
I walk towards the battle
Stronger and wiser than ever before
To look into its paltry eyes.
Our eyes meet at 3
To see 4 things
Standing right in front of me:
Emptiness, Hopelessness, Loneliness, and Worthlessness.
The battle whispers 5 hysterical words to me:
“Your time is now up”.
I stand taller and wiser
And smile through my pearly white teeth and rebel
To bellow these 6 wondrous words:
“This is my life, my victory!”
I stand above the battle
7 feet taller than its men
To walk 8 steps closer to the source.
I am surrounded by 9 support soldiers
To protect me from the battle.
Together as a group of 10
We conquer and defeat the 11 men
I am in battle with.
The clock strikes 12;
I have won my battle;
Now I can claim my victory;
THIS, is my victory!